Worthless Clowns

Ali gets punched out for telling a kid “NICE HAT”. Brittany relies on her “phonological loop” to hear Ali’s riffs. One man refuses to bow while another refuses to fully orgasm. Memories of getting nervous for the knee reflex test, Katy Perry being Slimed, and hot emo boys kissing. AND..Brittany opens her Christmas gift! (late!)  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @britto...

Brittany gets manipulated by a handicapped cat, and Ali witnesses a cat’s eye fall straight out of its head. Our moms roast us for wanting sexy underwear. A woman ruthlessly outlines why her classmate should get a lower grade. Memories of friendship panties, airplane armrest fights, and dads explaining clouds. AND.. Ali opens her Xmas present (late!)  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessc...

Ali and Brittany discover that you have to draw a lot of boobs to get big boobs. Brittany can’t grasp how a little bird could have told on her. A man fears his boss’s huge chest will ruin his relationship. Memories of drooling on text books, Neil The Seal, and Jerry Seinfeld refusing to hug Kesha.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalione...

Abe Gatling (Comedy Central) joins us!! Abe spends two years figuring out why a dude appears to be missing half of his butt. Ali accidentally befriends a man who just got out of jail and hasn’t done crack in two weeks. Brittany wears a horse shirt and finally feels one with herself. A man gives up his marriage to read about local news. Memories of Drew Carey wrestling, and inventing dick chess. Fo...

We’re telling Thanksgiving stories in February (again!). Ali finds out what her dad reads while taking a shit, and needs everyone at a rest stop to know her dog barfed. Brittany karaokes a Roy Orbison song with the wrong emotion. A boyfriend defends his couches from a woman’s period. Memories of pretending to dance, lizards molting, and men shadow boxing.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worth...

We’re both constipated!! Brittany accidentally befriends multiple conspiracy theorists by talking about her thesis on false memories. Ali’s camera roll is filled with pictures of dog shit for a good reason. We discover “the hidden mysteries of Antarctica,” that mountains are actually tree stumps, and that babies can be used as mops. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @br...

Shane Torres (Conan, Comedy Central) is back! Shane disturbs a family when all he wanted to do was pee. Brittany makes her boyfriend a horsey gift that even she can’t understand. Ali’s improv frat leaves her to yes-and herself out of the woods. A young couple fights over spit in their trash can. Memories of Hot Cheeto Girls, terrible roommates, and getting motor oil for Christmas. Watch Shane’s sp...

Brittany tries hard to write a serious poem that her teacher hates, then writes a bullshit poem that her teacher loves. Ali pretends to know what the war of 1812 is, and thinks a cup moving is her grandma’s ghost. A hypothetical man doesn’t understand Live Laugh Love. A woman explodes emotionally after her books get reorganized. Memories of paper bag book covers, scary stilts, and fear of not acti...

Ali gets a tattoo to remember her uncle by and upsets her aunt, then starts beef with Taylor Swift. Brittany cries about calculus for 3 months straight, learns about different sized craps, and figures out why all halloween parties suck. A listener tries to impress a boy with a dangerous cartwheel. Memories of being called fours, and having braces, headgear and lip bumpers.  For clips and pics, fol...

We’re joined by Jamie Lee (Ted Lasso, HBO’s Crashing)! Jamie tells a lie that makes her wonder who she really is. We all suck at home decor and being bridesmaids. A psycho father puts his children through bootcamp every morning, then justifies it in a fake post written as "his daughter". Memories of the best Friends characters (Joey and Phoebe!), pretending to know Kurt Vonnegut, and rea...

We discover why hugs feel so good! Ali admits to smooching herself in bed. Brittany finds out that she sounds sarcastic even when she’s kissing. A boss and a bar tender severely misread the room. A man tricks a friend into shitting just to prove his milk was stolen. Memories of writing “boobs” in calculators, roommates counting tablespoons, and mother’s intuition. A wonderful person and comic, Ken...

Ali gets a tattoo of a dragon representing a lizard, representing a self help mantra. Brittany plays a paper plane prank on her Spanish teacher and gets voted Ass Clown. A man criticizes a woman for referring to her dead friend in the present tense. Memories of grandpas playing poker, shitting, writing checks at the grocery store, and more. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brit...

Myka Fox joins us!! Myka and Brittany are at a party stuck on two very different puzzles. Myka gets stranded on a whale watching boat and tries to be a garbage man for a night. A man attempts to get OJ Simpson’s attention by dedicating his sci-fi book to him. Memories of plants that can cry, read, and enjoy metal music.  Follow Myka @mykafox and check out her very fun pod @greathangpod For clips a...

