We Need To Talk with Dr. Darcy Sterling

A couple of months ago, I interviewed New York Times bestselling author, Molly Roden Winter. Her book, “ More: A Memoir of Open Marriage ” documents her journey as a Brooklyn Mom who ventures into the world of polyamory, as she opens her marriage.  My interview with her sparked such a buzz from listeners — more than any other episode of WNTT. It’s linked below if you haven’t listened. &n...

When you think about boundaries, what emotions come up for you? Since you listen to this podcast, you probably think that the idea of boundaries is appropriate — that people should have the right to set them.  But that doesn’t mean you find it easy to set boundaries. Humans, particularly women, are raised to be likable. And for a lot of people, “likable” and “boundaries” are oxymorons. ...

I spent the first 15 years of my career working with teenagers, studying child and adolescent development. And what I can tell you is that throughout history, adults have consistently seen new technologies as potential threats, and we’ve been particularly concerned about the harm those technologies can have on children.  It’s part of the reason why I’ve been slow to join the hand wringing aro...

Marriage, today, is a very long partnership. Half a century or more, if you do it in your 20’s and you’re lucky enough to live out the average lifespan in the USA: 77.  When I think about the length of that intended commitment, I wonder how reasonable it is that we expect anyone to make it.  I’m going to use a very unromantic analogy here:  Making a long-term commitment can be a lit...

I love a good redemption story. And few things epitomize redemption better than successful recovery from addiction.  One of the fundamental aspects to recovery is a notion that you have to hit rock bottom to realize you are no longer a recreational user who has any control over how much, when, and where you use.  But what is it about needing to reach a breaking point in order to decide,...

I keep secrets for a living. That’s more or less what a therapist does.  But in my personal life, I don’t want anything to do with them.  I don’t find delight in them whatsoever.  To me, they’re an imposition.  Humans are hardwired to feel valued when someone confides in us.  It scratches an evolutionary itch that can leave us feeling bonded to the person who shared the se...

Guess who you get to meet in this episode? My WIFE, Steph Sterling.  Today’s topic is all about communication. And in the spirit of walking the walk, I felt there’d be no better person to have this conversation with than the person who is on the receiving end of the ways I communicate, so I invited my wife, Steph Sterling, to join me for this episode.  Steph has been a practicing therapi...

If you have experience with long-term relationships, you probably expect the wild passion of the beginning to fade over time. It’s a bit of a trade off: You accept that in exchange for diminishing fireworks, you get the comfort and security that comes from being in a stable, committed relationship. But what if you didn’t have to trade one for the other? What if there was a way to keep the passion...

Divorce isn’t a topic I discuss regularly. It’s not that I’m in denial. But as a relationship therapist, people generally come to me to avoid the D word. However, once divorce is on the table, guiding my client through the process can feel like we’re a team of two in need of more support. Which is why today’s guest, Alex Kapp, was so perfect for this discussion. She’s part of an emerging professio...

In the west, monogamy is our default relationship model. But, to be clear, monogamy is a social construct. It is not inherent to our biology.  That’s an important fact to keep in mind throughout today’s conversation with New York Times Best Selling author, Molly Roden Winter, whose recent book “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage,” documents her journey through non-monogamy.  In this episode...

What you may not know about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that talk therapy is more likely to retraumatize you than to heal you.  There’s a neurological explanation for why talk therapy is often ineffective for trauma: Talking about the bad thing that happened opens up the same networks in your brain that were activated when you were in the situation that traumatized you — and unless you...

Most people think they have a history of picking the wrong partner. They describe themselves as having a “bad picker.” The problem was in their choice of partner — not in how they co-managed the relationship. Today, I’m making the argument that we all pick the wrong partner. You will pick a partner who, over time, will almost certainly feel like the wrong partner, and it actually doesn’t matter. Y...

