The Save The Marriage Podcast

We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are...

Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced.  They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce.  There are some stops along the way. As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road.  And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back tow...

The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE) But being simply disconnec...

Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it.  They can't seem to get started with their efforts.  Yes, they know the clock is ticking.  Yes, they know it is important.  But getting started... doesn't happen IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED? There are several typical reasons why people get stuck...

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others.  Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table.  Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence.  And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relations...

Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future? You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch.  You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it.  If that is the case, then you need a way forward.  The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness. How important is it? Incredibly important!  Humans do not do well with feeling hopeless.  Any bit of hope helps us to mov...

It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist).  Most people communicate just fine.  They have another issue:  perception.  How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue. And then the trap is laid. Perception and connection.  They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection. I call it the Perception/...

We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages.  It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over.  The problem is when the hurts don't heal. Bumps, they happen.  Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen. Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to lon...

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits.  They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful.  And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step.  And that particular dance?  It...

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractu...

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.”  There were 607,000,000.  Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  Wha...

Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage.  Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed. It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation.  And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay.  While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to chan...

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage.  Besides, what is the point?" Let’s face it:  right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained.  And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up.  Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as...

So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy."  In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. The next step is often, "I need space."  But that is even scarier!  And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. Maybe an in-house separation.  Maybe a full separation.  Emotional separation becomes physical separation. All from a spouse stating an emotional state of co...

Roles.  We all have them.  We all play them. Some are "identity roles."  They identify us in the role.  For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles."  They identify what we do.  For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker,"  and "podcaster" (among others).  They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles."  T...

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis. Have you ever tried to save a drowning person? This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will fl...

You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress. Then, BAM!  You hit a wall. A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up. But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  When...

Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people. “Our marriage is broken,” she told me.  “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.” Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else? Most relationships are sparked by infatuation.  Call it passio...

Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives."  If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions.  The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage. Often (but not always), they are run by therapists.  Either they come to you or you go to them.  And then, you "hit i...

There are lots of myths about marriage.  But there is one myth that comes up over and over.  In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship. The question is whether you step into the trap or not.  Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage?  Or a better question:  has it already damaged your marriage? How is the trap set? Think bac...

It’s a partnership.  Right? Right? Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions.  And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way.  But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared. Many arguments and disagreements are eithe...

You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want.  Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like. Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want. But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good? Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it? Yes. There are common situati...

You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right?  (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple.  I explain it in this episode/) Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making. Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around.  Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, ste...

I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?" Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids.  Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce....

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be.  How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse.  Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be. There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there.  You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation.  And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want.  It is wh...