The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week we talk about 1992's Under Siege with none other than Steven Seagal. We learn that he's more than just a cook, and has like 9 purple hearts and is so awesome at everything. We also learn that Tommy Lee Jones might be wearing a hair piece... or is he? Listen to the show to find out. The truth may surprise you. Let's do this! Loony Poons! Hnghnughnugh on the bayou! Return of the horsefishe...

Judge Dredd is the law! And we're subjecting ourselves to his chiseled jawline, and remarkable stature. Oh, how we've been humbled by this steamy loaf. Let's not dilly dally... here we go! Sloppy Sly slaw! Faulty pipe logic (again)! Sci-Fi Denial! Wanton destruction of small businesses! Tit to toe leotard ensembles! Celebratory starvation pacts! Stabby soliloquies! Leslie Shats, and much, much mor...

What has three heads, smells like puke, and will probably quit podcasting forever after the release of this episode? If you guessed Chris, Bob, and Rob, you guessed correctly. We done did it, ladies and gents. Listen to the baffled bewilderment of your beloved hosts performing mental gymnastics trying to explain away any decision made by the people who put this one together. It doesn't make any se...

Armageddon, Interstellar, and The Day After Tomorrow walk into a bar. They see two brothers touch wieners while shaking the president’s hand. A daughter who has a total of 3 minutes of screen time is supposed to be the emotional anchor that holds it all together. Bartender says the title of the movie half a dozen times for no reason. Everybody is confused. If you're troubled by what transpired, yo...

Season 7 starts off with a bang as we hopefully end this George Lucas Streak. George Lucas, the man who's indirectly responsible for the MCU (we think!). Let's get right into it. Regions of demons! Casual bestiality! Duck dick TikTok! Locking in the flavor! The career manipulation of Bodacious Beverly! Satan's Sluts, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!  www.the...

It's our season finale, so that means we end with a good movie! That's right, episode 5. The one with all the great quotables, betrayal, romance, and action. This movie was so good, that Rob actually kinda liked it. Lots of great nerding out on this one, and we get to once again cleanse our palates before diving into another season of hot garbage. Let's get right to it. Animal igloos! Milky Androi...

We know, we know... you're looking at the title, and thinking, "not that movie!" It's okay. There are some things to consider. For one, our podcast runs shorter than the actual movie, we actually have a structure and sense of direction to our show, and we'd like to think we're charismatic and exuberant in our delivery. Based on those stats alone, we're already doing a better job than the assholes...

Gather round, and grab a seat. It's time for your hosts to tell you a story about absolutely nothing happening. This is our fourth movie featuring the legendary JCVD, and we don't know why. It's basically the same movie every time. Want the deets? Here they are! Strategic stump assault! Smuckity Huckerson! Spooky Cataracts! Top Heavy Boob Maneuvers! Rob's pizza ruins the show! Jim West Boot Knives...

You guys! We know you probably think that we're making a bold assertion that 1:36:22 of 3 guys bitching about Battleship has more entertainment value than the 2:11:00 runtime of the movie itself, but we assure you we know what we're talking about. What a festering shit-box of a movie. Where do we start? Botched burrito burgling! Cyborg strutting! Cops leaving paraplegics to die! Top Gun soccer kno...

Today's episode is brought to you by not actually being a real episode. Our beloved co-host, Bob, has gone missing, and last we heard  from him, he was speaking in code through a balled up sock and kazoo from a pay phone in Montreal. We're going to record the real episode on "Battleship," tomorrow night once we reconvene, but we didn't want you, our beloved audience, to miss out on your Wednesday...

The boys go back to school with 1998's The Faculty. You know, that movie that got a bunch of grunge artists on their fall from grace to botch a Pink Floyd song for the soundtrack. There's so much to talk about, so let's get right to it. Body-snatchers rules! Flogging the Bishop! Lost tits in the locker room! Double pussy puke! Teacher's lounge water whipping! Diuretic space cocaine! Underbelly der...

The boys are back in town, but unfortunately so is John Gotti. We crawled through every single inch of marble-mouthed dialogue... fuck, even the guy who writes captions for TUBI quit his job forever and has not been seen since. Let's get right into it! Badfellas! Hairpiece philanthropy! Junior Gotti's secret youth elixir! Spousal abuse! Cop hat takesey backsies! Proper penis assessment, and much,...

More like "Vantage Disappoint," amiright? Wow. Just wow. No further introductions, here we go: Spanish Rambo! Ice cream cone kerfuffles! Double-mint Democracy! Trouble on camera three! Rob's son shits himself! Forest Whitaker's insatiable lust for danger! Electoral dysfunction, and much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Brought to you by Milton Bradley's new strategi...