Ali and Brittany are looking for a couple’s therapist to help them get through the intro to the pod. Brittany orders hundreds of dollars worth of services at a nail salon just to ride out a panic attack. Ali finally has enough tattoos to get into Hell, and realizes she just wants a man who would put a c-pap on her. A busy college student snaps after receiving texts one letter at a time. Memories o...

We both have a UTIs! Ali’s world crumbles when she discovers she doesn’t know Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 as deeply as she thought. Brittany blocks out negative thoughts counting by 5s, and invites her boss to run with her through a bunch of birds. A woman is accused of being small-minded for watching Big Mouth. Memories of Charlotte’s Web, learning how to be a woman, and hair down to the ass.  For cli...

We break down the joy of a STAGE NUT. Brittany chips her tooth watching a Rage Against The Machine cover band. Ali sends her roommate an obscene voice memo about shitting and pissing, spoken in a customer service voice. A man is insecure over a dog having his name. Memories of Eminem collages, vacuuming up birds, arrowheads and petrified wood. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, B...

Our good friend Mae Planert is here!! Mae thoroughly picks her nose during a company zoom call, and considers getting hypnotized as her next career move. Ali’s mad about lint. Brittany gets an IUD and her life force back. A sister chooses to wear her brother’s underwear at the worst time. Memories of Mae’s wedding, toe jam, and Shoshanna from Girls.  Follow Mae @mae_planert and her pod @risquebusi...

It’s Halloween!! Ali is going as the woman she was always meant to become. Brittany’s costume is animal-themed and not a horse. Brittany’s ex gets super into conspiracy theories but she thinks he’s just doing a bit. A man believes he’s helping the world by donating his wife’s wedding shoes. Memories of Lisa Frank velvet art, men thinking dip is dinner, Alex Jones, and long lost rocks.  For clips a...

Brittany stays in a haunted hotel in Atlantic City and visits three different psychics. Ali worries she has a parasite and gets nude with her dog in the tub. Urban Dictionary confirms that Alis and Brittanys are pieces of shit. A woman accidentally names her dog after a body phenomenon. Memories of ballet slipper foot stench, finding porn in the woods, and Brittany’s band “Dr. Kwan PHD.”  For clip...

Ben Katzner is here!! Ben takes a sh*t to pass the time and it follows him to the stage. Ali accidentally says “I love you” to a man who likes Blade Trinity. Brittany is sick of people expecting her to know how fridges and air conditioners work. A man ruins a date by pretending not to notice the lettuce and tomato on his burger. Memories of flat tires, alien news, and depressed mattresses. Follow...

Ali figures out how to get people to cut the Happy Birthday song short, and accidentally shows her t*ts to the whole bar. Brittany does a school assignment on the new-found flexibility of her tongue, and fights with a boyfriend over his ability to build a toilet. A grown man thinks periods come from butts. Memories of worrying our graphic T’s are giving everyone on the train a boner, and the worst...

Ali and Brittany are dating the seams of their pants! Ali is at a wedding jealous of the groomsmen. Brittany’s addiction to solitaire has her family concerned. A child confesses to swearing after a game of tag causes him severe sensory overload. Memories of fixing toilets and feeling brand new after taking a sh*t.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, a...

Lukas Arnold (Two Nosy Meerkats) is on!! Lukas thinks audiences can’t see him if he shuts his eyes. Brittany’s deli guy tries to give her a massage. We all figure out exactly which dog we are, the names of our specials, and that Ali’s dad’s first tattoo will be “PREACH OR DIE.” A 9 year friendship ends when a girl eats mold and falls asleep on a pile of her own puke. Memories of speaking in tongue...

Ali and Brittany get bullied online by a group of men whose personalities are entirely cars and guns. Ali’s dad somehow thinks Cleveland’s Rock n Roll Hall of Fame is a museum about tires. Brittany can’t stop humming the Backstreet Boys and loses a friend because of it. A woman snaps after being asked if everything is okay one too many times. Memories of Polly Pocket, High Stepper, and THICK WET G...

Ali and Brittany’s dads reprimand them for not reading every instruction manual. Brittany comforts a man by keeping a flower she didn’t want, and pisses off a pickle ball instructor. Ali gets a goth haircut she hates, then accidentally cat fishes the FBI over MySpace. A woman can’t make sense of group chat comments without relating them to her pregnancy. Memories of destroying TVs at dumpsters, To...