Swordboys - Cut x Cut

The Swordboys are here to say that they know kung fu (movies)! They take a major step down in quality from the last movie to discuss CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON! Buckle up, everybody - they’re about to get everything wrong - from Chinese history to basic pronunciation. They jump aboard the Li/Yu ship. What, Li? No, Yu! Jonathan talks about the time he joined a meditation cult, Rick discusses Shu...

Sexy Skeletor is now Master of the Universe and we are so happy for him! He has a huge staff, a costume change, a pig nose and a winged helmet that he stole from a Jun warlord. He gloats to Eternia ( Population: 8 ) but now that he is at the top, he is so lonely, something he shares with arch-nemesis, the very greasy He-Man. The Earthlings arrive and blasters and shotguns are a-blazin'! A mome...

Oh gosh, this one is a doozy! We have arrived at the Last of Earth! Cut-out He-Man flies his pizza stone and finally pulls his sword out while Man-At-Arms and Teela shoot questions first and ask blasters later! We learn about Sexy Skeletor bits and the origins of Snake Mounting. Julie Ackbar gets her leg manipulated while Skeletor reminds Evil-Lyn to blast his cache. We take the space butthole bac...

Welcome back to the quiet desolate streets of Los Angeles, where the only place open is Charlie's Music Store. After Kevin autotunes his way out of the Collar of Al Jarreau and Gwildor tries on Julie's clothes (because comedy!), it's a race to Charlie's to find out the secrets of the cosmic key. You see, the universe is music and---boring! Time for a shootout after Evil Lyn's s...

Hey. You like warehouses? Because we are in Pizzabox Alley again in this cut. But at least He-Man finally uses his sword in a movie which should have probably been called "Blasters of the Universe". And Blade has TWO swords and we gotta tell ya - it's pretty terrific. Other highlights include the "piss moment" of the movie, the arrival of both Pawn Star Ernie and Marshall S...

Clear out your gill slits and synchronize your personal locators! It's time to take the space butthole to Los Angeles where we meet Kevin and Julie, who discover a Torktum-proof Japanese synthesizer buried in the ground near Julie's parents! We also spend some time at Robby's Ribs & Chicken where we learn some not-so-fun facts about what else happened there. There's also bounty...

By the Power of Greyskull, we finally start to cover a piece of cinematic art with real history unlike our last movie: "MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE". The Gen-Xer Boys and the Baby Millennial Boy talk about their love of the toys they owned and the cartoon they watched religiously back in the old days. However, that does start us "somewhat disappointed" in how those iconic heroes, l...

The Swordboys rejoin the insurrection by yelling about arrangements and tracking down exactly whose sword killed Young DARt’s father. Cardinal Richelieu reveals that he’s a GunBoy under those robes (and potentially nude), but luckily Porthos holds x to revive Aramis. So much swordplay between D'Artagnan and Craptain Roachfort, as well as the titular Three Musketeers saving the future McFlys. O...

The Swordboys jump on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney to cheer on the murders of all of the crew by Aramis and Platthos, everyone’s favorite bridge troll leading man. Assassin’s Creed is brought up a few times as Milady’s leap of faith becomes notable to the history of Disney, after her stay at the AirBnP. We return to Paris just in time for the Kingceanera, but what’s this? An insurre...

The Swordboys return to the tavern to hear Big Brother Athos talk of love and good-natured punches to the face. Next we take a milk bath with a gross tasseled pillow and a horny pope who just wants the Queen to bring him closer to God. Then it’s off to avoid cannonballs and deliver maximum Star Wars quotes before we wish a hearty RSVP to Whitey Axelrod. Finally, we rate the handsomeness of King Lo...

The Swordboys travel from the depths of the horny Richelieu’s mancave to a wenching tavern on the outskirts of Paris. We explore questions like “How likable is Chris O’Donnell?”, “How many peasants did Porthos behead?”, “What’s in your sacred snack chamber?” and “Who were Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds?” We are introduced to Whitey, Bitey, Ricky, and Moe, we list our Depard-donts, and also le...

The Swordboys return as young DAR'tagnan's father's son continues his quest to irritate every person he runs into with his BDE. We get into some Platt Facts before the Sheen Scene and Aramis's piety (which is great fodder for Bible Boys),as well as how cool Kiefer Sutherland is. We discuss Queen Anne's actual heritage, duel locations according to Google Maps, horse names, futur...

