Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

'Any day that I get to talk about my child is a good day.' This is one of the many things that today's guest Jerry has learned from others when he has spoken to bereaved parents on his new podcast, ' The Nameless Minority .' 'Nameless' represents the idea that there is no word in the English language for a parent who lost his/her child. 'Minority' is used because as opposed to a hundred years or m...

Never in a million years did today's guest, Nicole, think that she could lose a child to drowning. She was a teacher and her husband, a physician. They were always so careful - whenever her children were around water, they wore life jackets. They were always watched closely. Something like that simply couldn't happen to them, but one summer day in June 2018, it did.  Nicole left her son, Levi, on...

When today's guest, Riley, learned that she was pregnant with twins after a two year struggle with fertility, she felt incredibly blessed. She went through 11 weeks of bedrest and went on to deliver two perfect, near-term infants - a boy and a girl, Eli and Alice. Her happiness was complete, and she felt as if her future was bright. This happiness was short-lived, however, when seemingly healthy E...

I felt an instant connection to today's guest, Maureen. The most obvious reason for this is that our sons share a name, Andy, and that they were both killed suddenly in tragic car accidents. Another similarity is due to the fact that this was not the first death loss for either of us. For me, my previous experience with profound grief was when my mother died in 1994 when I was in college. For Maur...

Mental illness and alcoholism often go hand in hand. When people struggle with depression and anxiety, turning to drugs or alcohol may seem like a short-term solution. They can forget about their problems for just a little while. TJ struggled with mental illness throughout his life. After discontinuing prescription medication, he turned to alcohol to self-medicate. Although TJ had years of struggl...

As a working mom, I think I felt some type of guilt almost every day. I never felt like I was doing enough. I would feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids, missing school parties, or not being able to volunteer as much as some other moms. In addition to the 'I am not a good enough mom' guilt, I also felt, 'I am not a good enough doctor' guilt when I would have to explain to a fami...

'Paying it forward' is a phrase that is often used in our culture. Today's guest, Ann, says that has been the way she has always tried to live her life even before it became popular. She worked to teach her three children to live that way as well. Her youngest son, Daren, lived his life always looking to help others in quiet ways. After he died, she heard story after story of how he was always rea...

When friends were recently asked to talk about Carolyn's son, Jimmy (or Jimbo as many of his friends liked to call him), he was described as being a light to others and someone who always seemed to have a smile on his face. He was active, involved in sports and had numerous friends. From the outside, Jimmy did not look like someone who was at risk to die by suicide, but almost three years ago at 2...

Well-meaning people say these words to me all of the time - "You are so strong! I could never do what you do!" They mean that they admire me for what I have done, but I actually hate those words. For me, calling me 'strong' is, in fact, isolating. It makes me feel like that person thinks that I can do everything on my own without help from them or anyone else, like I was somehow given some inner s...

To say that losing a child is hard at any time would be a vast understatement, but losing a child while in the midst of a global pandemic adds a whole new level of complication. There are no friends and family surrounding you at a big funeral bringing you piles of food so you don't have to cook for weeks, or, in general, just being there for you with a big hug. This is what today's guest, Rhonda,...

Michelle's daughter, Rachel, was just 17 years old when she died unexpectedly in a tragic accident. Packed in those 17 years, however, was a lifetime of profound wisdom. From a young age, various people who were exposed to Rachel called her an 'old soul' - she looked at the world differently than other children, in a deeper, more thoughtful way. In third grade, inspired by a teacher, she began to...

On the home page of Salt Water's website, findyourharbor.com , there is a quote from Isak Dinesen which reads, 'The cure for everything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.' It goes on to explain these each in more detail. Sweat represents 'the healing of your body after the death of a beloved.' Tears represent 'living with unbearable loss.' Lastly, the sea represents 'moving forward into the l...

