The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week, we talk about 1985's Malibu Express. Or as we like to call it, "Tits: The Movie." Melons and milk monsters and mammaries, oh my! Shane shamelessly shoots shower shenanigans after committing coitus with coerced consent! Blblblbl in the porn water! Penile puns! Finagling the fudge rudders! Eating furniture? Buffington buffoonery! Pulsating Playmates! Shielding from the sun w...

Season 18 kicks off with a bang... wait that's not well written. And neither is 1987's The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. A Topps Chewing Gum Production. Great to be back in the bad movie trenches, but we weren't prepared for this one. Crude creatures from collectible cards cause confusion! Keeping ugly kids in a garbage pail! Attempted murder/pipe logic combo from hell! Overworking the othe...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh man... Chris doesn't want to admit it, but he loves Grosse Pointe Blank. One of the best rom-coms ever crafted, starring John Cusack, Minnie Driver, Dan Aykroyd (Chris' personal favorite), and ... others. It's a thrill ride. Enemies become friends, and friends become enemies. POPCORN!!! let's do this. Hunky hitman hooks up with honey from high school for hi-jinks and...

This week, we get into a little slice of hell called The Glove (1979); a movie so terrible the critics didn't even bother. BUT!... Bob and Rob kind of secretly liked it (don't tell Chris). Prisoner pummels police with pernicious peripheral! Wanton destruction of police lieutenant’s property! Dropping daughter at daycare, driving off before she dips through the door! Not a noteworthy narrat...

Chris, Bob, and Rob finally hop on the bar and talk about Coyote Ugly... a film so bad that the podcast episode is almost as long as the damn movie itself. A brief write-up can't sum up everything that's wrong with this turd, so let's just get into this abomination the only way we know how! Displeasing dancers drop drinks on drunk dudes! Bar owner babe with bad business blueprint! Prac...

We (Rob) used to think that Nicolas Cage could do no wrong, but wow... get a load of this stinker! Left Behind. The rapture movie where everybody goes to heaven naked apparently. Cage creates Christian catastrophe! Little person POS PSA! Bitch breaking windows with bibles! The return of Wet Willy Whispers! The supersonic Skipper suffocating scared citizens! Muslim/Midget martial arts! Potato roll...

This week, we talk about Simon Sez... a buddy comedy starring Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. Can you guess which one tries having sex with a couch? Listen along to find out. A mandarin martial artist and a militia of mimes! Gagging a girl while grabbing her for good! High-speed grabbing and nabbing! Bikini babe B-roll! Wanton destruction of personal property! Hymen Pez? Sniffing on the Cosby Drops!...

What can we tell you about Xanadu that you don't already know. Nothing... because after watching this movie, and then talking about it for roughly 90 minutes, we're still not sure what happened. Rob had a button that played RUSH songs on his sound board, and he didn't get murdered by Chris and Bob, which is evidenced by him typing this diatribe. Xanadu, here we go: Skating specter sedu...

Did the gang mess up their calendar synchronization? Because Rob has good reason to believe that Dr. Giggles should have been dissected on good movie week! Hi, Rob breaking the fourth wall here. Chris and Bob hate me, and I've never been happier with myself. Let's get giggled! Jaded junior jams on jive jokes while jabbing and jolting Jennifer! Cardiac crimes including killing kids and co o...

We're not here to talk about the 2016 Jennifer Anniston romantic comedy that has an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. We're here to talk about the 1980 Charles Kaufman revenge thriller of the same name that surprisingly has a much higher score despite... lots of issues. You'll just have to tune in to find out exactly what those issues are. In the meantime, here's the rundown! Rapey rubes run around ruining r...

We finally found The Worst Movie Ever Made... holy shit! We'll keep doing the show though, but know that we're never gonna top this. Torgo touches torsos and triceps trying to tease a tryst! Dummy-thicc ricket knees! Obvious and off putting overdubbing! Telling teetering Torgo to take your travel bags! Fuck this family but fuck this feeble-minded father especially! Wily window-watching wiz...

Welcome to season 48 of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Time to talk about Jean-Claude Van Damme, one of our favorite podcast mainstays. This week, we talk about 1996's The Quest, which is about a guy who does stuff that's irrelevant, and then becomes heavyweight champ or something. Basic burglar befriends Bond before brawling with a bevy of bruisers but barely benefits! Making multiple movies...

