Swordboys - Cut x Cut

After a rough start, the Deathstalker franchise gets a little sassier in Cut One of DEATHSTALKER II: DUEL OF THE TITANS. That's because Clunk Cheesechest has regenerated like the Doctor and upgraded to Banter McSword. This guy has almost as many kills as he does quips, and that might make up for the fact that most of the actors, costumes, sets, establishing shots and sometimes even parts of sc...

Let's get ready to rumble! It's tournament time! This is what the movie has been building to, right? Or was it rescuing the Princess? Oh wait, collecting all the items of power?? The Swordboys are not very sure. There is a lot of fighting. We're not sure if it's all happening at the same time or if we are seeing it in badly-edited snippets. But the real fight is the one in Deathsta...

What's up perverts? The Swordboys are talking Cut 2 of the original Deathstalker this week. We start off in Munkar's Harem, where our titular hero sits idly by while ladies, hopped up on turkey legs and apples, are being tossed about and assaulted by his fellow combatants, one of whom is a guy with a pig's head. Meanwhile, the kinkiness continues in Munkar's chamber, where he feeds...

Rick is drunk with power - the Sword of Power that is! That's because his pick is the entire DEATHSTALKER franchise! In Cut 1 of the original Deathstalker (1983), we meet a fairly problematic hero who is sent on a quest to defeat a dark wizard, save the princess and collect the Three Powers of Creation in order to "become the power" (whatever that means). Along the way, he runs into Planet of the...

The Swordboys await their sentence at the end of their time with the famous fanfiction movie Braveheart. As they do, they dig deep into such topics as who their guy is, doing or throwing mushrooms at a public event, how to kiss with a mouthful of liquid, locking eyes with weird kids, and something about a Juicy Jerry? Hey listen, every man dies. Not every man really podcasts about sword movies. Bu...

Join the Swordboys as we sit catatonically by a river and contemplate Cut 7 of Braveheart. RSVP Campbell. And there is so much death, but on the plus side, there are so many free swords! Bobby Junior spirals emotionally as William starts literally dropping bodies. And against the advice of his closest allies, our hero steps directly into the Taint of High Treason! Will this be the end of William W...

Swordboys returns unkilled by the heathens, but we do look back...at Cut 6 of Braveheart, that is. Eddie Senior decides to use William's love of the French to trick him. But, faster than you can say New England Clam Chowder, Chef Wallace leads his Soupboys into battle yet again. But a mysterious Buckethead has joined the British ranks. Could this be William's undoing? Runtime: 01:50:58 - 0...

Time for a medal ceremony! Sorry Chewie. With no help from his sodomite cousin the prince, Mork from York is sacked and beheaded after the Riders of Rohan arrive. Meanwhile Longshanks throws Bran Stark out of a window, and Princess Isabelle and Nicolette pitch a tent for William. Runtime: 01:33:00 - 01:50:58

Soup's on! The Swordboys gather around a fire to sample some of William's audition for The Bear, seasoned from mysterious herbs hidden under his kilt. Enter Stephen: a man with God's ear, an island to himself and possibly a podcast. They stick their faces in chemical toilets and ride to Stirling for an epic battle not meant for Softboys. Is Campbell okay? Maybe we should ask Hamish&#39...

In this cut, William rides in farming aura, threshing faces with Scottish nunchucks, and leading his dirty boys in taking down Fort Shit and avenging the death of Maid Murren. Meanwhile, Lady Cluck tells tales of romance and Robert the Bruce Senior is just falling to pieces. MacAulish!!Runtime: 00:46:03 - 01:07:27

In Cut Two, the Swordboys are back in Shrek's boggy marsh, to welcome the adult William Wallace, with his clean-shaven face, perfect teeth, and stolen Highlander wig. Old William has returned to get into some good ol' rock throwing with McCloy, flip his old "house" and make a play for his childhood sweetheart. But, of course, the British cutthroats show up to destroy the vibe. Ru...

Welcome back to the Highlands, er Lowlands! The Swordboys strap on their best kilts and their best Scottish accents to ride into battle for 1995's BRAVEHEART! In Cut One, young William Wallace is drafted into the Weapon X Program for his skills in the kitchen. Later on, Longshanks assembles his cabinet to Make Scotland England Again, while Robert the Bruce arrives in Edinburgh (not pronounced how...

