Worthless Clowns

Luke Mones joins us! Luke can’t stop saying I Love You to his Uber drivers. We discover that it’s best to put a rat in your mouth ass first. A young man won’t take responsibility for getting a lightbulb stuck in his mouth. Memories of when Jared from Subway went down, Mr Hands, rollie pollies, and piles of puke.  Follow Luke @lukemones, and check him out live https://lukemones.komi.io For clips an...

Brittany and Ali are concerned they are in a nursing home, and not in this pod. A man on the train tries to flirt by confidently claiming Ali’s house plant is a garden vegetable. Brittany’s ferry ride turns into a zombie horror film, featuring Jonathan Davis from Korn! A father hopes to teach his son how to drive better by calling him a woman. Memories of dogs speaking through buttons, kicky footi...

We finally take a break from talking about BUGS and FROGS, to talk about WEIRD DATES! Brittany’s date thinks she’s unethical for not saying she was a comedian. Ali’s date can’t explain why he has a spider tattoo or any of the words written on his chest. A man calls a baby ugly in front of its mother. Memories of movies about how the economy sucks, crying over dying fish, and cleaning elephants.  *...

Ashlynn Salzano, our stupid special guest, joins us!! We’re all waiting for more impressive alien news. Ashlynn accidentally waves condescendingly to a child. Brittany gets yelled at for reading and Ali gets yelled at for bringing home chairs. We can't figure out the frog meme on Britany’s For You page. A man takes a day off work to avoid hearing about snakes. Memories of Obama’s tan suit, Wif...

We’re super hungover! We figure out what T-Pain, Black Sabbath, and Cake have in common. On a bachelorette, Ali meets some deer and learns how to be polite to firefighters. Brittany sells golf balls for money when all she ever wanted was time. A group of ladies accuse a man of stealing the neighborhood birds.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Al...

Ali finds out there’s another happy birthday song and it’s way better. Brittany doesn’t have defective eyes, she just needs to try harder. A man gets PTSD from killing a wasp, and now believes bugs are all that matter. Ali and Brittany come up with a new angle for the OJ Simpson prosecution, relive the joy of itching bites, and realize (again) that they’re pieces of sh*t! For clips and pics, follo...

Tim McLauglin joins us!! Tim loses his glasses in a pile of trash, sh*ts himself at Rocky The Musical and then a bunch of other times. Ali goes to calculus with a problem that’s unrelated to math. A grown man is jealous of a potato that doesn’t look enough like him. Memories of smelling bad stuff and liking it, cavities, ear wax, and trees with the scent of bodily fluids.  Follow Tim @hot_comic69...

Brittany and Ali get cat called by a Tim Robinson impersonator!!! A man woos Brittany by teaching her how to use salad and sandwich bars, then gets her to “meditate” with him over the phone. In the pandemic, Ali finds human connection by guiding strangers while they parallel park. A woman wants to make a statement at a wedding by wearing a meme.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns...

Ali and Brittany roast every band member at a death metal show. Brittany’s trying to slack at soccer practice and ends up running full speed into a pole. Ali sweats like she has something to hide, and forces an audience member into taking off his shirt by calling him names. A boy gets kicked out of a groupchat after telling his aunt to flash the family. Brittany and Ali invent a new type of toilet...

A very special guest, Steven Rogers, joins us! Steven tries to trick other kids into believing he wasn’t repeating 2nd grade, wishes all busses were elephants, and ruins beach day by convincing himself he’s a creep with a white hotel towel. Brittany finally does a tell-all of her imaginary horses—proving they’re real by winning a foot race, and then giving it all up for an 8-year-old boy. Ali gets...

The pod becomes Animal Planet. Ali’s pissed at a lady walking a crab on a leash, but respects a man with a basement full of eels. Brittany saves a drowning gnat, scares a slug into appreciating its life, and paints dinner plates with horses doing exercises. A kid can’t watch Christmas movies without being interrupted by his parents’ planned light saber battles and quidditch matches. Memories of cu...

Brittany tries to join a mosh pit dressed as a 6x3 foot robot. For Ali, the worst part about 911 wasn’t even 911. A relationship gets rocky after a woman hides vegetables in her boyfriend’s food to keep him alive. Memories of Drag Race, Ripley’s Believe it or Not, and crying to sad cowboy music. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil...

