The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week, we’re unpacking the insanity that is Blank Check , a movie that’s somehow even weirder than its reputation suggests. Yes, we’ll get to the grown woman kissing an 11-year-old boy, because that’s every bit as baffling as you’ve heard. But that’s honestly the least surprising thing about a movie where fraud is rewarded, money solves everything, and everybody involved seems to be making the...

This week, we’re all about unpacking 2010’s Little Fockers! The first one was good. The second one was just as good. The third one? Does anybody even remember watching this one? Well, those who did watch it HATE IT, and for good reason.  This movie cost $100 million to make, and it’s 97 minutes long. That’s over a million dollars a minute, and there wasn’t even a gazebo fire.  Gaylord Greg gets go...

This week, we get into 2009’s Dragonball Evolution. I don’t watch any anime, and don’t even know what a Dragon Ball is. This movie is trash though. I know nothing about the lore, and was deeply upset. I could only imagine what it must have felt like to be that invested in a franchise, only for the dim-witted cum baby of Jessie Pinkman and the “Dude, You’re Getting a Dell” guy to be the reluctant h...

Ohhhh boy, Rob won the poll last week, which can only mean one thing: FUTURE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKER! This is a movie about David Carradine wearing a Nintendo Power Glove and being a fascist, while Bargain-Bin Snake Plissken runs amok in the background.  I honestly don’t know who we’re supposed to root for here!  Carradine crushes criminals, cries cacophonously, carelessly creeps with cripple communic...

This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman . Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner.  Say it louder for th...

This week, we get into 2009’s Splice , a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess!  Let’s go!  Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First...

This week, we return with The Mummy Returns! Chris hates it. Rob kind of loves its PS2 looking ass graphics. We’ve only done “bad” Brendan Fraser films at this point. Maybe we’ll end the season on a positive note with Airheads or something. Who knows? It don’t matter.  None of this matters.  Ancient Anubis artifact antagonizes archeologists, always awaiting, awfully archaic, also arachnids! Scorpi...

This week, we kick off SEASON 27 with our favorite sentient gasbag, Steven Seagal. Attack Force came out at the height of his direct-to-video downfall, and boy does this one stink! Who would have thought that the guy who brought us On Deadly Ground could fall so far from grace.  Wshhhshhshhhshh!!! Seagal, supple and sauntering, unsubtly switches speak, swinging sharp slicers, sucking up scenery, u...

"WARRIORSSSS! COME OUT TO PLAYEEYYYEHHHH!" Good movie week, we really need it after this dungpile of a season! Wailing whippersnappers, The Warriors, wreck, rampage, and wander, worse for wear, waiting for war! Crime messiah killed by pariah! Vibe check 5000! DJ’s “Feed me, Seymour” mouth!” Baseball furies! Spending money to wet the set! Mercy’s nipples! 30 Orphans line up for war! Radio...

War of the worlds! Not the H.G. Wells novel! Not the Spielberg one! Nope. ICE CUBE, MOTHERFUCKER! This was a gnarly experience. We complained about it so much that our episode is longer than the actual movie. Chew on that, Jeff Bezos, you bald-headed fuck!  “Ohhhhh my godddddd.” -Ice Cube, Probably.  Alien annihilation, amazon advertisements, awesome! Techno tendrils whipping out all sexy like? Fa...

This week, we bust our Chuck cherries on air with 1985’s Invasion U.S.A. Terrorists don’t get killed by Chuck Norris. They kill themselves when they know that Chuck Norris is coming for them! Russians are the big bad, just like in real life today!  USA! USA! USA! Naughty, nut-knocking nemesis napalms Norris’ nest, Norris nullifies with knuckle sandwiches, nasty nomadic NORAD network, and never not...

This week, we unpack Showdown in Little Tokyo ; Brandon Lee’s other perfect masterpiece. Is this truly a bad movie, or was it simply way before its time? Come join us and find out whether this one is passable, or one of the worst movies ever made!  Hyeuhhh! Crow cop and Chris Kenner kick yakuza killers with kraw and krueahhhghhhh and kruhhhh! Uneven distribution of evil! Kenner is kinda cardboard!...

This week, we’re getting into 2002’s D-Tox , or as you may also know it, Eye See You . It’s a Stallone slasher! Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you. Adriannnnn!!!  Sad Sly sucking spirits, sent to s’perimental safehouse seeking salvation, s’periencing slasher stuff, and ‘scapin unscathed! Whispering distance! Boozers in blue! The angry black captain trope! Cop killer continuation at the concrete...