Welcome back! The Swordboys are time-traveling from 80s Hyborian Age to 90s Pre-Revolutionary France! This is a time of feathered hats, armored cardinals and iron-masked men parts 1, 2, and 3! And duels! So many duels keep young SwordBoy D'Artagnan busy as he escapes Girard's butlers on the snooty stallion Stabby, who smells like a French horsehouse, and runs into a cavalcade of 90s actors...

The Swordboys return for our final cut of Red Sonja, starting with her first confrontation with Queen Gedren in her throne room. Gedren is unarmed, but thanks to a kind of magic, she finds a sword by the door! The ladies wail at each other like they are holding baseball bats and DJ Wizzo starts throwing down some sick beats. The fight moves to the candleroom where Tarn tries his best to let everyo...

The Swordboys wake up yet again, but this time to break down some unwanted sexual swordfighting between Sonja and Kalidor, with an assist from Prince Tarn. Soon enough, we are off to pull our spare bones out to infiltrate the mad Queen Gedron's butthole. The lady laughs while her most loyal spider Ikol faces his fiercest enemies: a 9-year-old and a slowly-closing door. Runtime - 00:59:18 - 01:...

The Swordboys wake up in their fur coat snuggies to watch Red Sonja teach the young prince how to “hold his sword”. We discuss Falkon: Origins, and marvel at how this movie is just basically Ernie Reyes Jr and a bunch of people who can’t speak English. Next up, Tarn and Falkon consider visiting Hyborian Pawn Stars before they are attacked by a robot fish dragon with a sword tongue! What are its mo...

The Swordboys discuss the ins-and-outs of Brytag’s tolls, and discover that his amazingly-armored men just want to watch. A connection is made from the tollmaster to Charlie Sheen, and Sonja is soon impressed by Arnold’s love of a good fight. Then we head to Hawk Forest, where a familiar swordsman with a dazzling hat tortures the young prince for gold he doesn’t have. After a fight that includes s...

The Swordboys return to find our titular heroine training under Clan Gooch! But Sonja is not here to get hugs or make friends. After picking a sword that looks like a wheel of cheese, and jumping on a horse that matches her hair, she joins Calendar, friend to all, to hear the dying words of Varna. Then she is off to find the ruins of a city Queen Gedron would have only half-destroyed if it wasn’t...

The Swordboys head to the Hyborian Age where “Dino Di Horrendous” presents a Conan sequel without Conan but also with Conan called RED SONJA! Sonja gets imbued with strength by a mystical fairy for vengeance against the evil Queen Pineapple! But first, top-billed Arnold Schwarzenegger rides our old pal Clompy to save Sonja’s sister from some very overdressed soldiers! Don’t lose your head! Runtime...

The Swordboys return to the Abbey one more time (just as the Table of Five are wont to do) to take a nap on its many tables and benches! Is Hawk secretly the Zodiac Killer and how come his sword fighting is mostly slow and unimpressive? Why does Voltan carry a long receipt, what is his love language, and what exactly is his motivation? How does a blizzard, a bamboo reed full of neon green silly st...

Hawk and his team must fight Drogo son of Voltan! And it goes pretty well for them, not for Drogo. Our favorite horse actor is back as well.

The Swordboys have returned to the Abbey where Sister Monicaaaaaa frustrates Ranulf, Crow broods in the doorway, Tej talks Roman out of his greasy chicken (he honrgy) and Hawk reminisces on the time he was tied to a tree while Elaine dropped some sick burns on Voltan. But eventually, the Table of Five reserve a spot at Jabba’s palace, and Gort gets to play a game. Is it the hokey pokey? God’s teet...

The Swordboys are back to join the Table with no tables. Did you know that the ride to the witch’s cave was spooky? It might also be on Krypton. But it’s time to get the party together! We get a giant played by a tall guy who’s not Shaq, an elf played by a machine covered in tomato soup, and a stinky fish-eating dwarf played by a short guy. And hey, if you’re not a giant, an elf or a dwarf - don’t...

The Swordboys return for another slow “Casio-nic” gallop through the humid forest. What’s duller? John Terry’s acting or the Mindsword? Yes it’s true. This sword has no edge. Is there a secret Highlander in this film? Is Voltan more Darth Vader or Mr. Spock? Take care, listeners. Watch for us in the night… Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo! Runtime - 00:14:55 - 00:30:35

The Swordboys are back with another classic 80s sword and sorcery movie: Hawk the Slayer! In our first cut, we discuss the King of Dubbers, the return of our old friend Clompy, the Mindsword, the varied acting of Christian Shephard and W. Morgan Sheppard, Dark Wizards, Skullfaces, glowing crystals, sandwich threats, amazing matte paintings and Jack Palance impressions so terrible that they may pas...