For members of the LGBTQ community, coming out isn’t a one-off conversation. It’s more like a series of discussions in which the person discloses to their loved ones that they are not the expected default, and instead are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning — or some combination thereof. The process of coming out is largely influenced by when a person comes out. Like, literally,...

People who are unhappy in their lives have common denominators. It doesn’t matter what area of life they’re unhappy with — the solve is the same because the issue isn’t really about that particular area of their life — it’s about the way they approach things.  Today, I’m going to show you how unhappiness in the quality of your relationships, your ability to reach goals, even the amount of mon...

Years ago, I was gutted by a falling out with one of my siblings. It quickly became clear that we were on the verge of estrangement, and that impending loss brought me to my knees —I had just recovered from PTSD and was terrified of getting sucked into the black hole of trauma that I’d just come through.  Frantic for help, I found myself Googling a solution, and up came the term Forgiveness T...

We all learn relationship skills in our formative years during childhood — for better or worse. As adults, it’s up to us to assess which of those skills serve us and to unlearn those that don’t.  Whether or not you’re a parent, I promise this episode is relevant for you. In this candid conversation with parenting expert Dr. Jennifer Weberman, we drill down on how everyday experiences provide...

Lately, my conversations with clients + friends involve talk about exhaustion. There’s a general sense of burnout — a fatigue that weekends and time off no longer cures.   Which makes sense to me from a mental health perspective.   Life, particularly in recent years, has felt incredibly unpredictable, and as humans, we can tolerate a lack of predictability for short periods of...

I have walked countless people through romantic breakups over the years, and almost universally, I’m told that the most painful part of the breakup is losing their best friend.  Which is why I wanted to dedicate an entire episode of We Need To Talk to the heartbreak we endure when we break up with a friend.  The loss of a friendship can be gut-wrenching. And it’s made worse by the absenc...

There’s a new term in the workplace that describes a behavior that’s existed for as long as I can remember: Quiet Quitting.  It’s when an employee is dissatisfied with their job and rather than resigning, they do the bare minimum (and sometimes less) to remain employed. But they’re basically checked out. They’re going through the motions to avoid having to deal with the stress that comes from...

Leaders in my field have been trying to uncover the formula to successful relationships for decades.  We understand the importance of attraction — that magnetic pull between people that we call ‘chemistry’ — but we tend to contrast its importance with compatibility.     Today I am diving into the debate, along with all the questions, like:   Can a relationship still b...

I hate hearing, “You’re too sensitive.” Maybe because when I’ve been on the receiving end of it, a flood of shame has followed.  On the rare occasion when it hasn’t made me hang my head, a defensive retort has usually flown out of my mouth, leaving me feeling like I just validated the judgment that was hurled at me, and I feel even worse. There’s something about “sensitivity” that causes peop...

Alright, Couples! I am here to celebrate you today and hopefully to inspire you with unique ways to honor your love today and throughout the year.  Last week we explored how singles can gracefully handle Valentine's Day, acknowledging that not everyone is in a relationship — which is perfectly fine. This week we delve into how couples can celebrate this day in meaningful ways. Here’s what you...

Valentine’s Day rubs a nerve in me. It makes me feel very protective of the single people in my life. I hate that we have a holiday that underscores everyone’s relationship status. My mind continuously goes to how February 14th makes singles feel — especially women.  Which is why this episode is dedicated to SINGLES.  Today, I celebrate you.  Not in the trite ways we see on social m...

We live in a world that celebrates self-sufficiency and independence which is creating a culture of people who avoid asking for help.  From the fear of appearing weak or needy, to the concern that we’re imposing when we DO ask for help, I often find that my clients don’t consider asking for assistance when they’re in situations that objectively warrant at least a second set of hands, if not a...

Jealousy is a normal human emotion. We are all hardwired with the capacity to feel it.  But in some of us, jealousy takes on a different form.  It morphs into a force that controls the person prone to it, who in turn, attempts to control their partner as a means to mitigate their misery.  Unfortunately, the path to healing jealousy doesn’t involve one’s partner.  There’s no amo...