Gal Talk

You ever go get breakfast after a night of sex and you think to yourself, ever so briefly, that hey, my life rules? Hey maybe I won't kill myself after all. It's going to be a great day. And then twenty minutes goes by and you start looking at your phone and immediately you're like, alright nevermind. Back to the drawing board, I guess (the drawing board, in this situation, is a big wh...

I was told by the people closest to me, at different times, that I should be very careful what I say in this episode. As if I, little sweet baby me, would say something outlandish that would piss off our dear president and give him cause to send paramilitary groups to firebomb my house or... fucking tell on me? Is that what he's doing? He's calling up Auntie Anne's and getting people f...

It's the same premise as the movie, but instead of Cary Grant getting mistakenly identified as a spy he's stuck on a fucking runway for forty five minutes because the airline didn't plan ahead for even one minute of their departure and arrival, and so there's another fucking plane at his gate and he's definitely going to miss his next flight because Booking.fuckyoucunt.com deci...

I have an idea for a novel where nothing about the story is good but it's also written in the same boring educated language that gets pumped into MFA programs. Or, better yet, I have a political Vice-brained collection of essays called something like "Democracy Fucking Yeah Right", and it's just trying desperately to be Hunter S Thompson but I lack all creative ingenuity and can&...

I know, I know, we failed you. We try to keep a balance, a perfect blend of hard hitting journalism and well distributed fart jokes, but this time around we simply never got to the farts. I know, too, that many of our listeners are fart hoarding piglet fucks who sustain their life source using code red and taco bell, disposable vapes and advertisements for local singles in your area who are down t...

A russian family drama where the matriarch decides to stop having sex with their handsome children, who in turn reject the wealth of the patriarch by converting to Islam. Told over the course of eight hundred beautifully boring pages, from nine different perspectives with an epilogue the size of a conventional novel, this award winning Hugo Nobel NYT BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR SO FAR bright new voice i...

I think I'm going to stop counting the episodes, because in what way is that information necessary for the listening experience? You're sitting at home thinking "oh wow, this one is 149, but two weeks ago it was 147!" as you shovel wet spaghetti into your oversized gullet, washing it down with some REAL SUGAR soda. God, I love when my soda is REAL SUGAR so I can drink it while I...

Disclaimer: misogyny is funny because it's an absurd and unsustainable worldview, which often leads to the stupidest conclusions about the state of your life, the world, and your relationships with other people. You become a husk of a human, wandering around sexless like a Ken Doll, wondering where it all went wrong... maybe it was that time you closed the door and didn't let that waitress...

I love tv shows and dick jokes. You put those two together, pal, and you got yourself a happy customer. Not to mention my radical position which is that Donald damn Trumpk is a freaking stinking damn loser face. He's a spanking bad damn fuck cunt waffle penis small sticky fat. A cretinous claymation of crippled control crackling under crispy craps. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying...

Things are fine. Hey, you know it, I know it. Enough said. You go outside and it's glorious. You feel good about everything. The bugs aren't going extinct, and it's always 95 degrees with humidity. I like it, you like it. Very good. And I don't think we should raise the minimum wage. I think, in fact, we should lower it further, because then everyone can make less money. Have a goo...

I won't hear anything to argue against my position. They're a slimy batch of people and I see no new cultural output from them. They were the evil empire before we took over and all they contributed to the world was a shitty language and a bunch of museums with stolen artifacts. Your food sucks, and you molest people trying to get an education. That's enough. Even if you really were an...

We had to take a break last week because my xlr cable was busted, and neither of us were in the mood to go out and find a new one. I will admit, too, that it's slightly embarrassing not just to be someone podcasting (that's obvious), but to be someone buying a new xlr cable for a podcast no one listens to... I mean sheesh. That's like, kill yourself type of energy. If it wasn't for...

