The Save The Marriage Podcast

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success. But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is someh...

Discouraged? You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction.  You move a little ahead, only to slide backward.  Steps forward and steps backward. And that is why you are discouraged. Am I right? What if I told you that was the nature of the process?  What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration? Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points...

You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce. It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is cr...

Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!" Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently. If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, t...

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into be...

"I just outgrew you," he said to her in my office.  But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually "outgrown" her.  But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth.  He said, "You stifle me," and she answered, "You never care about my interests." And both were right. But both missed the opportunity -- self-expansion as a part of the relationship.  They could b...

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust). The short answer is NO, that is not the goal. A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustain...

Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us. Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks? Yep. In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a cr...

Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same qu...

People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it).  Then they ask, "why should I have to forgive?" Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver. I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week's podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by fo...

You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website. And so, I often have the question asked, "Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?" Can a separation save a marriage? Short answer:  yes, it can. Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in...

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune syst...

People are quirky.  We all have strange and interesting habits and interests.  No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person." Yet all of us crave one thing:  validation and approval.  We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and we do it through adulthood. In fact, one of t...

It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of...

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keep...

You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily. You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown. But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all! What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes? It can be challenging, frus...

It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or addres...

I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation. That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to. Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship. And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to. The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at...

I admit it.  The phone call got under my skin.  We were traveling and I answered the call.  The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy."  I told him I was.  He told me he didn't want my System.  Just the secret, the "short-cut." When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that.  He just needed the "trick," the short-cut. We went round and round...

I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage.  I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job.  But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress.  Did my spouse Friend Zone me??" Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed...

I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year.  Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better. In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier.  It is intense and challenging, but designed...

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable? Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right? Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite...

First, let me be clear:  if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else!  This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me!  YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode.  That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode...

No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marria...

"You are just too selfish and self-centered.  That is why we have marriage problems."  Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage.  I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that.  Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people!  At the same time! Both accuse the other...