The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week we’re taking a break between seasons in order to recalibrate our machines. That’s right, we’re SHUTTING IT DOWN! Bar Rescue style. Rob’s in Florida, shouting from his Ford Escape and Chris is practicing his butt funnel maneuvers as the two Taffer Blast ™ their way through one of the series’ most iconic episodes, “Rock ‘n’ Roaches,” about a bar known as Head Hunters that hosts bands that...

Hey, Pachuco! We’re closing out season 28 with 1994’s The Mask . It holds up, just don’t watch the Jamie Kennedy one, which we covered ages ago as a regular episode. Now, like Napoleon, we’ll divide and conquer!  SOMEBODY STOP US!!!  Empathetic everyman from Edge City empowered and ensconced with egregious energy, enhancing every interaction, eccentrically enamoured with evil entrepreneur’s enchan...

This week, we get into 1994’s The Cowboy way , where the toughest guy they could find for the antagonist was Dylan McDermott. Don’t worry, though, because one of the good True Detectives and Jack Bauer are on the case, and they’re … kinda pissed?  Let’s round ‘em up! Perturbed Pepper, portrayed by perennially pompous patsy, patrols the polis with police and peckish partner per poncho’s prepared pl...

This week, we take a bite out of 1994’s Tammy and the T-Rex , Paul Walker’s finest hour. This one’s confusing, but never not amusing. So grab your buddies balls with a firm grip, and let’s get right to it! REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  Rambunctious Rex gets randy with really ‘rousing Richards, rightfully ravages reprehensible rabble rousers, ruminates on reality, rampages and riots without raping, and reacts...

This week, we get into 2002’s The Hot Chick , starring Rob Schneider. He’s afraid to pee his pretty pink little panties, but don’t worry, he’ll lead you to believe that they’re his girlfriend’s panties, because everybody pees in their girlfriend’s panties. We hear you can put your weed in there too.  What a fucking tragedy of a movie, but we’d be lying if we didn’t laugh at a few things.  Flabberg...

This week, we revisit 1993’s Demolition Man , a movie that we did years ago, and are revisiting again for some reason. We’ve both seen this movie a hundred times, and will probably watch it a hundred more times, and the jury’s still out on whether this one is “bad” or not. Misunderstood satire? Youbetcha. Hunka Chunka with Sandra Bullock? Pass me the Baja Blast, and let’s get frisky, San Angeles s...

Blow it out your ass, goofball, because we’re getting into 1990’s Alienator! It’s Fred Olen Ray, so you get what you get, and don’t get upset! Let’s gooooo! Penal planet prisoner pounces on parole, perturbing preternatural Predator ‘personator, who pounces on party pack, petty police, and ‘pugnant poachers, punishing by preying, pounding, pummeling, and pacing the precinct, paying off as parody pa...

This week we get into 1989’s Gleaming the Cube . Christian Slater. Tony Hawk. Rodney Mullen pulling stunt duty. Pizza hut. Murder. Skating. Espionage? What the fuck is a cube gleam? There’s so much to talk about, so let’s get right on to it, shall we?  Rambunctious rapscallions ripping the road with reckless rage, rampantly remediating ‘rruption and ripping like renegades while ramping for revenge...

This week, we’ve got our engines revving for 1979’s Gas Pump Girls . It’s not what it sounds like. It’s actually about a bunch of girls who work at a gas station. Make sure you bust out your Titscope™ for this one, because there’s like 17 boobs in this movie that are prime oggle fodder. We’re gentlemen, though, so we’re really not into that. But if you are, email Rob or Chris for all the appropria...

This week we get into 2003’s The Core , which is basically a too-little-too-late Armageddon but instead of blowing up a giant asteroid to save Earth, they must blow up … Earth, to save Earth? The kid from Road Trip loves Xena and Hot Pockets, and knows how to get you free long distance calls for life with a Nokia brick and a gum wrapper. What a total fucking shit show.  Anyhow, here’s some alliter...

This week, we cover Mel Gibson’s On the Line, one of the movies that’s designed to piss you off. If you want to get got by the most insane plot you can think of, then all you have to do is watch this one. Oh boy … say what you want about Mel Gibson; that son of a bitch knows story structure.  Here we go!  Mean muggin’ Mel mumbles and meanders, while menacing man murmurs of murder, making midnight...