We recorded this in the hours right before the United States decided to join the war, so I don't know how much of what we said is now lost to the dwindling innocence of every moment we get before another terrible event occurs, but hey, that's the way it goes in this topsy turvy world of ours. Sometimes you record a podcast before a major news event, and sometimes your country is the major...

It's a lot easier than you might think to catch yourself a big fat predator. Turns out ninety percent of all people are viscous nasty predators, lurking around, waiting in between meals to trap someone in a dumpster and eat their underwear. I... I'll admit I don't know what predators are. Is it like the movie? It'd be cool if Chris Hansen walks out from behind the door and is confr...

In honor of pride month, I've decided to be gay. Just for the month, of course. I just really like stolen valor, so for the next month I'll be painting my nails and pretending to give a shit about Miley Cyrus' sister. Once July comes around, you better watch out, because I'm coming back to straightness with a fucking vengeance. I'll be dragging my nuts all over my favorite spor...

The legacy lives on, and we continue our bombs. Does anyone have a healthcare, these days? One smidge of healthcare to place atop your withering skeleton as the ice cream melts and candy wrappers stick against the leather seats of your newly washed car. To be American! To be a freshly showered hog, glistening in the beating sun as ribbons adorn your pink chest! We will live for a thousand (60) yea...

Name another country with as much abundant criminality as the United States. And you can't say any of the Middle Eastern countries because fuck you, you literally have never known what you're talking about. Hey, also, what's the fucking deal with all this Islamophobia? Is everyone seven years old? Leave those people alone, you nasty cocksucker. Look inward at your own fat wife and disa...

Rest in piss, you genocidal maniac. We could've had a very shitty Harris presidency, where everything got much worse and she does nothing to quell our concerns but ultimately doesn't make headlines hardly ever. But no, instead we have to have a recession and a war with China because you couldn't help yourself from killing babies. Enjoy the last two months of your garbage life eating pu...

Oh you wanna stream a four hour movie about poverty in mainland China, directed by a brilliant fascist who's now in prison for speaking out against the security state, or dead after sixty decades of chain smoking those really long white cigarettes? Do you want to watch the Criterion edition with bonus content where the director and actors explain in subtitles what it was like working in such an in...

We should all aspire to be so brave, so beautiful, so articulate with our comments about airlines making the seatbelts too short for the average American. Twitter, man... I mean I know we all know that Twitter ruined everything for everyone, but fat people in particular... that really gave voice to some of the greasiest takes in the world. Those takes are so moist from butter they slip right down...

It's 2006. You're eight years old lying in a Spiderman themed bed, surrounded by action figures and half finished lego sets. Your mom is making a crockpot meal downstairs, and the smell rising to your bedroom, making you feel a little sick. You've got a CD player and headphones turned all the way up, playing a Limewire rip of music from the Top Charts. The Fray's simple piano music...

I've decided after a hundred episodes that it's entirely unnecessary to continue doing the cute lower case internet trend from forty years ago. I'm dying. Time is passing me by at a rapid clip, and so I have no choice but to use proper capitalization. What's this episode about? Who cares, fuck you. We probably talked about sex or government stuff. The kind of thing I hear young peo...

what if like computers are bad and when they're doing bad... well bad things happen! what if like it's your phone but they make your phone so that it only has pictures of your penis... so when, so when you try to text your mom it's just your penis. but, but just to be clear you don't send that to your mom, it's like instead of texting at all it's just this picture of your p...

i mean... i guess... you know it's not like... there's a way that... if we could all come together and just agree... i don't know, man. it seems bad. i'm not a smart guy, but i learned how to read pretty recently and the words coming out of the news box are telling quite a dark story about the world we all live in. maybe i'm wrong, but i think if that was true then almost every...

but mostly anti-hillary clinton. yes, we have the controversial political view that we shouldn't be doing a genocide because life is already a hellscape for people with houses and running water, so why would you want to add relentless genocidal violence on top of that? doesn't seem fair. but mostly this is a podcast about hating hillary clinton, and we should never lose sight of that. some...