Gal Talk

I forgot to bring my microphone. Does this ever happen to you? You guys seeing this, is this in the news? When you go to record a podcast at your buddy's house, and then forget the most vital piece of equipment for the task? It's embarrassing and I'm sorry. This is the one time, you get one a year, where you can say that I'm the big fat loser. Normally it's you. It's almost...

It's time to own up to the fact that we whites are a problem. I know, I know, I don't want to be the one who has to finally bring the hammer down on us, but I'm looking around, I'm scanning Wikipedia, and based on everything I see I think it's time to admit we're the problem. And it's getting worse. We're fatter, stinkier, stupider, and we're aging like shit. No...

We talk about it very briefly in the episode, but I didn't really process that they made a He-Man movie. I'm not going to look at the trailer and I'm not going to learn about the plot or when it comes to theaters, but I am going to tell you right now that that stinks. That really fucking stinks, man. You should be embarrassed. I'm looking at you, Alison Brie. That's really, rea...

They're doing some wicked things to our brains, aren't they? Mostly old people, it seems. Young people are already dead, so there's no point even concerning ourselves with that. There isn't going to be a world left when it's their turn to take over and run things, so I say just let their brains go smooth from Family Guy clips and doordash. We should be treating twenty year olds...

Or however you celebrate. Is that how that works? Is Pride Month kind of like Christmas, where some assholes on the internet are debating the merits of including other holidays into seasonal greetings? Is there a Jewish holiday happening in June. I bet there fucking is. There's always some bullshit happening with candles or weird stews, and we all have to pretend like it's some ancient bea...

Changing things up around here. My normal co-host had to call in sick because I guess his butthole was too sore from the long weekend he had down at the Gay Club. I don't want to embarrass him, of course, but I will tell you the photos he sent for evidence are harrowing. It's the kind of thing you'll see that makes you rethink progressive politics. I don't even know how you fit tha...

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. And you know me, I absolutely give a fuck and in 2026 I think it's important to continue with the illusion we've all been convinced of, which is that none of the wars currently happening are good but every single war before this one was necessary and the people who fought those wars are heroes that defended our democracy. And by "democracy" I mean th...

That guy sucks my ass, right? Like I know two years ago you r-word f-slur big tittty babies were frothing at the mouth because you legitimately believed Donald Trump was going to fix egg prices, because you don't know how to read and can't conceptualize time even on the basic linear mode we humans are stuck on, and I know you gave a lot of leniency to JD Vance at the offset because your mo...

If you're reading this, and I doubt that you are, but if you're so deranged as to click on this podcast hosted by people you don't know and will never know, then please, please understand that we maintain the right to never give a shit about you. We didn't upload last week, and normally it would be customary to issue an apology or an explanation for it, but as soon as my fingers hi...

I like that our country is run by old, stinky, fat, poopy men. And they better not change that, come 2028, when all of us are dead and gas cost $900 and no one has jobs but rent is still going up. They better still be running our classic old stinky fat poopy men, or else I won't know what to vote for to make the billionaires happy. Do you like that every time someone says billionaires shouldn&...

We like to have fun, and when I say "fun" I think you know exactly what I mean. Not the kind of fun these horrendous man-children are having over at Barstool, where the entire purpose of your life is to sit on a couch surrounded by eight fat guys with heart disease yelling at the tv because they drunkenly dropped nine hundred dollars on a sports betting app they're actively promoting...

I tried to upload this episode ten seconds ago and it didn't work. I'm wondering if it's due to the words I wrote in this little description box, but I barely talked about trafficking or the president being bad, so I can't imagine the propaganda censorship machines that are now every single website and app having any issue with what I said. I'm a good guy. I don't use curse...

It's hard to respect anyone anymore. Social media is one big embarrassment factory for 18-40 year olds to post themselves into oblivion. Forget employability. Forget your lack of talent, for a moment, and just focus on how goddamn insanely fucking embarrassing it is to see a page of someone's stupid face. The hours and hours of bad SNL-adjacent sketch ideas poorly filmed in apartments. The...

