Gal Talk

They've made all the computers bad. You know, I know it. Everytime you want to complete the most minor of tasks you're faced with challenges, blockades, some might say hurdles. All because we couldn't leave it alone. Every year we needed a new update, a new device, a new feature that fixes the previous features that bugged the fuck out as soon as you upgraded your software and said, ye...

It's the same thing as March Madness but instead of having a bracket for basketball you have a list of people you owe money to. And the list, my friend, is getting longer. Everyday you wake up in a panic sweat of frightening chill and look up at the list that's been hammered to your wall with a giant Christ-killing nail, and you see the names of everyone you've fucked over, all the fav...

Remember the good old days when a global pandemic shut down the whole world and for like, five days the air was clean, no one got shot in the head, and the coral reefs briefly came back before we dumped a bunch of poison in the ocean, or whatever it is we do? That was kind of nice. Even the version of fear we experienced was kind of chill, compared to 2026, because that kind of fear was rooted in...

Emergency! The AmerIsraeli government has just announced we're returning to the Years of Dave so formidably lost to the Years of Brandon, which proceeded from the Years of Barfsack. In this new paradigm we must prepare for a multitude of events circulating around "whatever a Dave would do". Thus far we've already seen the first in a series of military conflicts like "Operati...

I've never done anything wrong and don't look into it. My record is so squeaky clean you could eat a big bowl of Indian food on it. There are so few skeletons in my closet that it's like... it's like something you could say that would be funny to insert into that setup. Maybe something about Halloween? But there aren't skeletons, so that doesn't really make sense because as...

All the sexy ladies... look, that's all we got in America these days. I bought a roll of paper towels recently that cost me $8. It's over, man. But hey, at least we still got a couple of sexy ladies to drive Indian men absolutely insane on the timeline. We've got a world where it's perfectly normal and actually rewarded to show your pussy online for $5. For less than the price of p...

I got my fiber on lock brah. I got my prune juice IV drip going in my ass brah. Nothing solid hommie, nothing too thick to pass through my anal cavity any time of day brah. Everything in the vitamix brah. I always be pooping. I do stretches to make my boodihole bungalicious to get the bitches hollerin like a banshee... brah. Never let people pooping less than you tell you what you can and cannot d...

Everything is actually fine. Nothing to worry about here, folks, because we've got it all under control. Sure, does it feel like a big glowing orb is enveloping everything into galactic goo, and the few remaining positions of power are seemingly entirely filled by fat pedophiles incapable of servicing anything other than our overlords of capital, and has your dick stopped getting hard in the m...

After two decades of things appearing to, as you might say, "unravel" into hellscapes previously hidden and ignored, I think it's finally time to bring back pretending to be a moderate, dead center, brainless, spineless piece of shit loser. I don't read. I don'ts knows hows to, and why should I be forced to read things and think about them in order to properly politicize myse...

People continue to spew idiotic claims in support of their misguided beliefs. Just a giant country of lost children, wandering the mall, getting stuck in a photobooth, covered in shit and McDonalds smears. Your mom's not even looking for you. She noticed you were missing ten minutes ago and a little part of her hopes that some cartoonishly pedophilic man swooped you up and saved her the embarr...

So if you get all upset and bored that we spent thirty minutes talking about humidifiers, you can thank the shitty news for that. Sometimes the only thing to comment on events of the last week is "that's bad." "I don't like this, please stop." And of course it won't stop, but it wouldn't stop even if you said something extremely profound and timely to match the...

We recorded this prior to the United States declaring war on a sovereign nation. And I know you might be thinking, oh well doesn't that mean you recorded this episode before Saturday of last week? and you're just now releasing the episode on Tuesday, a full day late? Hey buddy, get off my ass, alright? If you're one of the seven psychopaths that listens to this show I have bad news for...

The year was bullshit and I don't care about how your specific year went. My own year wasn't even that bad, all things considered, and yet I can confidently assert that 2025 was dogshit. If you had a kid this year, if you blessed the world with a new vessel for our great collective consciousness, then I got some bad news for that little stinker: every year from now on will be 2025. Doesn&#...

