Recovery Daily Podcast

After my stroke I felt embarrassed to turn my camera on in support groups because I wasn’t able to look at the screen. I felt silly wearing my dark red protective glasses in public indoor places because I didn’t want people to look at me. But after listening to other survivors I became proud to be a survivor. I’m more embarrassed that I cared that much about what other people thought of me. Eventu...

Recovery is a way of life. Its seasonal, like tending a garden. Sometimes the seasons last a month, sometimes a week, and sometimes just a few days. Old habits and destructive patterns are like weeds that need clearing, especially when unexpected storms blow through our lives. Daily rhythm and habits keep my garden in order. Early on, I wondered how long I’d have to go to meetings or when I’d fina...

This prayer thing is very new for me, and I typically shy away from talking about it. But what the heck; I’ve had something on my mind. Buying and selling a house is a stressful event in one’s life. I’ve questioned my commitment to never asking for anything in my prayers and only expressing gratitude, because well, I want this new house at the lake so bad. But when I begin to pray, I always resort...

My sobriety is unconditional. I was looking for loopholes in early sobriety, and the only honest one I found was the anesthesia before a colonoscopy. No thank you! Circumstances neither make me drink nor keep me sober. I drank because I’m an alcoholic, not because of a marriage, job, or terrible disappointment. Alcohol was a desperate attempt to numb pain, yet it only made the pain swell. Sobriety...

In stroke recovery I’m often sick and tired of being sick and tired. This morning’s sobriety meeting reminded me of its similarity to what it was like before I quit drinking, having that same looming depression. It leads to a breaking point of desperation where something has to change. It’s when I realize I can’t keep pushing myself alone, and I need to surrender to, well, whatever “it” is. The an...

What kept me coming back in my sobriety program was hearing people express my thoughts that I believed were so unique. I vividly remember thinking, “That’s me. Oh, I do that too. I think that too.” That was the magnetic pull. At first it felt weird to say the words, “I’m Rachel, I’m an alcoholic,” but I needed to say it out loud to believe it. I kept showing up and hearing own story coming out of...

I had no idea when I was drinking that there was a deeper level of living beyond just surviving. For years I thought I was happy, but I was just riding a rollercoaster of emotions that weren’t necessary. I just didn’t know how to respond to life and people. Drinking gave me a false sense of protection, shielding me from being hurt but also cutting me off from giving to my relationships with others...

Restraint of pen and tongue has evolved into one of my most valuable tools for managing my relationships. I don’t always have to speak, contribute, or correct someone. It’s fascinating that without adding my opinion, life still happens! And sometimes it turns out better than if it went my way. Pausing gives me a chance to shut my mouth while I think, to let humility in before self-righteousness ta...

In early sobriety, I spent a lot of time wishing I could be like everyone else and have a glass of wine at dinner without ending up in a downward spiral. I wanted to be able to relax the way other people did. But I’ve learned over these nine years that the relaxation I envied wasn’t healthy for me. My relaxation today is deeper because I can decide to let go at any time without tucking all my prob...

There is no finish line living with chronic illness. I’m learning to exist in a body that feels different from one day to the next. People typically say, “Hope you feel better soon,” as if there’s a shortcut back to the person I once was. I suppose it’s hard to know what to say to a stroke survivor.  Full recovery is deeply personal and constantly evolving. Some days, the progress is in small vict...

Early recovery felt monotonous, both in sobriety and post-stroke. The stillness is such a contrast to the chaos of drinking and the busy life before a stroke. In those early days, the work felt like hard work. Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, reading the literature, doing my prayers, and meditating happened every day. In stroke recovery, doing vestibular therapy exercises, support groups, an...

Alcoholism in the workplace is more common than many realize. Suffering alcoholics are terrified to speak up for fear of losing their jobs, facing stigma, or being labeled a liability. I’ve lived both extremes of employer response. One company, after I returned from self-admitted detox, gave me an ultimatum to move across the country or take a severance package. They had the resources to support m...

I started my podcast to talk about daily life in recovery, and that means showing up even when I’m in a slump. While I don’t feel hopeless, I’m frustrated with no inspiring suggestions for rising out of it. I’m physically and mentally drained, and I just need to say it out loud to acknowledge that I’m in a brief season of poopiness. Even though I know what helps, some days I don’t want to do any o...