They've made all the computers bad. You know, I know it. Everytime you want to complete the most minor of tasks you're faced with challenges, blockades, some might say hurdles. All because we couldn't leave it alone. Every year we needed a new update, a new device, a new feature that fixes the previous features that bugged the fuck out as soon as you upgraded your software and said, ye...

It's the same thing as March Madness but instead of having a bracket for basketball you have a list of people you owe money to. And the list, my friend, is getting longer. Everyday you wake up in a panic sweat of frightening chill and look up at the list that's been hammered to your wall with a giant Christ-killing nail, and you see the names of everyone you've fucked over, all the fav...

Remember the good old days when a global pandemic shut down the whole world and for like, five days the air was clean, no one got shot in the head, and the coral reefs briefly came back before we dumped a bunch of poison in the ocean, or whatever it is we do? That was kind of nice. Even the version of fear we experienced was kind of chill, compared to 2026, because that kind of fear was rooted in...

Emergency! The AmerIsraeli government has just announced we're returning to the Years of Dave so formidably lost to the Years of Brandon, which proceeded from the Years of Barfsack. In this new paradigm we must prepare for a multitude of events circulating around "whatever a Dave would do". Thus far we've already seen the first in a series of military conflicts like "Operati...

I've never done anything wrong and don't look into it. My record is so squeaky clean you could eat a big bowl of Indian food on it. There are so few skeletons in my closet that it's like... it's like something you could say that would be funny to insert into that setup. Maybe something about Halloween? But there aren't skeletons, so that doesn't really make sense because as...

All the sexy ladies... look, that's all we got in America these days. I bought a roll of paper towels recently that cost me $8. It's over, man. But hey, at least we still got a couple of sexy ladies to drive Indian men absolutely insane on the timeline. We've got a world where it's perfectly normal and actually rewarded to show your pussy online for $5. For less than the price of p...

I got my fiber on lock brah. I got my prune juice IV drip going in my ass brah. Nothing solid hommie, nothing too thick to pass through my anal cavity any time of day brah. Everything in the vitamix brah. I always be pooping. I do stretches to make my boodihole bungalicious to get the bitches hollerin like a banshee... brah. Never let people pooping less than you tell you what you can and cannot d...

Everything is actually fine. Nothing to worry about here, folks, because we've got it all under control. Sure, does it feel like a big glowing orb is enveloping everything into galactic goo, and the few remaining positions of power are seemingly entirely filled by fat pedophiles incapable of servicing anything other than our overlords of capital, and has your dick stopped getting hard in the m...

After two decades of things appearing to, as you might say, "unravel" into hellscapes previously hidden and ignored, I think it's finally time to bring back pretending to be a moderate, dead center, brainless, spineless piece of shit loser. I don't read. I don'ts knows hows to, and why should I be forced to read things and think about them in order to properly politicize myse...

People continue to spew idiotic claims in support of their misguided beliefs. Just a giant country of lost children, wandering the mall, getting stuck in a photobooth, covered in shit and McDonalds smears. Your mom's not even looking for you. She noticed you were missing ten minutes ago and a little part of her hopes that some cartoonishly pedophilic man swooped you up and saved her the embarr...

So if you get all upset and bored that we spent thirty minutes talking about humidifiers, you can thank the shitty news for that. Sometimes the only thing to comment on events of the last week is "that's bad." "I don't like this, please stop." And of course it won't stop, but it wouldn't stop even if you said something extremely profound and timely to match the...

We recorded this prior to the United States declaring war on a sovereign nation. And I know you might be thinking, oh well doesn't that mean you recorded this episode before Saturday of last week? and you're just now releasing the episode on Tuesday, a full day late? Hey buddy, get off my ass, alright? If you're one of the seven psychopaths that listens to this show I have bad news for...