Imagine being one of the best living comedians of your generation that even young women in 2017 knew who you were and laughed at your comedy. And then you get a little too big for your britches and start blocking doors with your small penis at the exact time when people were using twitter as a tell-all confessional for traumatizing experiences. Bye-bye bitch. No more money for you, you fat red-hea...

Check your stockings, folks. There's a fresh pot of AI gumbo chili that I've ladled into each stocking because you've been a BAD little boy. Instead of coal or amazon gift cards everyone is getting an AI generated picture of my gaping butthole, and all of our grandparents will be confused and think it's real and then vote for Adolf Hitler in 2028.

Oh, I'm so sad. Are you sad? Did you miss us last week? Were you sitting around with your bullshit family, wishing you could just go home and listen to podcasts? Looking across the room at your stupid aunt, watching the way people somehow never stop talking but also never once say a single goddamn thing. You take a big helping of stuffing and mac&cheese that tastes like America: land of th...

How old are you? Now be honest with yourself, don't fudge the number to make yourself feel good. Are you... halfway through life? Be honest. If you're 25... do you really think 50 is in the cards for you? Look down at yourself. Is there pizza currently sitting in a box outside of the fridge? Is your silverware drawer filled with Taco Bell hot sauce packets? 50? Are you sure? The same perso...

We even said at the top of the show, hey, let's not spend too much time on this. There isn't much to rehash that hasn't already been heavily outlined in every podcast since 2015. But if the president insists on being a big fat pedophile, then we have no choice but to do our due diligence and discuss, once more, the implications of a world run by elite pedophilia that for some goddamn r...

Whales are better than humans. Full stop, no further explanation, I don't want to hear arguments against it. Think of a moment in your life when you did something genuinely kind for someone else, okay? Ready? On that day there was a sperm whale that was 100times better than your shitty little moment. What did you do, anway? Make your mom a disgusting pancake breakfast before punching your sist...

Pessimism rules, and also fuck you. If you wanted to listen to something upbeat and fun you can click your way over to Hank and John's lame shitty podcast about like... I bet 90% of the show is them talking about bugs and bacteria, which hey, look, I don't mind that, but grow some adulthood charisma. I mean Jesus Christ with these old men making youtube vidoes where they talk like they&#39...

Sometimes the mind is a beautiful thing, and allows you to think like, what if I was the exact same person in every single way BUT I was a chinese. Isn't that fun? Same old guy, walking around, going to work, meal prepping my fucking tilapia bullshut, but then I look in the mirror and I'm a perfect chinese version of who I was when I was Mr. Whiteguy. Hey, how about instead of saying &quot...

Also ICE? More like fucking... Not Nice, huh? I'm coming for you Mark Normand, you lazy hack. Two can play the boring dumb guy with no internal monologue. All I gotta do is get a fake degree from a college that only exists on Facebook, make up a bunch of shit about aliens and trans people, and then snivel my way onto Rogan's show. After that you can't touch me. Watch my meteoric rise i...

You wanna come over and split some root veg bruh? We can roast em for a kale salad and then fuck each other senseless bruh. Get our shit red and shit bruh, and then call each other every night before bed bruh. No fr fr ease up on that shit bruh, cause we in a relationship and shit and I don't want no one seeing how much I love you bruh.

If you didn't like the film it's because you've allowed the internet to fully warp your mind and turn you into a pile of goo. You walk between the bathroom and the living room, shitting and eating, shitting and eating, until it's time for bed when you scroll endlessly through AI porn slop and tweets about how, actually, technically, Paul Thomas Anderson is actually like, not even l...

What two better representations of what white people have given, culturally, to this shithole country? Trailer trash and DnD. Other people, other folks, you know who I'm talking about, they go on and invent beautiful music, baseball, different kinds of masalas and asadas, and they do cool shit to their cars. Everyone else smells good. Hey, you ever notice that? Of all the races and ethnicities...