The Save The Marriage Podcast

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?...

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast! Why?  Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's. There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries.  We are facing one right now:  the beginning of summer.  In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly).  For other countries, it may...

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is t...

There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser.  In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now. Why?  Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer.  The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing whic...

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage. But is it possible to find that intimacy?  Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage?? There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it!  This isn't on purpose.  They just don't know better. The path to intimacy may not be something you le...

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life. But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying probl...

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage. This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better. When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even...

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com). This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection. It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to w...

Where could your efforts fail? Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts. But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable. Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks. In marriage, there are also p...

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure! Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun. Bu...

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that. In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever. B...

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hin...

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help?  And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage?  Tough question.  And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course.  I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the...

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Tho...

The Pause Button.  You didn't know you hit it.  But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem.  Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even wit...

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save...

Many people are struggling with depression.  And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage.  Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis?  Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is...

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chri...

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking abou...

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband.  Trying to get the treatment she deserves.  Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone.  What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her nam...

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but mor...

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into be...

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remembe...

Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?"  And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me." Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions.  They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship.  What to look for?  And what to do if those signs are not there? This can be a bit li...

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't. I mean, let's face it:  most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married.  Maybe a little pre-marital counseling.  Perhaps a weekend event.  Or maybe you read a book.  But that doesn't really cut it, does it?  Most people find that out when they hit a problem. They often discov...