The Worst Movie Ever Made

Imagine this scenario: A new Neil Breen joint drops, and you beg your mom to take you, and she tells you, “We have Neil Breen at home,” before firing up A Talking Cat?! on streaming. That’s exactly what this movie is. But for some reason it’s not without charm; come for the talking cat, but maybe stick around for a while, throw your feet up on the ottoman while you’re working on coding, and wolf d...

Boy, oh boy… this week, we get into Timecut, A.K.A. Rob’s “Rosebud.” This sci-fi slasher is a turd of the highest order, rife with time-travel inspired junk science, the worst kind of nostalgia baiting, and frequent trips to Olive Garden to let audiences know that Olive Garden is, in fact, a real restaurant that you can help shareholders earn money with if you get the chicken alfredo and cheesecak...

Hold up… it’s still bad movie week isn’t it? Then why in the name of John Woo’s BUTTHOLE are we buring 90 minutes of sweet, sweet podcast runtime talking about Face/Off? 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, Chris. What the hell?! There's a lot to talk about because this movie is an insane time capsule that perfectly articulates the height of ‘90s action movie excess. It’s illogical, but who cares? It’s overact...

Last season, “Life On the Line” won the title of Worst Movie ™, and it’s thanks to the star-studded collaboration between John Travolta and Devon Sawa working as linemen (LINEMEN!). This season, we bring Fred Durst into the mix (again, kinda) with The Fanatic; also starring John Travolta and Devon Sawa but they hardly do any line work at all!  Let’s fucking gooooo!  A fan of a famous film fellow a...

This week we talk about John Carter! The movie that didn’t have Jared Leto but so desperately wanted to (it would have sucked anyway). It seems like a copycat movie, but that’s an anachronistic take once we get into the nitty gritty, so let’s do it!  Yelling!  Giants, Deja, and Jeddaks join John on a Jihad, journeying to a juggernaut of jousting javelins, just so Johnny can jangle his jewel! Alien...

Paul Bart: Mall Cop! Wow, what a movie!  Here we go.  Fat fella flunks a field test final, forcing the flabby fatso to fend off foes at a food court, flingin the fleshy full-figured fucker, fracturing fixtures and frontage. Preeminent pipe logic problems! Boomer humor for the lazy consumer! Poking fun at single parent passed on by pudgy expat! Porky pranks for the entire picture! Sandler’s just-co...

This week, we take over the HOV lane with Carpool; the family comedy that wants so badly to be edgy, but ultimately fails because it’s trying to capture the minds and hearts of a younger audience. The end result is a movie that’s got really great pacing and sense of cause and effect, but has just a little too much Tom Arnold for comfort.  Here we go!  Clingy carny criminal cajacks and kidnaps kids...

This week, we take a bite out of Munchie; Gremlins' very own B-movie version of Mac and Me. This also marks our 200th episode. We celebrate by hitting rock bottom, and we plan to sink even lower in the coming weeks! Here we go!  Double Doms on the pod! A garbage Gremlins and Ghoulies grift where Gage gallavants with a geezer, a girl, and a greasy grotesque gargoyle, getting even with grungry g...

Baby Geniuses. We have nothing to say about this in the writeup aside from our yelling and alliterations. Total dogshit. What a bullshit way to start Season 22! Don’t watch this movie. Listen to this episode though, it rules!  Babies who are barely babies bewilder buffoon behaviorists, break out of the bio lab, only to break back in and bonk baby bashing bastards with a brawling baby bot. DeLuise’...

Good movie week, thank god! Though you could argue that last week’s Y2K episode was an honorary good movie week because Rob said so. Anyhow, this week we’re talking about Leon: The Professional. It’s sentimental. It’s action packed. And our titular character drinks SO. MUCH. MILK.  Time to yell: A hermit hitman who’s helpful and humble is hired by a hopeful half-pint to harm the hostile, heartless...

This week we take a look at Y2K, the poignant historical fiction of our time that accurately encapsulates the fallout of our first robot uprising. We know this is the end of our “bad movie” season before doing a good movie next week, but we (read: Rob) will argue in this movie’s favor for being such an explosive exploration of retro-futuristic tech, teen romance, and our lord and savior, Fred Durs...

This week, we put our lives on the line while reviewing Life on the Line; a movie about life on the line, where the line between the life off the line and the life off the line is constantly on the line… for life. That’s a really convoluted way to say a whole bunch of nothing, which is fitting for a movie of this caliber.  Yelling:  Linemen labor on the line living lives within a lethal landscape,...

