Recovery Daily Podcast

Today I was thinking about constructive imagination and its role in my recovery. Early on, my sober friends told me that if I didn’t have an understanding a Higher Power, I could ‘act as if.’ So, I dug deep into the pockets of my imagination and created my very own understanding. Over the past 8.5 years, that understanding has evolved into what others might call Faith. This Faith, born from willin...

This morning, I dragged myself out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom just a few steps away. After taking care of business (TMI), I crawled back in bed. The clock read 6:43am, and a frown burrowed into my bottom lip knowing I only had two minutes before my alarm went off. I had to face another dreaded day of headaches, dizziness, and soreness from an hour of yoga yesterday.  I didn’t wake up exci...

I have nothing but fond memories of that ice-cold liquid in the glass, but for me, one drink is always followed by a drunk. I can’t forget my last drunk—it lasted eight months. Life still gets lifey, and I’d be lying if I said I never romanticize the idea of having a drink to dull the pain, even temporarily. But I have a lot of "not yets" that I want to keep that way. The only way to keep those "n...

I lived to podcast another day! There may or may not have been an outburst of crying during the VNG test, but I made it through and am overjoyed that it’s now in the rear-view mirror. I recorded this podcast episode to share what the VNG and VEMP tests involve, providing details for anyone seeking information about what to expect during these procedures. My tests revealed that my right peripheral...

Tonight is my last post for several days. I’m preparing for a Videonystagmography ( VNG ) test that will take place on Monday. This is a test to determine vestibular disorders. Traumatic brain injuries, including stroke, can often result in vestibular disorders with symptoms like mine: chronic headache, vertigo, brain fog, nausea, etc. There is no cure, but there are treatments that include physic...

This morning, I was introduced to the idea that love and fear can’t coexist. As is always my reaction, I responded with, “that’s not true.” I have a tendency to disprove ideas rather than digest them. Recognizing this character defect, I applied this idea to my recovery. I realized quickly that as self-love pushed in to my life in sobriety, fear was pushed out. But there’s more to it. This process...

My catastrophic thinking worsens when I don’t feel good. Last night when I got in bed I started obsessing about the drone sightings over New Jersey, then it rippled out into morbid stories I was telling myself which included my family members. After several minutes of self-induced panic, I recognized the downward spiral of my ‘thinker’ and made an immediate and conscious decision to stop and turn...

Before my episode today, I listened to “Never Say Never” by The Fray. I listen to song lyrics and let the music guide their meaning for me. I can listen to the same song on five different occasions and feel something different each time. Today the song gave me compassion for how there are some things we don’t talk about, and we are supposed to just take it and smile, even though I have the same da...

My symptoms have progressively worsened over the past two weeks, spiraling into a familiar tailspin. It started with a hopeful, excited car ride to my sister’s on Thanksgiving Day to celebrate with her family and my mom. What is routine for everyone else awakens my sleeping giant—a vestibular disorder—and ignites a self-defeating battle. It’s not just the constant headache—my unwanted companion—or...

I’ve always been ambitious. But during my drinking days, my ambitions were unrealistic, because I wasn’t willing to do the work. I wanted to be at the top without putting in the effort to climb there. My dreams were big, but my actions were lacking because of my priorities. Today, I must approach ambition differently. I weigh my goals against my willingness to do the work, ensuring I’m ready to pu...

When the time came for me to make amends to those I harmed during my drinking days, I had no memory of the stuff I needed to make amends for. This made it a bit challenging for me, but not impossible. I always claimed I wasn’t a blackout drinker, but I suppose I just remembered everything I wanted to. Making amends is like opening the door to a relationship and saying, “let's look at it, and I’ll...

Yesterday, while walking Autumn the Weimaraner, I decided to take a longer route than usual, pushing myself to build endurance and see how much my head could handle. As I turned to head back home, a sharp pain suddenly shot through my lower back, stopping me in my tracks—the kind of pain where putting any weight on your leg sends it straight up your spine. I stood there, stretched for a minute, an...

Homework complete: Gratitude. That’s what I came up with after 24 hours of thinking about how I can respond to people who spontaneously upset me like the crazy lady at the Christmas Market I mentioned yesterday—Be grateful my ‘thinker’ and ‘reactor’ are not severely broken like hers.   Alcoholics have a tendency to obsess, overdo, rush, procrastinate, and schedule in advance for a day that never q...