Today’s topic makes me laugh, “It’s Not All About Me”, yet here I am, talking about me again. I share my experience navigating stroke recovery, a vestibular disorder, and sobriety because it’s all I truly know, and I hope it helps someone who is still suffering.  This morning’s meditation was about not taking things personally, which sounds simple, but it’s complex in action. I take everything per...

Dependence can lead to independence. I’ve been feeling terrible still because I haven’t honored my limitations that worsen my head pain. It’s been several weeks now with no improvements. I decided that I must switch over to 100% dependence on Voiceover for iPhone for at least 4 days. Otherwise, I will get worse. My symptoms have surpassed what is manageable. I’ve been playing with fire. I must tak...

Sometimes life’s path feels more like a gravel trail. I stop often to dump the pebbles out of my shoes, frustrated and tired, wondering where it's leading. But when there’s a break in the trees, the Land of Oz is shimmering ahead of me. My recovery has taught me not to let the path itself stop my perseverance. When I don’t get what I want, it can feel like a huge loss. And yet, there is gratit...

Even five years into sobriety, I didn’t really get the spiritual part of the program. I didn't know the difference between religion and spirituality, and I couldn’t tell you what spiritual fitness was. I thought I was doing recovery right because I wasn’t drinking, but there was so much more in store for me. Spiritual fitness is being willing to pause and ask myself, “Are all your parts okay,...

I thought I was only hurting me. But when I look back and take my inventory, I see the human wreckage I left behind. By making life easier for me, I was making life harder for those I love the most. I stole their peace of mind by being mentally absent when they needed me. There’s a photo of me with my kids taken at my sister’s house, surrounded by love, and just I remember the terrible hangover, d...

Today was one of those days where I just needed to stay in the moment. My migraine hasn’t let up (I’m due for my Emgality shot tomorrow), but instead of spiraling into depression, I keep my mind where my feet are. Mental time travel to yesterday and tomorrow breaks my serenity, so I try to stay right here. I made handmade greeting cards to connect with loved ones and say thank you for birthday gif...

This morning, I woke up deep in self-pity. The pain in my head was what I call a vestibular hangover, and I immediately started beating myself up for doing what I know triggers it—scrolling on a computer. I still try to chase digital fun like I used to, just like you, or you wouldn’t be reading this. I get sucked in to the internet, without thinking about what I’m taking away from myself tomorrow...

After I hit one year of sobriety, I remember thinking, “now what?” I was physically sober, so this must be as good as it gets. That was far from the truth. Physical sobriety was just the beginning. Emotional and spiritual sobriety were things I still had to grow into through consistency, daily practices, calling my sponsor, sobriety meetings, and working through storms using the steps. The idea th...

I used to think I didn’t have control over my drinking. Like, if I thought about wine, then I had to drink. I’d walk by a bush and feel like alcohol was just going to jump out at me and throw itself down my throat. That’s how powerless I felt. But the truth is, alcohol doesn’t have arms. Craving is not a command. It took practice, and walking by a lot of bushes and not drinking, to learn that I co...

It struck me this morning that alcoholism is like an octopus. Its tentacles reached into every corner of my life: my health, my emotions, my relationships, my self-worth, and my career. The disease was strangling me. And like a octopus, it’s smart. It could camouflage itself in denial, shame, secrecy, and ego so convincingly that I didn’t know I was very sick. Every time I thought I had it cornere...

One of my early podcast episodes, an introduction to meditation in stroke recovery, got a lot of views. Back then, I was all about neuroplasticity, everyone’s favorite buzzword in stroke recovery. I even did a whole seven-day meditation series focused on visualizing healing in the brain. It didn’t exactly go viral, but it helped me and a few others, and that’s enough. I still meditate on a less fo...

In early sobriety, I was sitting in a periodontist chair being offered laughing gas, and I got way too excited. That was my red flag. The addict in me found a loophole. But the woman I’ve become in recovery knew to pause. I asked the dental hygienist for a moment so I could call my sponsor. Admittedly I was uncomfortable, but I called my sponsor right there from the dentist chair. I ended up choos...