This week, we get into Universal Soldier. Is it an action comedy, or a comedy with action? How long does it take for Jean-Claude Van Damme to expose his perfectly chiseled ass? Is this basically a Terminator knockoff?  Listen along as we unpack the above questions. Zombie Zealots zip, zigzag, and zero in on a zippy jezebel and another zombie at his zenith! Huey kablooey! Talent taping television p...

This week, we get into Unhinged, or as we like to call it, “Falling Brown”... like the Michael Douglas movie, but with “brown” meaning poop. They really thought they had something like this one with their whole “man is pushed too far” thing, but in order for that to work, the characters need to be written as likeable.  BUMMER! Rotund and reckless Russell road-rages ruthlessly rather than reflectin...

This week, we collectively yell “FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!” as we try to make sense of 1993’s Deadfall, prominently featuring the man, the myth, the legend, Nicolas Cage. Wow, what a movie.  Just watch it, it’s worth your time.  Cage can’t contain chaotic yet carefree characteristics while cunning cons continue conning competing cons! Craving columbian cocoa crop kibbles! Chuck Sheen! Deep fat frying you...

This week, the gang gets ready to rumbleeeeeeee with 2000’s Ready to Rumble, a total bag of dicks of a movie that you should never watch. But we watched it, so we need to break it down for you. Oliver Platt deserved better, and if he were dead he’d be spinning in his grave like a fucking pinwheel.  Here we go!  Relatively rotund and really raunchy wrestler regains resolve and receives award! Poo-p...

This week, we fire up the Breen Machine and explore I Am Here … Now– the best religious themed Sci-Fi action alien romance environmentally over toned thriller of its time. You’ve gotta listen to this one because the almighty Breen can do no wrong, until he does, but it still feels so, so right.  Back to Breen basics with braless biotech bimbos, boring business men, and a buff brother blasting bull...

Like the Saw movies? Well, you’re going to love 2007’s Steel Trap, which is like Saw, but instead of having to cut off your own foot, you have to record yourself eating your own shit, upload it to PornHub, and then gratify yourself to the footage of yourself eating your own shit while held at gunpoint. That being said … do you want to play a little game?  Here we go:  Drunk doopable dummies are de...

Adam Sandler! Going Overboard! His first movie ever! Streaming for free on Tubi, and you’ll still want a refund! This movie is really, really bad. Hard to be clever and/or poetic after watching something like this. Absolute bullshit experience all around. Welcome to Season 21 (or is it 24?). Unfunny funnyman fails at farce, fumbles with female fraternization, and fosters flare for foes with firear...

It’s the end of season 48, which means it’s time for an episode of THE BEST Movie Ever Made where the boys talk about Hereditary. We’re doing something a little different this week because Rob is underwhelmed, Bob is neutral, and Chris wants to be tea-bagged by Paimon and gargle all of his demonic goo because he loves this movie so much. Is Hereditary the pinnacle of “elevated horror,” or is it pa...

This week, we’ll be singing “VIVAAAAA LAS BIO-DOME!” because we’re talking about Bio-Dome. What a classic! What a great movie! What a masterpiece of cinema that Rob loves unironically while Bob and Chris try to figure out how to remove him from the podcast indefinitely as punishment for requesting that we review this one. Maybe they just don’t know how to free the weasel as masterfully as Rob does...

OHHHHHHHHH! ECKS GON GIVE IT TO YA! That’s Ecks vs Sever… as in Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever– the worst movie ever made according to Rotten Tomatoes. Seriously. 0% across 118 reviews. This movie makes no sense, and we make no sense trying to make sense of it.  What a mess! We’re sorry.  Confusing cluttered calamity with cop killers, cars, kidnapping, carnage, and countless kinds of chaotic crap! Chann...

This week we talk about Willy/Milly, also known as Something Special, also known as I Was a Teenage Boy; a problematic body-swapping film from the’80s that definitely exists for some reason-- even though the version streaming for free on The Roku Channel is clearly an upload from a copy, of a copy, of a copy of a VHS tape. We also welcome Dave/Schmave, Bob’s brother, to talk about the movie that h...

This week, we get into 1985’s Gymkata, a spectacle of martial arts, gymnastics, deadly games, tongueless women, men with fake faces on the back of their heads, and a healthy amount of men falling to their deaths with a satisfying splat.  This one’s not currently on streaming, but is worth the $4 if you were to indulge in on-demand viewing.  Okay, yelling:  Johnny the gymnast joins a jiu-jitsu jour...

This week, we get into Theodore Rex; a film about a cookie-loving dinosaur with a heart of gold who needs to save the world from a new ice age because his creator has fish DNA that can freeze stuff, starring Whoppi Goldberg. We wish that the previous sentence didn’t exist, but that’s the most succinct way to break this movie down. If you want to know how bad this movie is, we need to gently remind...