Worthless Clowns

Ali and Brittany are looking for a couple’s therapist to help them get through the intro to the pod. Brittany orders hundreds of dollars worth of services at a nail salon just to ride out a panic attack. Ali finally has enough tattoos to get into Hell, and realizes she just wants a man who would put a c-pap on her. A busy college student snaps after receiving texts one letter at a time. Memories o...

We both have a UTIs! Ali’s world crumbles when she discovers she doesn’t know Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 as deeply as she thought. Brittany blocks out negative thoughts counting by 5s, and invites her boss to run with her through a bunch of birds. A woman is accused of being small-minded for watching Big Mouth. Memories of Charlotte’s Web, learning how to be a woman, and hair down to the ass.  For cli...

We break down the joy of a STAGE NUT. Brittany chips her tooth watching a Rage Against The Machine cover band. Ali sends her roommate an obscene voice memo about shitting and pissing, spoken in a customer service voice. A man is insecure over a dog having his name. Memories of Eminem collages, vacuuming up birds, arrowheads and petrified wood. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, B...

Our good friend Mae Planert is here!! Mae thoroughly picks her nose during a company zoom call, and considers getting hypnotized as her next career move. Ali’s mad about lint. Brittany gets an IUD and her life force back. A sister chooses to wear her brother’s underwear at the worst time. Memories of Mae’s wedding, toe jam, and Shoshanna from Girls.  Follow Mae @mae_planert and her pod @risquebusi...

It’s Halloween!! Ali is going as the woman she was always meant to become. Brittany’s costume is animal-themed and not a horse. Brittany’s ex gets super into conspiracy theories but she thinks he’s just doing a bit. A man believes he’s helping the world by donating his wife’s wedding shoes. Memories of Lisa Frank velvet art, men thinking dip is dinner, Alex Jones, and long lost rocks.  For clips a...

Brittany stays in a haunted hotel in Atlantic City and visits three different psychics. Ali worries she has a parasite and gets nude with her dog in the tub. Urban Dictionary confirms that Alis and Brittanys are pieces of shit. A woman accidentally names her dog after a body phenomenon. Memories of ballet slipper foot stench, finding porn in the woods, and Brittany’s band “Dr. Kwan PHD.”  For clip...

Ben Katzner is here!! Ben takes a sh*t to pass the time and it follows him to the stage. Ali accidentally says “I love you” to a man who likes Blade Trinity. Brittany is sick of people expecting her to know how fridges and air conditioners work. A man ruins a date by pretending not to notice the lettuce and tomato on his burger. Memories of flat tires, alien news, and depressed mattresses. Follow...

Ali figures out how to get people to cut the Happy Birthday song short, and accidentally shows her t*ts to the whole bar. Brittany does a school assignment on the new-found flexibility of her tongue, and fights with a boyfriend over his ability to build a toilet. A grown man thinks periods come from butts. Memories of worrying our graphic T’s are giving everyone on the train a boner, and the worst...

Ali and Brittany are dating the seams of their pants! Ali is at a wedding jealous of the groomsmen. Brittany’s addiction to solitaire has her family concerned. A child confesses to swearing after a game of tag causes him severe sensory overload. Memories of fixing toilets and feeling brand new after taking a sh*t.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, a...

Lukas Arnold (Two Nosy Meerkats) is on!! Lukas thinks audiences can’t see him if he shuts his eyes. Brittany’s deli guy tries to give her a massage. We all figure out exactly which dog we are, the names of our specials, and that Ali’s dad’s first tattoo will be “PREACH OR DIE.” A 9 year friendship ends when a girl eats mold and falls asleep on a pile of her own puke. Memories of speaking in tongue...

Ali and Brittany get bullied online by a group of men whose personalities are entirely cars and guns. Ali’s dad somehow thinks Cleveland’s Rock n Roll Hall of Fame is a museum about tires. Brittany can’t stop humming the Backstreet Boys and loses a friend because of it. A woman snaps after being asked if everything is okay one too many times. Memories of Polly Pocket, High Stepper, and THICK WET G...

Ali and Brittany’s dads reprimand them for not reading every instruction manual. Brittany comforts a man by keeping a flower she didn’t want, and pisses off a pickle ball instructor. Ali gets a goth haircut she hates, then accidentally cat fishes the FBI over MySpace. A woman can’t make sense of group chat comments without relating them to her pregnancy. Memories of destroying TVs at dumpsters, To...

