Worthless Clowns

Ali and Brittany film themselves chugging chocolate milk and Gatorade. Brittany calms herself during an MRI by imagining it as noise metal in outer space. Ali fails a dap up and her office won’t let her forget about it. A woman discover someone else brought Hawaiian rolls to the work potluck. Memories of aggressive hand shakes, squiggly cartoons, and Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten. We want your s...

Ali and Brittany do a deep dive into their terrible past relationships. Ali inadvertently makes a young bright-eyed graphic designer question his life’s work. Brittany invites cops to her special taping. A man’s relationship completely falls apart because he can’t stop whistling. Memories of Samsung TV commercials, being stunned speechless by beauty, and CT scans.  We want your stories!!! Send the...

Brittany tries to sell comedy tickets to Bill Burr and Jimmy Fallon. Ali commemorates the 2013 Rehoboth Dead Fisher Cat, and creates a dystopian landscape in her fish tank. A man’s tooth falls out in his burrito and he accuses a woman with long fingernails. Memories of severed fingers in Wendy’s chili, bombing in front of family, and dogs recognizing actors.  We want your stories!!! Send them in h...

Brittany and Ali’s unconscious tries its very best to get them out of their terrible relationships. A listener discovers they may be autistic, but must first write an essay to prove it to their doctor. Memories of monster pigs, smashing cologne on your head, and the Reading the Minds Eye test.  We want your stories!!! Send them in here and we will read them on the pod: https://docs.google.com/form...

For her birthday Brittany’s ex gets her a rage room and a cameo from favorite New Zealand rapper. Ali’s late to all her appointments because she can’t stop looking at her fish tank, and teaches her therapist to communicate in terms of “I’m a piece of shit.” Memories of 5 Girls, jade eggs, and Korn of course.  We want your stories!!! Send them in here and we will read them on the pod: https://docs....

Brittany is depressed and embarrassed that she is unable to order a spicy meal.  Ali’s experiencing delusions of her dog chewing her paw. We decide to make taxidermy rat versions of ourselves. A listener’s boyfriend has seemingly never met a gay man and also cannot grasp what it means to be bi. Memories of Goku’s special attack, shaving bushes, and break-ups on birthdays.  We want your stories!!!...

We hype up pre-show by beating our chests, power posing, and self affirming. Brittany struggles to understand the pain scale and telling two famous old men apart. Ali gets high for her IUD insertion and is scared of who she will become if she starts wearing hats. A woman with loose butt cheeks gets chased down by the French police for trying to put in a tampon. Memories of overblown Ted Talks, mis...

A man confronts Brittany about her big huge hotdog eyes. Ali chokes up around a band she just got into, and keeps waking up to a country song about boobs.  A listener accidentally breaks into her boss’s house and makes a really big mess. Memories of Korn breakdowns, horse plates for dad, and tic tac toe. We want your stories!!! Send them in here and we will read them on the pod: https://docs.googl...

It’s Ali’s one year anniversary of getting hit by a car! And she’s ready to get hit again! Brittany finally realizes what water and addresses are for. A listener too desperate to prove she can pee ends up looking very suspicious at her drug test. Memories of men loving pixels, embroidery addiction, and Ray Mysterio.  We want your stories!!! Send them in here and we will read them on the pod: https...

We go to Chicago! Ali’s shrimp knowledge is on full display at the aquarium, and a crab is doing Brittany’s physical therapy exercises. A listener plays metaphorical poker with an itchy man on the bus. Memories of 9/11 weddings, composing songs for Betty the dog, and Dinosaur Club.  We want your stories!!! Send them in here and we will read them on the pod: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1dUW3R4J...

It’s Valentines Day (we posted this very very late!). Brittany strips to Chop Suey and makes a fool of herself during an invasive ultrasound. Ali goes absolutely nuts with her food processor and accidentally offends her tattoo artist. A listener unwittingly roasts a man dressed like he’s in Scooby Doo. Memories of fresh water fish pamphlets, dad’s horse plates, and microbiome transfers.  We want y...

We’re back from a long hiatus!!! A lot has happened in the world of Ali’s fish tank. We determine the hottest lions of Lion King, and prep for our photoshoot by doing crafts and watching Adventure Time. A listener attempts to rollerblade with clenched cheeks in a desperate search for the toilet. Memories of a dad testing a Byrna Launcher on himself, the best pogs and slammers, and the Aladdin soun...

We've missed you all!!! We've got pod updates for you! PLUS: Brittany's special is out this Tuesday October 21st 8pm (EST) on her YouTube! Watch it, share it, comment with clown emojis, tell your friends! And if you haven't subscribed yet, do it now: https://www.youtube.com/@brittonuscardwell Thank you all for listening and we'll be back soon!

