The Save The Marriage Podcast

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now? Well, that would put you in good company!  I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few. What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed.  The separation or divorce is off the table.  The affair is over.  The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom.  For most, communi...

You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage.  I'm all about saving a marriage. But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved? No. First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage.  At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage.  There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change. Second, there...

It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions."  Emotions change.  Feelings shift.  And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time. Sure, you can feel an emotion.  But tell me what it is?  What it means?  Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes?  Or tomorrow? Let's be clear:  a hurting marriage is painful.  Conflict i...

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work...

Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes.  And a crisis for many marriages!  I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis.  I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that.  We see it every day. And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage.  If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mi...

Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful? That is often very normal. To a degree. It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time.  That is just what our brain does.  It tosses out “bait” of thou...

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly.  I make mistakes. Okay, I’ll admit it:  I DO know about you.  You make mistakes, too.  And how do I know?? We ALL make mistakes!  Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful.  And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressfu...

Hot and cold.  That is often what I hear people describe.  About their spouses.  One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving.  And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns.  Distance and dread return.  Are things going south?  Is this the time when things don’t turn around? And then… the pattern repeats again. It can through you off your efforts,...

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage.  And it seems to be working!  Things are improving.  The ice is melting.  Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there. And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend.  But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern.  If you ask too soon, d...

We all do it.  We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt. Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis.  For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife." I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcas...

We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are...

Roles. We all have them. We all play them. Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles." They try t...

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction.  Does it take days?  Weeks??  Years??? I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast. That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will.  But it often does happen. Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse,...

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track...

On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage.  Then, they tell me about the current crisis:  "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc." They want to solve the crisis.  And they think THAT is the problem! They would be wrong. What they are describing is a symptom.  Not the problem. If you try to s...

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response.  Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed.  Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame. But there is often very little change. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner a...

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages. Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling thr...

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy. But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well....

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship...

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved.  Yes, it is true.  Not every marriage WILL be saved.  I can't guarantee that. But I DO think there is a "reverse" guarantee.  If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive.  But guarantee that it WILL survive?  I can't do that. Wh...

I'll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment.  It is when your spouse says, "I don't love you" or that variation, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you."  Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial).  Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse's life that makes you question everything.  Or when your spouse announces the nee...

You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis.  Then, you find yourself exhausted.  You can’t find your focus.  You wonder if you even care.  The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness. Sound familiar? That would be Crisis Fatigue.  It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly.  When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe ev...

For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough.  I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle.  Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain. Does romance just die with “I do”?  Some people seem to think so.  For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is...

I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!" They didn’t much seem to believe me.  They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing.  Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.”  I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appear...

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although...