The past couple of days, I’ve been wondering if my new medication for my chronic headaches is causing weight gain—it’s certainly not stopping the headaches. But I’m guessing it’s probably the eight Hostess powdered donettes I just inhaled, complete with finger-licking cleanup. Aside from a few extra holiday pounds, I’ve been reflecting on how I react to people who instantaneously get under my skin...

I’m hyperaware of my emotional and spiritual well-being knowing that a relapse in either of these areas often precedes a physical relapse, picking up a drink. I’ve got tools now to address these feelings before they escalate. Sobriety allows me to recognize the early signs of disturbance—whether it be despair, frustration, or self-doubt—and process them. I can take action by reaching out for suppo...

We don’t know what we are capable of until we are face to face with the choice to rise or fall.  November’s book of the month was Finding Elevation by Lisa Thompson. This book was recommended by my dad, as he had the recent opportunity of listening to the author tell her story in person. The book is a memoir of her mountaineering achievements; but, for me it was more than that. It’s an exploration...

When I left my sister's on Thanksgiving afternoon, I hugged her goodbye and suddenly broke into sobbing tears. There were so many emotions tangled up in that moment. I think the love and gratitude for being around my family members all at once—something I hadn’t experienced in a year and a half—was overwhelming. And then I was exhausted, navigating my chronic condition throughout the visit, which...

In the movie Talladega nights, there's a scene where Will Ferrell is being interviewed and his hands keep rising up into view. He says, “I’m not sure what to do with my hands.” Having spent most of my life with a wine glass in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I didn't know what to do with my hands when I stopped drinking. I watched what other people who weren't drinking did with their hands....

How often do you hear yourself saying these phrases: I'm gonna… I will try… I want to… I have to… I need to… These phrases are excuses to not DO today. Try saying “I will…” And see how this small change feels. It helps to not future-trip, and instead be a daily planner. It's 24 hour living. Do today what you will be proud of tomorrow. I spent way too long regretting the day before. I lived in the...

In high school, I didn’t fit into any clique. I felt ‘less than’ because I had no Guess jeans, no homecoming court, no dreamy prom date, no cool car. I felt most like myself when I was alone in my room crying and listening to sappy music. Then, I met alcohol— my “true love,” and I built my life around it, year after year. At first, I surrounded myself with others who drank like me, but over time,...

For years, I swore that people don’t change. This mindset was a huge handicap for me. Not only was I denying others the grace to be imperfect, but I was also holding grudges and not fulfilling my role in relationships to be forgiving and kind. Likewise, I wasn’t giving myself a chance to grow. It kept me stuck on a path of self-destruction and isolation which landed drunk and alone, thoroughly bro...

The other day I was outside on our new deck, and a warm gust of wind lifted dozens of leaves off a nearby tree followed by a stillness that cradled the leaves weightlessly for the better part of a minute. They slowly drifted down to the ground. It was magical, and I said out loud, “maaannnn.” Then I whispered quietly to my understanding of my higher power, “thank you.” Life seems to keep getting b...

You know that Seinfeld episode where George is waiting for his childhood friend, a recovering alcoholic, to make his amends, but the apology never comes? The episode is called “The Apology,” and it’s based on George’s understanding of one’s 12-step obligation to apologize for harms done to others.  The episode is funnier to me after having walked through Step 9 making amends for wrongs I’ve done t...

Before sobriety my life was an endless feed of wants and waiting for the next better thing to fill the void. I always focused on what I didn't have yet and spinning stories in self-talk without happy endings. I never viewed ordinary moments with acceptance and gratitude. When I started my podcast, I wanted my job back. I didn’t want to be in medical retirement. I didn’t want to feel like I’d been...

If your best friend had walking pneumonia and their worst day was only yesterday, you’d give them as long as they needed to recover, wouldn’t you? Or if a climber broke their arm, they'd get time to heal before scaling mountains again. So why don’t we give ourselves the same grace when we’re broken on the inside where nobody can see? I’d cling to the side of a cliff myself if it meant my children...