We’re joined by our good friend and REAL horse girl, LIZZY CASSIDY! Lizzy attempts a ladder stunt and sprains her back, and the literal hole in her heart gets filled. A man is reprimanded for using peanut butter in a sexual manner. Memories of Disney kids, genitals going numb, and men who collect bones! Follow Lizzy @lizzycassidy and her pod @closecallspodcast  For clips and pics, follow the pod @...

Ali re-enacts shitting out a parasitic worm. Brittany won’t try her anxiety meds because she thinks they’ll make her anxious. In Boston, Ali’s father gives a meandering prayer, Brittany gets diarrhea, and we figure out the formula for all pop punk. A man asks whether it’s strange that he repeatedly sprays a child he doesn’t know with a hose. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Bri...

Ali and Brittany are at an overstimulating comedy holiday party! Ali cheats at the ice challenge and roasts a tennis player. Brittany gets a psychic reading and finds out she doesn’t have scoliosis. A woman is devastated at the possibility that a dumb orange cat is being stereotyped.   For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the p...

Mike Recine, our number one fan, is on!! Mike knows more about us through the pod than our dads ever will. If you want Ali’s full address, keep listening! Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey and mountains are tree stumps. A woman is ready to leave her boyfriend after he beats their inside joke to death. Memories of Nathan For You’s chili and Blippi’s Harlem shake poop.  Follow Mike Recine @mikerecinecom...

Brittany relives trauma of listening to a lady moan while eating carrots and apples and she wasn’t even a horse. Ali’s dog thinks she’s the mayor of NYC and is stressed out about referendums and taking a sh*t right. Ali spirals because she thinks Brittany’s dead. An adult man is jealous of a cat named Puff. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @...

Brittany’s dad invents a toilet that "works exactly as advertised." She helps him sell them and never once laughs. Ali’s mom has a crush on her carpet cleaner, but he’s only interested in birds. Ali and Brittany do impressions of crows. A man starts a ketchup business and forces his friends to act in a script he wrote about it. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittan...

We’re joined by special guest, Onika McLean!! Onika gets high, asks a friend to follower her, then almost calls the cops. Having ADHD is like a Parent Teachers Association in your head. Ali could recognize her mom’s bush in a lineup. Brittany accidentally pranks her grandparents into cleaning up fake dog sh*t.  Follow Onika McLean @onikacomedy, and check out her podcast Generation X to Z. For clip...

In her college admission essay, Ali equates joining an improv team to a famous Tarantino scene. Brittany writes Mission To Mars and Gravity, and accidentally Rick Rolls Comedy Central. A man begs his wife to let him distribute her teeth when she dies.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us...

Brittany has a sex dream about a friend that was not at all sexual, and sees a ghost balloon. Ali gets to meet RuPaul, but then her dead dog spoils it. The podcast gets renamed “Panasonic.” A couple forces their wedding guests to wear and act out hand puppets.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod?...

Josh Johnson—our very special guest and friend—won’t jump up and down with excitement until he reaches $1 million net worth, or gets sent back in time to the release date of Mrs. Doubtfire. Brittany thinks talking about throwing dead bodies into a lake is relatable. A woman who falls after getting her heels stuck in the subway grating tries to matrix herself out of it. A girlfriend gets placeboed...

Ali and Brittany recap their traumatic experience of having to listen to themselves talk about dogs for way too long on an ep of the pod. Brittany goes speed dating and meets nine engineers and one guy who probably murdered somebody. Ali gaslights everyone she loves but only about coffee and popcorn. A dude is mad at his girlfriend about an energy drink. A stranger chronicles their rocky relations...

Ali tries to trick Brittany into taking an online test that Brittany already knows everything about. A hot doctor makes Brittany too nervous to ask important questions about a procedure, and she's still not sure if they’re dating! A grown man with PTSD about carrots tries to redeem himself at a high school reunion. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwel...

You’ll love this week’s guest—Maggie Lalley! She had THIS POD on her vision board and look what happened! Maggie gets herself out of her mental spiral on United Airlines by criticizing a colleague for not even having a musical. Hey did you know that if you play her musical, “Sex Witch,” backwards it becomes a hymn? Brittany can’t get over a date’s very cold, wet mouth, and goes to a fluoride prote...