Is everybody Hydrated and ready to bone? It's time for the final cut of Jason and the Argonauts and finally we get to the long-awaited skeletons-with-swords scene! But before that, Jason finds the Golden Fleece, just in time for the holidays and battles the Hydra, a creature with wasted potential. Then, after one boring miracle and some gardening with Johnny Appleseed, Jason and his two men (t...

Happy Baby Argus New Year! Medea’s Family Shipwreck gets Jason’s personal attention. The two other survivors are being looked after. Meanwhile, Acastus gets tied up in knots and ends up betraying them all. Euphemus shows up dead as a doornail. After public shaming by King Aeetes, Jason and the Argonauts are captured but luckily Medea Goes To Jail to help them escape! Muster Your Men, Captain! (The...

Happy holidays! Tune in as the Swordboys make topical and timely references that people love! The Argonauts dress for dinner and help a questionably-blind former Time Lord net some questionably-hot screeching bird women. After that, they sail the Argo into Nick Nolte's bathtub and Zeus insults Hera. Please send us your pictures of Charlie Starkist in a bowtie or your favorite Beastmaster nativ...

We're starving on a boat and need to stop off on the Island of Bronze. Hercules is told the rules but just like that little monkey from Aladdin, he steals something and all hell breaks loose as a giant man tries to slowly kill the Argonauts. Don't worry, he has a bunghole. Timestamp: Uh, does anyone even read these?

Happy Thanksgiving Swordboys! Here is a special patreon only episode for your holiday weekend. Go watch The Warrior and the Sorceress on Youtube and then listen in. There are a lot of boobs in this. Nuff said! (It also has David Carradine scowling around...)

Grab your kudookus and head on down to the Mount Olympus food court, because Yabba Dabba Zeus has got the games on - the Olympic Games, that is! That's because Jason is assembling a crack team of absolute dickheads in diapers to head down to Georgia and we have "trivia" about every one single of them. Two Poops, Castor Oyl, Podcastus, Euphemism, Spyro of Skyland, Timothy Olmundson an...

Greece is the word! By way of Southern Italy that is. Hey, how depressed is Ray Harryhausen? Could a depressed person make this? Because we are setting course on an epic adventure filmed with Dynamation in cut 1 of 1963's "JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS"! Pelias and his soothsayer smoke a bowl and get directions from Fred Flintstone Zeus, but my guy cannot stop defiling Hera's temples!...

In our final cut, our intrepid swashbuckler races to stop the dastardly plan to give General Santa Anna back his own gold to buy California, and murder all the peasants that mined it! This time we have dual duels because, while Al is here to set several fires and explosions off in his fight against Captain Love, Don Diego picks up his sword to take down his evil baby-abducting archenemy Don Monter...

We are feasting on swords and neighplayers this week! Zorro escapes with the map and is surprised by how properly instructed Elena is! They play a game of flirty swords before Elena is vigorously undressed! After that, Clompy and new friend Tad team up to deliver one of the last old school horse stunt spectaculars! But now it’s personal for Don Diego as he faces off with Don Raphael like it’s an e...

At last! The legendary Zorro arrives and we get a spectacular swordfight to talk about this week! But first, we have to discuss: Brazilian steakhouses, Clompy's favorite scene, horse tunes, Elena Origins, Head Jar, removable mustaches, flaming Zs, the sounds of swords, Gymkata, and the literal Mask of Zorro! Get comfortable, grab yourself a glass of isopropyl alcohol, and let the sound of our...

Welcome to Hell’s Outhouse! No swordplay this week, but something is unsheathed! Fire up the Tango! Al and El hit the floor while Don Diego hits a guard. We learn about Don Raphael's sinister plan and see how massive his secret operation is. So that obviously means that our conversation is mainly about oral histories, Epcot Center, lobby dumps, the Macarena, Dirty Dancing, minor miners, and Th...

Banditos! Senoritas! Caballeros! This is a house of God! The Swordboys follow the new Zorro into a confessional booth that has both Al and El looking for any (glory)holiness between them. After he escapes both lust and Love, Al gets a dressing-down from Double D and his whip, before getting a dressing-up for a bougie fiesta where he faces scrutiny from a rouge-y Don Montero. Merry Whipmyth! Runtim...

Cue the training montage! The very sexy Don Diego decides to sober Alejandro up after finding him drinking whiskey with limes and salt. But how "Miyagi" are his teachings? Once trained, Zorro Begins by setting his sights on a Black Beauty with hair that matches his own. Will Al be able to claim Torna-dos as his own, and how many soldiers will he accidentally blow up in the process? Los M...