*blows into conch shell* GOOD MOVIE WEEK! The Running Man... yeah! Felon friends flee and fight five frightening followers! Orwellian execution! Chainsaws to the cock! Fun prison break! Richard Dawson! Whitman, Price, and Haddad! Futuristic fake film editing! “I’ll be back” sandwiches! Quivering bloody sushi? Combat cold cuts, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever...

This week, we take a close look at Steven Seagal's Out for a Kill; a movie about how awesome Steven Seagal is, according to Steven Seagal. Let's get into it, shall we? Professor Pudgy parts with his partner prior to pouncing pill pushers! Fuzzy Tit-Scope (™)! Causing accidents by ambling through ancient artifacts! Wanton destruction of small business (again)! Monks versus mullet messing up...

We done finally did it and watched Plan 9 from Outer Space; a movie that makes absolutely no fucking sense. You need to just watch the movie, and then listen to this episode, and then watch the movie while listening to this episode in order to unpack all of the topics we cover, including, but not limited to: Rob’s early whore plugging! Deceased dudes and a dame decree death to dead land dwellers!...

This week, we keep true to our word and talk about Death Race 2000 after a listener told us to watch it (email us!). Can't say we hated it, but it's definitely high-level trash featuring a young, but still marble-mouthed Sly Stallone that's totally worth viewing. Careening killer cars cause commoners to kick the can! Nonsensical Neo-Nazism! Frankenstein’s giant jar of Cosby Drops™! Fla...

This week, we talk about The Dark Backward... a movie involving casual necrophilia, Bill Paxton playing an accordion, and standup comedy apparently. You're going to want to listen to this episode because as much as we hated this movie, it's hard not to laugh at the clips we conjured up. Extra extremities exciting an extroverted eccentric! Filth and moisture! Accordion playing opportunists!...

Hello! Our fearless leader, Chris, wasn't able to make it to the show tonight. Apparently he had better things to do like catalog his stamp collection, play with LEGOs, purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, attend an super exclusive ass party (his words, not ours), have a cake, kick off his DJ career, have an important foot bath, get a new pair of glasses, watch Donnie Darko, repair...

Time to talk about Time Cop. Do we follow Back to the Future Rules? Or do we follow Terminator rules? The answer is neither. We follow Jean-Claude rules, Van Dammit! Time traveling trooper tracks trouble makers! Not necessary nut shots! Blown out ball matter! Tell me he’s going to kill your family! Fucking with Fielding’s feelings! Total recall wife face angle comparisons! Suicide centric comedy b...

Ray Milland rears his ugly head once again as we attempt to dissect 1972’s Frogs, a movie that's almost exclusively about alligators and snakes apparently. Reptiles reap revenge on rich relatives! Fuck this frog in particular fling at the festivities! Play playing cards correctly, collect piece of Poppy’s pie! Grumpy Gramps gonna get group got! Director decides that doggy dies! Proud Elliot’s...

In 1976, Paul Schrader penned the screenplay for Taxi Driver, a film so important that it was considered "culturally, historically, or aesthetically" significant by the U.S. Library of Congress and was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry. In 2016, he directed Dog Eat Dog, which involves Nicolas Cage, Willem Dafoe, and Christopher Matthew Cook trying to steal a baby af...

We kick off season 38 of The Worst Movie Ever Made with The Thing With Two Heads... a screenplay that somehow landed a helicopter budget. Athletic African American anticipating amputation avenges accusation! Doing deliberate decapitation despite donor in the dark! Jack trying to mack with the doc in the sack! Needlepoint for men! Rick Baker side-struts! Full movie half-nelson! Dutch oven delegatio...

It's good movie week, so we're talking about Predator, which directly inspired that one episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Carl has a toilet bowl with an invisibility cloak that destroys his body, but only before he gets a new body made completely out of eyeballs! We've got nothing clever to say here, so we'll get right into the yelling. Arnold and almost Apollo annihilate adv...

We're wrapping up season 106 with R.I.P.D., a movie that has so much ham jammed into its third act that it's basically a fistful of mechanically separated pork. We've been doing this for a long time, guys, and we're tired. But next week we're going to watch Predator to cleanse our palates, so we won't run the car in the garage with the doors closed just yet! Ryan Reynolds’ reprehensible ripoff rem...

This week we finally took a look at the infamous Showgirls! Or as we like to call it, Whiplash with titties! Too many titties to TitScope (™)! Casually kicking cocks and causing chaos! Being a bitch to the babe that bought you burgers (and everyone else)! Crazy woman cusses wildly causing wimpy kids to wig out! Conjuring conflict by creating non-consensual coital climax completely clear of context...