Worthless Clowns

Ali re-enacts shitting out a parasitic worm. Brittany won’t try her anxiety meds because she thinks they’ll make her anxious. In Boston, Ali’s father gives a meandering prayer, Brittany gets diarrhea, and we figure out the formula for all pop punk. A man asks whether it’s strange that he repeatedly sprays a child he doesn’t know with a hose. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Bri...

Ali and Brittany are at an overstimulating comedy holiday party! Ali cheats at the ice challenge and roasts a tennis player. Brittany gets a psychic reading and finds out she doesn’t have scoliosis. A woman is devastated at the possibility that a dumb orange cat is being stereotyped.   For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the p...

Mike Recine, our number one fan, is on!! Mike knows more about us through the pod than our dads ever will. If you want Ali’s full address, keep listening! Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey and mountains are tree stumps. A woman is ready to leave her boyfriend after he beats their inside joke to death. Memories of Nathan For You’s chili and Blippi’s Harlem shake poop.  Follow Mike Recine @mikerecinecom...

Brittany relives trauma of listening to a lady moan while eating carrots and apples and she wasn’t even a horse. Ali’s dog thinks she’s the mayor of NYC and is stressed out about referendums and taking a sh*t right. Ali spirals because she thinks Brittany’s dead. An adult man is jealous of a cat named Puff. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @...

Brittany’s dad invents a toilet that "works exactly as advertised." She helps him sell them and never once laughs. Ali’s mom has a crush on her carpet cleaner, but he’s only interested in birds. Ali and Brittany do impressions of crows. A man starts a ketchup business and forces his friends to act in a script he wrote about it. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittan...

We’re joined by special guest, Onika McLean!! Onika gets high, asks a friend to follower her, then almost calls the cops. Having ADHD is like a Parent Teachers Association in your head. Ali could recognize her mom’s bush in a lineup. Brittany accidentally pranks her grandparents into cleaning up fake dog sh*t.  Follow Onika McLean @onikacomedy, and check out her podcast Generation X to Z. For clip...

In her college admission essay, Ali equates joining an improv team to a famous Tarantino scene. Brittany writes Mission To Mars and Gravity, and accidentally Rick Rolls Comedy Central. A man begs his wife to let him distribute her teeth when she dies.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us...

Brittany has a sex dream about a friend that was not at all sexual, and sees a ghost balloon. Ali gets to meet RuPaul, but then her dead dog spoils it. The podcast gets renamed “Panasonic.” A couple forces their wedding guests to wear and act out hand puppets.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on the pod?...

Josh Johnson—our very special guest and friend—won’t jump up and down with excitement until he reaches $1 million net worth, or gets sent back in time to the release date of Mrs. Doubtfire. Brittany thinks talking about throwing dead bodies into a lake is relatable. A woman who falls after getting her heels stuck in the subway grating tries to matrix herself out of it. A girlfriend gets placeboed...

Ali and Brittany recap their traumatic experience of having to listen to themselves talk about dogs for way too long on an ep of the pod. Brittany goes speed dating and meets nine engineers and one guy who probably murdered somebody. Ali gaslights everyone she loves but only about coffee and popcorn. A dude is mad at his girlfriend about an energy drink. A stranger chronicles their rocky relations...

Ali tries to trick Brittany into taking an online test that Brittany already knows everything about. A hot doctor makes Brittany too nervous to ask important questions about a procedure, and she's still not sure if they’re dating! A grown man with PTSD about carrots tries to redeem himself at a high school reunion. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwel...

You’ll love this week’s guest—Maggie Lalley! She had THIS POD on her vision board and look what happened! Maggie gets herself out of her mental spiral on United Airlines by criticizing a colleague for not even having a musical. Hey did you know that if you play her musical, “Sex Witch,” backwards it becomes a hymn? Brittany can’t get over a date’s very cold, wet mouth, and goes to a fluoride prote...

Brittany gets high on life and Tetris and becomes a dude for the night. Ali smokes weed for the first time, causing Jesus to lose a limb and her mom to go the hospital. A man acts like he’s writing a book, throws a steak at a window then decides to eat dust. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want your stupid story on...

Brittany sees an alien and ectoplasm at the same time, and bonds with her brothers by puking in piles. Ali gets mono, flashes her doctor, and draws her mom with huge knockers. A husband is only asking two things of his wife: for her to knit hats and cease developing mentally. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Want yo...

Shane Torres joins us!! We turn into The Korn Pod. Shane is impressed by a bread-throwing child. Brittany tries to hatch chickens with blankets and cure cancer with snot. Ali’s impression of Brittany is Brittany’s impression of Ali. A man tries too hard to answer a “guess what” question and gets punished with reading assignments. Go see Shane live at his special taping!! March 18th at the Sultan R...

THANKSGIVING STORIES IN FEBRUARY! Brittany gets stuck in time then yells at a child. Ali realizes not all Thanksgivings end in fighting over an insect tattoo. Brittany breaks stuff with Fred Durst and the boys. A man morns the loss of his McDonald app points. Ali and Brittany relive childhood coupon trauma. Want your stupid story on the pod? Email us at worthlessclownspod@gmail.com For clips and p...

Brittany pretends to ride a horse and ends up moshing hard, alone in a field. If you can’t talk about three very specific things then you will never be friends with Ali. A girl ends up with a scary friend after overlooking obvious clues for several months. Brittany has done this before. Memories of chat roulette, pain olympics, and Simpsons p*rn. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @wo...

This week we have a very special guest—Sean Patton, the Snickers bar of friends! Sean’s bowel movement ends in a super power. Ali’s on a train thinking nobody but Brittany can see all the d*cks in her mouth. A woman dims down her farming abilities for her very secure husband. Follow Sean @mrseanpatton and check out his special, “Number One,” on Peacock! For clips and pics, follow the pod on instag...

Ali tells us about her dog’s dragging nipples and strategies for chatting up deli men. Brittany thinks telling Hinge dudes about her dad’s Panasonic t-shirt is a way of flirting. A wife has a strange water preference that her husband does not understand. In fear of being cut off, she starts hoarding. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and...

After clogging the toilet, Ali is finally able to perform grief for her relatives. The two dudes wearing freaky ass masks on Brittany’s train become fast friends. A male human marks his territory, then blames the cat. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Also this week.. Brittany’s recording a joint album with Josh John...

Eitan Levine (our first guest and good friend!!) gets to scream his negative memories of Ted Cruz directly at Ted Cruz, and goes viral for it. Brittany avoids existential dread by making a scrapbook of family trips to Lowe’s Home Improvement. After losing her virginity, Ali interprets burning piss as punishment from on high. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittan...

Ali wakes up to an embarrassing Google search and her hands down her pants. Brittany explains her very stupid strategy for avoiding doing something dumb while she dies in a plane crash. A man who hates his wife’s poor grammar decides to fix it by cyberbullying her from multiple accounts. For clips and pics, follow the pod on instagram @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalio...

Brittany and Ali are in New Orleans for a comic wedding! A swamp tour guide barely talks about the bayou and instead tells us his very personal and devastating memories. Ali curls her hair for four hours and starts snapping at everyone she loves. Brittany fucked up her three chances to be in the movie What We Do In the Shadows. A dude’s sex playlist contains a regrettable song. For clips and pics,...