Year One of Grief

Dear Pam, it's been a good day with plenty of smiles, laughs and good times with family members as we all attended the beautiful wedding of your sister Brenda and Eddie's son Ben to Elaina. Of course at the same time it stirred up some strong memories inside me as I thought back to our wedding day.

After a long week on the road I was thinking about taking it easy heading into the weekend. However, after giving it some thought I decided to work at the gallery this evening and the decision proved to be the right move as I met some amazing people.

I finished up my business trip today in Kansas City where I saw an old friend. Later while headed to the airport I passed over Tom Watson Parkway, named for the professional golfer who is from KC. I then began to think about the recent loss of his wife along with my loss of Pam which led to deeper thoughts about golf in heaven.

I've been on a business trip this week and ended up in Kansas City where one evening I decided to attend a major league baseball game between the hometow Royals and Milwaukee Brewers. The game was great but the highlight of the evening may have been a little yellow bird that visited. Have you ever had of those moments?

Dear Pam, I've had a really long day...but a good day. My manager whom I've never seen or talked to in person met me  here in LIncoln, Nebraska to go on a couple of client meetings with me. I had been a bit apprehensive about the meeting but it actually turned out great. It also affirmed my belief that Zoom and Email contact sucks in terms of getting to truly know people.

Dear Pam, well I'm back on the road this week and have no idea why. I know that sounds strange but it's how I really feel deep down. Of course I'm out for work appointments and they've sent...

This was very full day starting with church, followed by attending a baseball game and ending with a long walk in downtown Nashville. Along the way I'm pretty sure I saw Pam's double.

I decided to work at the art gallery from noon to 8 pm Saturday. I did take a break and had lunch downtown sitting at a nice table outside. It's a little Greek place that I know you would love and of course I thought of you as I dined alone. Countless couples and families walked by holding hands, laughing and talking. Of course, I could not help but be jealous because I miss our weekends together...

I'm nowhere near the person my sweet Pam was, but I am learning, each and every day. In fact today was another of those days.

I would highly advise anyone that's experienced loss and feeling disconnected to find something like this in addition to volunteer work, church...you know, just something to keep you engaged with others.

I was talking with a fellow widower recently and we started talking about if and when the crying ever stops. They were only a couple of months out from losing the love of their life while I'm approaching 18 months.

I started thinking about you and for some reason the harder I tried to remember your voice, your smile and everything else about you it started feeling like maybe it was all just a dream. Did I really have this incredibly beautiful hot wife that I met in high school? Did we really get married, have two children and live all around the country?

I went out for a long walk after walk and had not one, not two, not three but four amazing conversations. 3 were with total strangers and 1 with my neighbors whom I've gotten to know as they were walking in the downtown area earlier this evening where I was.

A woman from San Francisco was looking around and she saw my podcast cards with our YouTube cards on the counter. She asked who the pretty girl was with me in the photos. I told her, and of course had to let her know you were in heaven. I also shared with her that while it's been hard there have been many blessings and several God moments as I call them in the months since you left us. She asked m...

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Being a single parent becasue your spouse has died provides even more challenges. Today, I failed as a parent by being too self centered about my loss. Can it be fixed? Who knows? However I do know Moms are so much better at this parenting thing.

Dear Pam, well it's the eve of us celebrating your birthday for only the second time with you in heaven. Just as I did last year I'm trying very hard to make it a day of celebration just as you wanted. I have what I think is a really cool thing set up for tomorrow where many people will help celebrate your big day. I'll share those details tomorrow because I certainly don't want to spoil the surpr...

Dear Pam, it's been a pretty good day for me and of course as always I'm sure it was sunny and 75 in heaven without a worry in the world. So, I'm guessing you had a fabulous day. I made some work calls and the usual emails with enough response that looks like I'll be traveling to Nebraska and Utah the next couple of weeks. Could pass on Nebraska but of course Utah is and always was one our favorit...

I watched a movie last night called Love Happens. Needless to say it made me cry but it was a good story. It was about a guy like me that lost his wife and then wrote a book about loss and decided he wanted to start helping others in their journeys after losing someone.

Dear Pam, it's getting a little dark and gloomy around here with another round of storms headed our way. I seem to always remember you were so calm about storms. Even in Florida when hurricanes would threaten us and I was at the TV station working around the clock you never worried. When I think about your attitude towards life it was truly a blessing how you worried about nothing.

This evening I took a long walk and ran into a woman walking her dog. One thing let to another and she asked if I was married. No, she was not checking me out but wanted to tell me about some outdoor concert coming up I might want to bring you to. I had to tell her that no, I had a beautiful date for many years but you up and went to heaven about 18 months ago. She said she was very sorry and then...

Dear Pam, when I woke us this morning I could feel I was in dangerous territory of having a very down and depressed day. I thought about skipping church and getting in the car and driving across the country. There was really nothing stopping me, but then I could hear your sweet little voice saying like you always did on Sunday mornings..."church in 15 minutes".

I usually prepare a nicely edited letter each day to my beautiful bride Pam. Tonight, I ditched that plan and after a little wine my true feelings on this Saturday are exposed. Listen...but be warned, there are no filters.

Dear Pam, it's almost midnight and I actually thought about not writing to you but the day was too incredible not to share. I just got home after driving 500 miles from Monroe, Louisiana following a business lunch there that I'm convinced was arranged by God.

Dear Pam, I'm writing again tonight from my hotel in Monroe, Louisiana after going over to Shreveport for a meeting earlier today. As you know, Shreveport holds a very special meaning in our lives because it's the city that actually led to us getting married.

I'm on a business trip in Louisiana where a flood of memories are crossing my mind from the early years of mine and Pam's marriage. They are good memories and as I retraced some of our steps I found some new friends I shared some crawfish with.