This week, we’re going to get into 1992’s Split Second . We feel like this movie has to follow its own set of rules. Is it low-budget? You betcha. Does it have more cheese than an unwashed belly-button? Absolutely. Is it great? Hell fucking yes! This movie has a lot of problems, but it’s from a bygone era where the VHS ruled the landscape, and this is a perfect late-night watch despite its shortco...

Don’t be fooled this week because it’s actually a bad movie week. According to Rotten Tomatoes anyway. This week, we’re going to talk about From Paris with Love , which has a punishing 37% approval rating on the review aggregator. Here’s the thing though: The critics don’t know dick about shit! This movie rules, and it’s the best. Science is on our side, and while it’s not a good movie, season fin...

This week we got into BloodRayne. It’s a movie set in 18th century Romania but has Panera Bread signage on its storefronts. Best to just strap in for this one!  Vampire vixen vows to avenge voraciously, vicariously vamping with vulva velocity, and then a bunch of stuff happens after it’s narrated for you in great detail! Accents and apathy! Prison cart pendants! Vladimir’s vigilante rasp! Rosemary...

This week, we talk about TC… TC… shit what is it called? TC 2000! Sorry, I was drawing a Blanks. A Billy Blanks! No, wait. That doesn’t work either. Anyhow, it’s a B-movie from 1993 that kinda sorta rips off RoboCop, but has a villain named Niki Picasso. This one’s a real dumper.  Billy, Bobbi, and Bolo beat down Bigalow, Blade and Blaster, breathing breath into the battleground beneath them! Dial...

This week, we become full-fledged Breeniacs with Neil Breen's 2016 triumph, Pass Thru . Ominous red dots! Beans littering the landscape! Sleeping on garbage piles! Plot pounders!  Let’s goooooo! Breen begets bloated and bizarre blueprint buffooning the bedlam of bribery, bureaucracy and billionaires! A tiger and two clocks! Spirit Neil and his cave paintings! People piles at gunpoint! The ‘ole...

This week is a good movie week, so we’re going to spend some time with 1999’s Bowfinger. They got Jamie Kennedy for this one (that’s a deep pull, hit up our back catalog). Also, Bob is back after his wiener transplant, so please be gentle, as he’s been through a lot.  Here we go!!! Bobby bowfinger bamboozles buds to be buffooned behind a bigshot badass blockbuster boss, but bluffing because of bud...

This week, we cast our stones at 2001’s The Glass House , a movie about a family with the last name Glass, who literally live inside of a glass house. SYMBOLISM!!! WOW! In this psychological mystery thriller, there is no mystery and there are no thrills. The only thrill I got was when I unsuccessfully attempted to drown myself after watching it. What a turd of a movie.  GLASS HOUSE! WHITE FERRARI!...

This week we get into 2007’s Bee Movie , because it’s time to bee like that. Get it? Bee? Hahahahahahahah! Good one! Well, we guess seeing is BEE-lieving! This is basically the whole episode. Bee puns. It’s really bad, but our show is really good. If you’re already here, you know this though.  Jerry jams his jowls jauntily and jovially while ginning up jokes and japes! A woman boning a bee! Intimi...

This week we get into Jiu Jitsu, a Nicolas Cage movie about what would happen if a movie studio spent $25 million on what they thought was a captivating cross between Predator and Power Rangers , with just a sprinkle of Mortal Kombat , all combined to rake in less than $100k at the box office. Stunt choreography is pretty cool though.  Let’s fuckin’ gooooo! Amnesiac army agent allows for asteroid...

This week, Chris and Rob engorge themselves with rage as they unpack 2003’s Hulk. That’s right, long before the MCU, we had to watch this pile of MC-Poo. Iron Man was only a glimmer in Jon Favreau’s eye, and he hadn’t yet mustered the courage to bust a nut on Kathleen Kennedy’s impatiently throbbing bosom, Edward Norton was working on The Italian Job or something, and the world hadn’t totally gone...

This week, we’re doing a little redux in the form of 1987’s Over The Top . The reason we’re doing this episode a second time is because it’s a double elimination. That’s right, you have to do it twice for it to count. Stallone’s got the balls, and his son’s got a big ass pussy that needs to be whipped into shape if he’s ever going to grow up to be a proper man. How do you become a proper man, you...

This week, we bring in the new year with 1993’s Champagne and Bullets . A movie that shows its namesake with the sheer amount of champagne and bullets it presents to you, the viewer. This is classic Worst Movie Ever Made territory… think The Room , Miami Connection , Samurai Cop , Birdemic , and Neil Breen. It’s not “so bad it’s good,” it’s “so awful it’s amazing.” Seriously, Champagne and Bullets...