The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week, we get into Home Sweet Home Alone … SIXTH HOME ALONE MOVIE!!! Yes, there’s six of them. This one stars Fat Harry Potter, and a bunch of reliably adequate comedians who make sucking on a tailpipe seem like the best way to celebrate Christmas becuase they're working with the worst screenplay ever penned to paper. This one’s a punisher, so buckle up…  McAllister mayhem? Mauling marv? M...

This week we get into the holiday spirit by watching Santa With Muscles . It’s about Santa. With Muscles! Anything outside of that, we’re not so sure. This is our third movie on the pod to feature Hulk Hogan, but the first one that doesn't show him ripping a car door straight off its hinges.  Maybe the car doors were the friends we made along the way …  Hardly a Hollywood holiday hit has Hulk...

This week, we get into Pregnant by the Pastor: The Aftermath , and we’re not sure if it’s a sequel or the first installment because even Tubi doesn’t know. We don’t even know what this movie is about, who it’s for, or what its many layers of dense symbolism even mean.  Oh boy, here we go ... Various vixens with vague values, valor or virtue vie for Vicar's viscosity void of virginity, vestment...

This week, we get into 1996’s Primal Fear , Edward Norton’s debut role, and Richard Gere’s best performance. It’s like that 2010 movie, Stone, but without the cornrows. We’re celebrating a good movie week before we get lost in the sauce again, so let’s take a deep breath, and talk about one of the best legal thrillers of the 90s. Ready? Set! Go!!! Martin motions that murderous minstrel mister has...

This week, we get into Nicolas Cage’s The Surfer. Shoutout to Jeff for emailing us the suggestion. We all love Nicolas Cage more than life itself, so it’s only fitting we revisit the legend after doing Prisoners of the Ghostland two weeks ago. CAGE FOR DAYYYYS!  Little production note for y’all: Rob has a new supercomputer, and for some reason his keyboard is louder than god, and apparently his of...

Heyyyyy, no video feed this week guys. We had an unspeakable amount of behind-the-scenes issues that were unfortunately not able to be rectified. Thanks Norbit ... you broke us. We may never recover. Here we go! Unfunny, fake, flabby female flogs, flips, and feuds with four-eyed fellow and his frail framed female friend! Can you cut off a butthole? Blasian Face, and much, much more on this week&#3...

This week, you better hold onto your TESTICLLLEEEEEES because we’re getting into 2021’s Prisoners of the Ghost Land, starring our one true God, Nicolas Cage. What’s the movie about, you ask? Your guess is as good as ours, but it’s like if Mad Max was Snake Plissken, but also Nicolas Cage in a sci-fi horror Western saga. It’s that good.  HI-FUCKING-YAHHHHH! Treacherous tale told, targeting a tyrant...

This week, we get into 1980’s Alligator; a movie that is way better than we thought it would be, but feel compelled to roast anyway given the nature of this podcast. You should watch it. It’s on Tubi for free. It’s great. Sometimes it’s not. But it mostly is.  Aight, let’s go.  Gator guts guys who are getting rid of golden doodles in the garbage, gores goons in the gutter, glances at a gal, and go...

This week, we get into Half Past Dead, or as we like to call it: Halfway to straight-to-DVD for the remainder of Steven Seagal’s career! Alcatraz! Ja Rule! Gold Heists! Cars! Guns! Russians! OH MY GOD WE’RE ALREADY YELLING SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET INTO IT! Here we go, cuh.  Squishy Steven is stuck in a cell, in the stockade, since stripping stolen sedans is still a sin! Segal’s disruptive force! Br...

This week we get into 80s historical fiction, Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Not too much fun though, they don’t even say “wanna,” which would come off as a little more informal and a lot more up for anything. Champagne wishes and leotard dreams coming right up for yerrrrrr!  Here we go.  Giddy, godly, go go girls grind with guys, grappling with a groovy gyration game, giving gramps the gloomy gus g...

This week, we answer Slow Drip’s request, and take on Hobgoblins! Rob has technical difficulties and melts down! Chris makes an “impastable” assertion! Bob stumps us with Fact or No Fact! This is one for the ages. Let’s go! A garish & grimy Gremlins grift has got growling goblinoids grabbing a geeky goober, his grimacing girlfriend, a goony gabagool guzzler, his go-to good-time go-go girl and...

Here's the mail, it never fails, except when Dustyn suggests Teen Witch, upon which we'll rail! Saddle up, fuckers! It's time to get witchy! Teenage trick teaser taken with a twenty something turns tempered terrain into twenties, a tot into a terrier, a toad into a tonic, and a teacher into a topless trouser twirler! The Paranormal Porkies that could have been! Fudge brother diary smud...

