Recovery Daily Podcast

Have you ever heard someone say “this too shall pass” in hard times? When life feels unpredictable and uncomfortable it can reassure us that the pain is temporary. But I noticed today that when life feels beautiful and serene, a different fear shows up for me. How often I do fear that the good won’t last. It’s my instinct to protect myself from disappointment. What I’m realizing, though, is that i...

Moving into my new home has reminded me how much my sobriety has transformed the way I live. The same obsessive thinking that once fueled my drinking now shows up in unpacking boxes and decorating, but instead of feeling out of control, I can smile at it. This week I’m working on the pause, recognizing when I’m caught in the momentum of my thoughts and gently rein myself in. This week, walking to...

Have you heard of Rule 62? Don’t take yourself too seriously. I’d heard it before but never knew it’s origin. The gist is to be able to laugh at yourself. I overthink everything. EVERYTHING. I just moved to a new town and am prepared to meet new people and build a new life at our new lake house. I had been thinking, “what do I have to offer new friends as a sober disabled person?” But the truth is...

In my old garden, there was a bush that was so wildly overgrown that nothing else could fit. When I cut it back, it looked bare and wounded, but over time, it filled out beautifully while I was also able to add dozens of new plants. That’s what recovery feels like. I’ve been removing the unhealthy stuff that doesn’t serve me to make room for new growth. But pruning I’ve found is easier if I do it...

Being honest about how I feel is tricky when sometimes I don’t even know. My depression, anxiety, and old patterns of thinking can be deceiving, convincing me that nothing is wrong when I’m actually really struggling. It reminds me of alcoholism itself. The very disease that was killing me was also the disease keeping me from seeing I was sick. Sometimes I’m ignoring something on purpose, but ofte...

This morning I was reminded of the vicious cycle of my alcoholism. I’d wake after just a few hours of being passed out, trembling, sweating, and panicked. I would reach for the leftover tepid glass of wine on my nightstand to calm down and get me back to zero, as I’ve heard fellow alcoholics say. I was caught in a disease that is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I finally reached out for help and...

This morning in a meeting I heard a story that made mention of God delivering messages to us each day, and it’s up to us to look for them. Something about that didn’t resonate with me, so I decided to reflect on it and record an episode. On the surface, it sounds simple, but I insist that it is much more complex. Emotional sobriety means being able to see the world around me as a constant broadcas...

“I only have today” is traditionally spoken in my morning sobriety meeting in memory of a man who was passionate about reminding us to stay in the moment. The phrase narrows the battlefield to what’s in front of me rather than future tripping. When my head starts spinning with what-ifs or my body protests when I’m trying to push to hard, the phrase pulls me back from borrowing tomorrow’s courage a...

When I was little, visits away from home felt unbearably empty. That same hollow loneliness still shows up now in hotel rooms or when I’m away from home. Yesterday it crept in again while settling in to an airbnb. BONUS: The previous inhabitant left a bucket of empty beer and tequila bottles out back, and for a hot second my brain whispered, “Wouldn’t that be nice?” But I caught it and answered ba...

This move has been a humbling reminder that my body doesn’t keep pace with my intentions anymore. I’m still plugging away but absolutely spent. I’ve simply run out of steam and know it will take weeks to recover from this system overload. Acceptance has been slow work in stroke recovery. Mentally, I want to be the same person I was, physically I can’t, and learning to live inside that reality has...

Thankfully I can’t see the whole road ahead of me or else I’d miss the lessons. With all the packing I’ve been reminded me how little stamina I have since my stroke. This is a lesson keep having to learn the hard way as I continuously push myself too far. I like to say I learn everything the hard way. I used to just jump in the drivers seat blind folded (and drunk) and run off the road of life fee...

For years I white-knuckled life, thinking I was steering everything myself. A simple practice called a God box changed my ability to let go. A woman in my fellowship gave me a little wooden box with tiny paper and a tiny pen. She said when I couldn’t let something go, write it down, put it in the box, and close the lid. The sound of that lid shutting became a signal of release. This practice was a...