As we come to the end of 2020, it is a universal joke that everyone wants this year to be over because of the global coronavirus pandemic. "Bring on 2021," they say, "when life can return to normal!" For grieving people, however, things will never go back to normal. I think though about those parents who do not want 2020 to end because it was the last year their child was alive. I remember not wan...

For grieving people, Christmastime is undoubtedly, NOT 'the most wonderful time of the year' that is sung about in the classic song. I would say that for grieving parents, this is especially true. Christmas is such a time of joy for children and no matter if you lost your child on the day that you gave birth to him or her or decades later, the pain is still a little sharper on Christmas. Grieving...

In 2007, today's guest, Kim, had a pretty comfortable life. She was happily married with three beautiful young children. She had gone back to school and was finishing her master's degree to become a therapist. After going through struggles when she was young, she  overall felt content with her current life. When Kim had a meeting with her advisor at school to discuss how things were going with reg...

Today's guest, Robyn Karns, knows hardship - she has experienced abuse, widowhood, a miscarriage, and divorce, but 17 months ago, her life was absolutely rocked to the core. Robyn lost her firstborn and her best friend, Zach. She wondered how she would be able to go on from this tremendous loss. Losing Zach made all of her other trials pale in comparison. How could she keep getting up each day and...

I have long hated the analogy of going through  a war when someone is diagnosed with cancer. 'He's battling cancer.' 'She is a fighter.' 'They beat cancer.' Those phrases all indicate that if you are a strong enough person, the cancer won't kill you. I know that it is said so that people have more of a sense of control when you are dealing with this devastating disease, but to me, it really feels...

Do people get little signs from God or from loved ones after they die? There are strong feelings on both sides of this issue. Many people tell you that this is impossible, and those people use very different points to defend this view. An atheist would tell you that this is impossible because there is no afterlife at all. You live, you die and that is it. A fundamentalist Christian may also tell y...

I have often thought how nice it would be if I could just wear a sign around my neck that said, "I am grieving. My child is dead. Be nice to me." I think others might go out of their way to be a little more kind. They might ask if they could do an errand for me. They may have nice words to say about me or my child. At a minimum, they might complain about their own lives just a little bit less. It...

Today's episode is far different than the average Always Andy's Mom episode. We dive into a topic that I never would have considered on my own. About 2-3 months ago, a listener wrote in to me asking if I could do an episode focusing on intimacy with one's spouse after the death of a child. She said that her husband continued to be interested in sex, but that she was not. She wondered if this was a...

For most of my adult life, I had claimed Romans 8:28 as my own personal Bible verse. 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' I clung to that verse, believed it and tried to live it. After I became a doctor, I remember thinking to myself that if I had not gone through the pain of my parents' cancer treatments and...

Waiting is hard. Ask any 5 year old who is waiting for Christmas, a birthday or even traveling in the car on a road trip. They wait impatiently, expectantly. They may even drive their parents a little crazy. 'How many days until Christmas now?' 'How much longer until we get to grandma's house?' Parents learn to try to distract them in different ways. They may have a countdown for Christmas somewhe...

My regular listeners know that some of my biggest pet peeves as a bereaved parent are the well-meaning platitudes given by others to try to offer comfort. Comments like, 'she is in a better place' or 'everything happens for a reason' tend to make me irritated instead. One comment that I know that many moms can hear is, 'you are young - you can have another baby' as if that is an easy way to erase...

When Luna contacted me a few short weeks ago, sharing that her son, Hunter, had died suddenly while he was sleeping, my heart broke for her as it does whenever I hear these tragic stories. I thought about the grief journey that she had just begun and how challenging it would be for her in the days, weeks, and months ahead. I thought about ways that I might be a support for her from the other side...

When today's guest, Crystal, found out that she was pregnant at a young age, she says that she thinks many people thought that her life was over. In some ways, I guess it was, but not in the way they supposed. From the moment Isaac was born, she knew that he was her greatest blessing. Her focus in life suddenly shifted. She became a mom, and she wanted to work to give him that best life that she c...