This week, we continue to dig deep into our mailbag with Kayla's suggestion, Jupiter Ascending... or as we like to call it, “Stupider Unending.” This was really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Like super bad. Not like the movie, Superbad, which is actually kinda good, but like actually super, duper bad. What have we done? Jupiter Jones joins a journey jonesing for genetic justice,...

This week, we get into Freddy Got Fingered; a film that Rob gives too much credit while Chris and Bob wish death on him. We’re kicking off our 24th season: new(ish format), new bumpers, and, most importantly, we’re digging into the mailbag. Big shoutout to Midge from Glasgow, Scotland for this request. We’re worse off for it, and for that we thank you! Let's just go ahead and fuck this duck, s...

Good movie week. Alien! Starring the only person on Earth named Sigourney. What a flick! What a legacy! Too bad all the other ones mark a slow decline. We hear the new series is great though. But this is a movie podcast, and we only talk about those things as we dissect them with our state-of-the-art equipment.  This one’s great though!  Ridley renders a rival ‘restrial, who raids and rumbles rele...

This week, we close out our sequel season with The Crow: Wicked Prayer , starring John Connor cosplaying as Harry Potter cosplaying as Robert Smith if he were a Native American … or something. Rob watched every single crow sequel and reboot in preparation for this episode, and for the sole purpose of defending one of the best revenge thrillers of all time. We once covered the OG Crow movie during...

This week, we get into Universal Soldier: The Return, which is really the fourth film in the series, but a direct sequel to the first one. Rob and Chris think it’s an improvement from the first installment, but Bob begs to differ. As long as JCVD hits his contractually obligated slow-mo roundhouse kick quota, all is right with the world.  Here we go!  Seth surmises scientific sabotage, so surprise...

Environmental romantic thriller horror time as we dive into Birdemic 2: The Resurrection!  REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Giant Jumbo Jellyfish jabs Jezebel just as Generic Joes and Josephines join to jab and jeopardize jay-like jumbo-jet sized jackdaws! Tit-scope triplets get totaled! Abhorrent audio and acting! Crows kill cavemen mid CaveHub(™) climax! Rod's rotten cod kills a kid! Rope-along Miata...

You knew you’d eventually see us cover Ernest Goes to Africa, and the day of reckoning is upon us! Surprisingly, this ISN’T the most problematic movie we’ve covered on the pod, but it’s definitely up there. However! Jim Varney was such an all around good guy and wholesome figure, we’re kinda willing to give him a pass on this one.  Know what we mean, Vern?  Yucky yokel yanks a yoke to yield a yo y...

This week, we continue our sequel season with Tooth Fairy 2; a direct-to-video clusterfuck of recycled jokes that nobody asked for. This is truly the turd of the ages. We’d hardly call it a movie, but it clocks in at about 90 minutes and attempts to tell a story, so here we are.  Let’s Get ‘Er Doneeeeeee! Repugnant redneck raids rugrats rooms for roots, remitting rewards, and ruining a romantic re...

This week, we slither our way through our sequel season with Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; a movie that so aggressively undermines its own premise within the first five minutes of run time that it's actually impressive. We don’t know how we ended up here, and we’re certainly not happy about it. Let’s yell it out now!  Pharma finds flowers for furthering folk’s function, forcing fri...

This week, we chug along the tracks at breakneck speeds in the company of Mr. Boom Boom Chubby Choo Choo as we take a look at Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; the locomotive sequel of a nautical Die Hard ripoff. For pure entertainment value, and the villains alone, this is worth watching. Steven Seagal’s performance, on the other hand, meh… Let’s get into it, shall we!  Tall and tubby trooper takes...

This week, we get into Jaws: The Revenge ; a film that does in the impossible by using slasher tropes with a fucking shark. We were waiting for the scene when the girl gets the phone call asking her what her favorite scary movie is, but only before a soaking wet apex predator comes barreling out of the closet wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete. Sadly, that would have been a better beat th...

Get ready to have your Sandler Slot ™ rattled, because it’s time to talk about a pickle-eating shoe man in the form of The Cobbler! The Cobbler? More like The SANDLE-er. Adam Sandler! 23 seasons in, and we’re still somehow alive.  Also… big shoutout to Slowdrip for suggesting that we watch this one. We’re all worse off for it, so thank you for knowing how to play the game.  Alliterations!  Shoe sh...

This week, we get into Goodfellas for some coke blowing, titty slapping, Pesci whacking fun. Good movie week? Great movie week! We all love this one, but there is one GLARING problem in the opening act that will make you reconsider some things... or WILL they? Who are we to say? We’re just a few guys asking questions.  Here we go! Gangster goings on and gangs grifting goods, gaining growing gangst...