Packing up the house the past couple weeks for our big move has given me the chance to notice how much my life has changed in the past ten years. Between alcoholism and a stroke, the last decade could’ve killed me…TWICE. Sobriety, as my portable refuge, and prayer, as a quiet presence, have steadied my mental wellness and rewritten how I live. I’m grateful for the people who’ve helped me pack, and...

When I first started going to AA meetings, I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what “open” vs “closed” meetings meant, I didn’t know what a home group or sponsor was, and I was too afraid to ask. So, I just showed up to as many different meeting locations and times until I found my people. I found career men and women who were parents who talked about their experiences, and it sounded li...

After my stroke, I realized how much I multitasked without even noticing. I’m not talking about cooking dinner chatting on the phone. I mean the stuff we do that is automatic, like reading out loud or pouring water from one hand into another. These simple actions actually require multiple steps working together that I can no longer do automatically. When reading aloud, my eyes track the words, my...

I tend to chase the question “ why?” rather than “how do I adapt, accept, and move forward despite?”   Why did I have a stroke? Why am I an alcoholic? Why me? But my recovery program teaches me that the why isn’t mine to solve. The “why” belongs to God. My work is in the “ how ”. How do I move forward? How do I let go? How do I accept the difficult stuff? When I shift from demanding answers to tak...

How do we know the difference between listening to the deeper, instinct (or gut) voice inside us and the inner chatter of anxiety, people-pleasing, and wishful thinking. I minimize my intuition sometimes or just plain old ignore it. I hear that whisper of caution and then I rationalize it away because the louder voice of instant gratification wins out. Over the years, though, I’ve learned that the...

We all navigate stuff that no one else can see, yet it shapes our behavior, emotions, and connection with each other. Dizziness, fatigue, brain fog, and chronic pain make simple tasks in my life very difficult. And depression, anxiety, and fear make simple interactions challenging. As I learn to pace myself, honor my body’s limits, and rest in stroke recovery, the inner battles rage on. Creativity...

The St. Francis Prayer, otherwise known as the 11th step prayer in AA, focuses on what I can give rather than what I can get. For so long my vision of life was distorted, like living inside a glass jar. I thought I was seeing clearly, but it wasn’t until I stopped drinking and working this program that I could see what the world is like on the other side of the glass.  When I am intolerant of othe...

On Friday my stress level peaked, but I’m happy to report I got back up. I had woken up carrying the weight of buying/selling houses, chronic pain, and the devastating news of a loved one’s illness. By the time I sat down to lead in an AA meeting that evening, my emotions detonated. I cried as I spoke about my sobriety, my stroke, my vestibular struggles, and my fear. In that vulnerable moment, wo...

I used to get so irritated, angry even, being around people drinking. As I learn more about my disease, I can be honest in saying it came from pure jealousy. Intolerance toward temperate drinkers is my problem, not theirs. As with all things in recovery, this too is a decision to face the feelings or let them threaten my peace. It is not my business to condemn alcohol or those who can enjoy it, bu...

I never thought of hiding alcohol in the back of a toilet tank, but the disease led me to hide it just about everywhere else. Just as the disease is progressive, so was my willingness to accept it and to change. I tried to make minimal changes to my lifestyle, and slowly, progressively, my life unraveled into chaos. There was no bit of change that was going to work. I had to change everything. I w...

The secret is out! In nearly all of my dreams, I’m roller skating. Whether it’s through a mall, cruise ship, hotel, or Loudoun County High School, I’m always on skates. I’d like to say it’s symbolic of freedom and forward movement in my life, but the truth is that my subconscious is working around my hip pain while I sleep. I know it’s weird but has become so normal I never shared it with anyone....

Recovery is more than checking boxes and going through the motions. Without honesty and intention, unease can still rest below the surface, even when we don’t want to admit it. I can show up to meetings, pray, meditate, exercise, and eat well, and still feel unsettled underneath. I tell myself that if I “doing all the things,” then I should be okay, but that’s not always the case. I’m lying to mys...

It was a difficult adjustment to show up to an event and order a Coca Cola in early sobriety. I wasn’t sure what to do with my hands, like Ricky Bobby in an interview. Without a drink in them I felt exposed and uncomfortable. Even sitting in front of the TV felt frustrating without a glass of wine. Social events, like happy hours or company parties, were intimidating because I thought everyone’s f...