Ali unloads on an unsuspecting man about Tony Hawk Pro Skater, CYK, and Bam Margera. Brittany gets kidnapped at a Vegas bachelorette party by a Seinfeld enthusiast. A man tries to convince a woman he’s “normal” by jumping into a sprinkler. Memories of phd balance testing strips, embarrassing pillow talk, and The Joker. Brittany’s special is coming out SOON!!! Look out for it on her Youtube, and su...

Ali befriends a fellow fish tank owner, and roasts Ed Sheeran and Harvard, bigtime. Brittany keeps mistaking Jenna Ortega for her nephew, and holds a stingray by the lips. Laura Loomer gets PUNK’D. Memories of minigolf strategy, trying Kibbles N Bits, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate...

Our very good friend Kelly Taylor joins us!! Kelly blacks out, then wakes up outside her situationship’s house. Ali’s having trouble laughing with a pulled rib muscle, and Brittany’s bathroom ceiling collapses. Memories of answering the phone “this is she”, hating showers, and guys with records.  Follow Kelly @hellothisiskelly and check out her pod “I feel fat today”!  For clips and pics, follow t...

Brittany gets falsely accused of cheating on a math test based entirely on her poorly written 4s. Ali is introduced to an acquaintance and immediately bullies him into submission. A man obsessed with the psychology of clapping puts his theories to the test and gets ripped to shreds in peer review. Memories of bonding with dads over terrible New York apartments, the best side of the bed, and the De...

Ali delivers a Powerpoint presentation about her worst f-boy experience to a bunch of inexperienced bachelorettes. Brittany’s mother got bored of documenting her children’s experiences after the first child, and it shows. A man gets a job after farting in the Zoom interview. Memories of doing the Polka, elementary school gun training, and the joy of glitter. RAT NEWS: Brittany dreams she has a sen...

Joe Nunnink joins us!! Joe sh*ts his pants in a sea of middle school kids, demolishes his giant Lego castle in a rage, and discovers he has an evil super power. Brittany learns that all horses have autism, and Ali goes through many phases before landing on goth. Memories of Ghost Adventures, flushing fish down the toilet, and the Inspector Gadget McDonald’s Toy. Follow Joe @nunnigram and check out...

Ali gets reprimanded for doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance at a talent show. Brittany keeps getting blasted back into a memory of that one time she felt cool at the library. RAT NEWS: lady octopuses are throwing rocks at dude octopuses they don’t want to sleep with. Memories of “Sean de Paul”, the “what fruit is my baby” app, and taking SAT and LSATs for fun.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @w...

Ali’s eating shit in rollerblading class and taking restaurant rules way too literally. Brittany’s getting harassed by a reptile enthusiast and dates a man with a record number of red flags. A young man makes an entirely gray gender reveal cake. RAT NEWS: a garbage city in New Bedford collapses, creating a huge rat-housing problem. Memories of Physics for Babies, screaming at game nights, and Luck...

Lucia Whalen (What a Waste Pod) joins us!! Lucia’s at a wedding stealing the show with her medically-bad sunburn, and demands that everyone please stop talking about the Titanic. Ali’s listening to It’s Raining Men on repeat, and Brittany’s cheerleading with girls half her age. RAT NEWS: how rats taught us about love addiction. Memories of The SS Edmond Fitzgerald, compost alarms, and falling into...

Ali’s butt-out in goth makeup, capsizing a kayak. Brittany’s roasting her brother’s love of lambs, hate of broken brownies, and letters to mommy and daddy. A relationship gets rocky when a woman refuses to eat an orange, peel and all. Memories of reading bedtime Tik Toks, celebrity pilots, and Where’s Waldo (the lizard version). For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @britto...

We decide on our couple’s name, it’s: Briali. Ali’s at Jesus camp using a tampon wrong and pretending it didn’t just fall out into the pool. For Christmas, Brittany and her brothers buy their uncle only a Meatloaf CD. A man gets revenge by planting gnomes in the neighbors yard. Memories of putting garter snakes in pockets, fake exercise, and dogs checking their notifications.  For clips and pics,...

Our good friend, Steven Rogers (Colbert), joins us for his induction into the Repeat-guest Hall of Fame. Steven’s newly single, (not) approaching women reading books, commenting on their Rick James jackets, and wishing he could introduce himself by listing his TV credits. Memories of monkeys writing Shakespeare, women’s cyclic mating preferences, and piles of buttons.  Check out Steven’s brand new...