The gang slips into their avatars and gets bent on M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender... a movie so bad, that not even Bruce Willis' ghost can save it from itself. Element bending! Too much diet coke! M. Night Shyamalan's shadow war with the Catholic Church! Frozen water balls! Celibate fire breathers! Unprompted, nonchalant, and effortless elder sacrifice! Whispered exposition, and much, muc...

“End of Watch?” More like “total dogshit,” amiright? Liberace strikeouts! Befuddled Blair Witch buffoonery! Fuck tally burnouts! Big evil dunk jumps! Candid camera camaraderie! Jarhead Jake’s droopy face, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!!! Omg

The gang brushes up on their jive talk, and straps in for this season's good movie palate cleanse! Mayo Clinic Mishaps! Suicidal exposition! Straight faced tomfoolery! Back-stabbing on the dance floor! Autopilot blowjobs! Unnecessary amounts of Van Halen! Surely Temples, and much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! 

The gang splits logs and flips phone-booths with Commando this week! Chris does intense muscle analysis, Bob fools everybody with "fact or no fact," and Rob complains about his debit card not working or some stupid shit. So much to get into, so let's get into it shall we? Recurring pipe logic! Lawn care homicide! Shiny mullets! Dump truck assassins! Brown sugar face! Putting the shed in machete! P...

Wrap up your shins, and get ready for some good ole fashioned tree kicking as the gang talks about 1989's Kickboxer! The action! The revenge! The romance! So, so much to talk about, so let's get right on to it. Doggy Daggers! Eric's wheelchair ejections, of which there are multiple! Maxed out scrotal sacks! Seductive dance fights! Cobra head quiche! Rob hates Rory Gilmore, but can't articulate it....

This week, we talk about a movie that double drags onnnnnn, amiright? Eek gad, golly gee willikers, what a boner of a film. We don't even want to do a write-up it's so bad. Here we go. Nitro powered Cheeze Wiz! Tunnel crawling butt invasions! Spinach funnels! Medallions that don't work! Inexplicable jet-ski adventures! Organized Anarchists! Shitcoins that fail to launch! Sudden Brooklyn accents! D...

The gang giggles and sleuths, and bimble and boof as they tip their hats to this adaptation of the great Dr. Seuss. We're talking The Cat in the Hat, a film so bad that there was legal intervention to make sure another adaption of this kind was never made again. Popcorn knee pads! Sanitary supervisors! Nocturnal emissions! Dirty hoes! Shit cars! No lessons! No rhymes! No respect for our time! Slow...

A wise man from the YouTube comments once said, "Cliffhanger hanging from a cliff and that’s why he’s called cliffhanger." He's not wrong. Psychotic snowman shenanigans! Bunny chasing tracker logistics! Sweater swapping semantics! Bats for no good reason! Radical dudes catching some gnar gnar (read: bullets in their faces)! Horse combing schedule kerfuffles! Cliffhanger! Hanging from a cliff! And...

It's a full house this week as Jay (@dusty_penguin_112) joins the gang to go, go, gadget review this fucking pile of shit. This episode runs a little long, but it's jam packed with witty dialogue, comedic timing, excellent pacing, and ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN A 90 million dollar MOVIE THAT DO NOT HAPPEN IN INSPECTOR GADGET. Maybe Matthew Broderick was in on the scam a la...

Spawny, Spawny, he's our man, if he can't do it... well, anybody with $40,000,000 and a thesaurus turned to the "poop" page can. Seriously, if you just dropped your pants and took a dump into a film canister, you'll probably have a better movie. At least flies scrambling to get a last meal is somewhat compelling compared to this steaming pile. The gang unpacks a lot here, but they mainly focus on...

We kick off season 5 with an announcement! Chris and Rob welcome Bob (think_in_movie_scenes) onto the show as a full time shitty movie analyst. This show is too big for two hosts to handle. 2 backs cannot carry the weight of all this terrible cinema week after week. That being said, the gang tries to "mess with the best, and die like the rest" as they unpack "Hackers," from the product placement t...

What do you call it when Batman sneaks out of Church? A Christian Bale! We know, we know... The Dark Knight? On The Worst Movie Ever Made? Well in case you're just tuning in (earth to you, hellooooooooo!?), we watch a good movie at the end of every season to cleanse our palate. Listen, Chris knows his shit when it comes to movies, and Rob literally only watches cartoons, so in order to stay object...