Luke Mones joins us! Luke can’t stop saying I Love You to his Uber drivers. We discover that it’s best to put a rat in your mouth ass first. A young man won’t take responsibility for getting a lightbulb stuck in his mouth. Memories of when Jared from Subway went down, Mr Hands, rollie pollies, and piles of puke.  Follow Luke @lukemones, and check him out live https://lukemones.komi.io For clips an...

Brittany and Ali are concerned they are in a nursing home, and not in this pod. A man on the train tries to flirt by confidently claiming Ali’s house plant is a garden vegetable. Brittany’s ferry ride turns into a zombie horror film, featuring Jonathan Davis from Korn! A father hopes to teach his son how to drive better by calling him a woman. Memories of dogs speaking through buttons, kicky footi...

We finally take a break from talking about BUGS and FROGS, to talk about WEIRD DATES! Brittany’s date thinks she’s unethical for not saying she was a comedian. Ali’s date can’t explain why he has a spider tattoo or any of the words written on his chest. A man calls a baby ugly in front of its mother. Memories of movies about how the economy sucks, crying over dying fish, and cleaning elephants.  *...

Ashlynn Salzano, our stupid special guest, joins us!! We’re all waiting for more impressive alien news. Ashlynn accidentally waves condescendingly to a child. Brittany gets yelled at for reading and Ali gets yelled at for bringing home chairs. We can't figure out the frog meme on Britany’s For You page. A man takes a day off work to avoid hearing about snakes. Memories of Obama’s tan suit, Wif...

We’re super hungover! We figure out what T-Pain, Black Sabbath, and Cake have in common. On a bachelorette, Ali meets some deer and learns how to be polite to firefighters. Brittany sells golf balls for money when all she ever wanted was time. A group of ladies accuse a man of stealing the neighborhood birds.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Al...

Ali finds out there’s another happy birthday song and it’s way better. Brittany doesn’t have defective eyes, she just needs to try harder. A man gets PTSD from killing a wasp, and now believes bugs are all that matter. Ali and Brittany come up with a new angle for the OJ Simpson prosecution, relive the joy of itching bites, and realize (again) that they’re pieces of sh*t! For clips and pics, follo...

Tim McLauglin joins us!! Tim loses his glasses in a pile of trash, sh*ts himself at Rocky The Musical and then a bunch of other times. Ali goes to calculus with a problem that’s unrelated to math. A grown man is jealous of a potato that doesn’t look enough like him. Memories of smelling bad stuff and liking it, cavities, ear wax, and trees with the scent of bodily fluids.  Follow Tim @hot_comic69...

Brittany and Ali get cat called by a Tim Robinson impersonator!!! A man woos Brittany by teaching her how to use salad and sandwich bars, then gets her to “meditate” with him over the phone. In the pandemic, Ali finds human connection by guiding strangers while they parallel park. A woman wants to make a statement at a wedding by wearing a meme.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns...

Ali and Brittany roast every band member at a death metal show. Brittany’s trying to slack at soccer practice and ends up running full speed into a pole. Ali sweats like she has something to hide, and forces an audience member into taking off his shirt by calling him names. A boy gets kicked out of a groupchat after telling his aunt to flash the family. Brittany and Ali invent a new type of toilet...

A very special guest, Steven Rogers, joins us! Steven tries to trick other kids into believing he wasn’t repeating 2nd grade, wishes all busses were elephants, and ruins beach day by convincing himself he’s a creep with a white hotel towel. Brittany finally does a tell-all of her imaginary horses—proving they’re real by winning a foot race, and then giving it all up for an 8-year-old boy. Ali gets...

The pod becomes Animal Planet. Ali’s pissed at a lady walking a crab on a leash, but respects a man with a basement full of eels. Brittany saves a drowning gnat, scares a slug into appreciating its life, and paints dinner plates with horses doing exercises. A kid can’t watch Christmas movies without being interrupted by his parents’ planned light saber battles and quidditch matches. Memories of cu...

Brittany tries to join a mosh pit dressed as a 6x3 foot robot. For Ali, the worst part about 911 wasn’t even 911. A relationship gets rocky after a woman hides vegetables in her boyfriend’s food to keep him alive. Memories of Drag Race, Ripley’s Believe it or Not, and crying to sad cowboy music. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil...

We’re joined by our good friend and REAL horse girl, LIZZY CASSIDY! Lizzy attempts a ladder stunt and sprains her back, and the literal hole in her heart gets filled. A man is reprimanded for using peanut butter in a sexual manner. Memories of Disney kids, genitals going numb, and men who collect bones! Follow Lizzy @lizzycassidy and her pod @closecallspodcast  For clips and pics, follow the pod @...