Read the title! Chris and Rob talk shit. It's fun. www.theworstmovieevermade.com

It’s good movie week, and after suffering through Little Fockers , we figured we’d revisit the OG, which we both remember fondly: 2000’s Meet the Parents . It’s the perfect comedy of errors that you, as a teenager, could watch with your girlfriend in the company of your boomer parents. It’s a solid, PG-13 rom-com that pushes right toward the edge and overall a solid movie.  Does Meet the Parents h...

This week, we get into Cosmic Sin ; a film starring Bruce Willis that makes us feel really, really bad. He was sick when they worked on this, and we’re sick for trying to critique it. Funny enough, Bruce Willis is the best part of this film, which is a really nice way of saying that Frank Grillo sucks ass!  Seriously, Grill-o needs to chill, bro!  Bruce in budget blockbuster, brandishing blasters,...

This week, we’re unpacking the insanity that is Blank Check , a movie that’s somehow even weirder than its reputation suggests. Yes, we’ll get to the grown woman kissing an 11-year-old boy, because that’s every bit as baffling as you’ve heard. But that’s honestly the least surprising thing about a movie where fraud is rewarded, money solves everything, and everybody involved seems to be making the...

This week, we’re all about unpacking 2010’s Little Fockers! The first one was good. The second one was just as good. The third one? Does anybody even remember watching this one? Well, those who did watch it HATE IT, and for good reason.  This movie cost $100 million to make, and it’s 97 minutes long. That’s over a million dollars a minute, and there wasn’t even a gazebo fire.  Gaylord Greg gets go...

This week, we get into 2009’s Dragonball Evolution. I don’t watch any anime, and don’t even know what a Dragon Ball is. This movie is trash though. I know nothing about the lore, and was deeply upset. I could only imagine what it must have felt like to be that invested in a franchise, only for the dim-witted cum baby of Jessie Pinkman and the “Dude, You’re Getting a Dell” guy to be the reluctant h...

Ohhhh boy, Rob won the poll last week, which can only mean one thing: FUTURE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKER! This is a movie about David Carradine wearing a Nintendo Power Glove and being a fascist, while Bargain-Bin Snake Plissken runs amok in the background.  I honestly don’t know who we’re supposed to root for here!  Carradine crushes criminals, cries cacophonously, carelessly creeps with cripple communic...

This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman . Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner.  Say it louder for th...

This week, we get into 2009’s Splice , a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess!  Let’s go!  Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First...

This week, we return with The Mummy Returns! Chris hates it. Rob kind of loves its PS2 looking ass graphics. We’ve only done “bad” Brendan Fraser films at this point. Maybe we’ll end the season on a positive note with Airheads or something. Who knows? It don’t matter.  None of this matters.  Ancient Anubis artifact antagonizes archeologists, always awaiting, awfully archaic, also arachnids! Scorpi...

This week, we kick off SEASON 27 with our favorite sentient gasbag, Steven Seagal. Attack Force came out at the height of his direct-to-video downfall, and boy does this one stink! Who would have thought that the guy who brought us On Deadly Ground could fall so far from grace.  Wshhhshhshhhshh!!! Seagal, supple and sauntering, unsubtly switches speak, swinging sharp slicers, sucking up scenery, u...

"WARRIORSSSS! COME OUT TO PLAYEEYYYEHHHH!" Good movie week, we really need it after this dungpile of a season! Wailing whippersnappers, The Warriors, wreck, rampage, and wander, worse for wear, waiting for war! Crime messiah killed by pariah! Vibe check 5000! DJ’s “Feed me, Seymour” mouth!” Baseball furies! Spending money to wet the set! Mercy’s nipples! 30 Orphans line up for war! Radio...

War of the worlds! Not the H.G. Wells novel! Not the Spielberg one! Nope. ICE CUBE, MOTHERFUCKER! This was a gnarly experience. We complained about it so much that our episode is longer than the actual movie. Chew on that, Jeff Bezos, you bald-headed fuck!  “Ohhhhh my godddddd.” -Ice Cube, Probably.  Alien annihilation, amazon advertisements, awesome! Techno tendrils whipping out all sexy like? Fa...

This week, we bust our Chuck cherries on air with 1985’s Invasion U.S.A. Terrorists don’t get killed by Chuck Norris. They kill themselves when they know that Chuck Norris is coming for them! Russians are the big bad, just like in real life today!  USA! USA! USA! Naughty, nut-knocking nemesis napalms Norris’ nest, Norris nullifies with knuckle sandwiches, nasty nomadic NORAD network, and never not...