Swordboys - Cut x Cut

Deathstalker's plan to honey trap Princess Kana with the pent-up juices of Vaniat works even though the tournament breaks down into drunken chaos. Dionara reveals to the surprise of absolutely no one that she is a princess, and tells her secret tale through the magic of using footage from a different movie. After facing Kana's rack, Deathstalker and the rest of the living combatants face a...

Yet another tournament begins in Cut 2 of Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans. Too much clanging causes Eldoron to get stoned in Princess Kana's quarters, Generic has to get into a cat fight using her fabled scissor attack. Dionara straight-up kills a girl, and Deathstalker has a hogshead of trouble in his fight with Vaniat, but nothing prepares us for Deathstalker and Dionara having to teach Van...

Corman and Cohen pull up their Argentinian stakes and head to Bulgaria (The Hollywood of Eastern Europe) to celebrate the fall of communism in DEATHSTALKER IV: MATCH OF TITANS. Rick Hill (the OG DS) makes his triumphant return, while younger versions of himself fight off marauders and little lion men. Strangely enough, he gathers new friends to fight in a tournament and help a princess reclaim her...

Call Officer Big Mac, because we are about to lock Big Howard up for crimes against screenwriting in the final cut of Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell! A depressed Niceas is captured and put through the gentlest interrogation. The Warriors are slurping through nature's straws and having a hard time adjusting to modern society. Mirinda returns only to have her fate sealed in a blanket (s...

Potatoes! They are what WE eat in Cut 2 of Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell! Deathstalker is popular with the ladies as always - he gets to horse-shack it up with Mirinda the potato farmer's daughter, squabble with Elizena: Whinier Princess and fail repeatedly to seduce Camisarde. Meanwhile, Troxartes is just serving fits, giving Bela Lugosi eyes, and bringing Madame energy. Slay queen....

We're trying something new, here is a snippet of e of our episodes over on patreon where we allow the wheel to choose our net movie. Spoilers, it's Highlander 3! Join in today patreon.com/swordboys to sign up today for HOURS of other movies we can't cover in the main feed.

Grab a Corona, because we're headed to Mexico for the third installment in Rick's Revenge Season! Big Howard is back and he brought a lot of original ideas like our hero having a magical friend who holds on to his cup, an evil wizard conspiring with a hot lady, a magic gem, twin princesses with wildly different attitudes, pools of water to spy on the protagonists, and locations seen in oth...

Soup's on! Cut 3 of Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans starts with a SwordBoy staple. A lackluster swordfight follows, but at least we get to go to Jarek's sex rave after. One epileptic sex scene later, Deathstalker and Bachelor Party head into the castle, where Deathstalker has an extended meeting with Bachelor Party 2.This all leads to a huge battle between Jarek's guards and the Am...

Is that your sword or are you just happy to see me? The Swordboys return for Cut 2 of Deathstalker II, where they learn never to accept a collect call from a prison or an evil sorcerer. From there, we go to a spooky graveyard with zombies, questionable grave markers, and a garbage masher kept in a mausoleum. After escaping that, Deathstalker is captured by Amazonians who put our womanizing hero on...

After a rough start, the Deathstalker franchise gets a little sassier in Cut One of DEATHSTALKER II: DUEL OF THE TITANS. That's because Clunk Cheesechest has regenerated like the Doctor and upgraded to Banter McSword. This guy has almost as many kills as he does quips, and that might make up for the fact that most of the actors, costumes, sets, establishing shots and sometimes even parts of sc...

Let's get ready to rumble! It's tournament time! This is what the movie has been building to, right? Or was it rescuing the Princess? Oh wait, collecting all the items of power?? The Swordboys are not very sure. There is a lot of fighting. We're not sure if it's all happening at the same time or if we are seeing it in badly-edited snippets. But the real fight is the one in Deathsta...

What's up perverts? The Swordboys are talking Cut 2 of the original Deathstalker this week. We start off in Munkar's Harem, where our titular hero sits idly by while ladies, hopped up on turkey legs and apples, are being tossed about and assaulted by his fellow combatants, one of whom is a guy with a pig's head. Meanwhile, the kinkiness continues in Munkar's chamber, where he feeds...

Rick is drunk with power - the Sword of Power that is! That's because his pick is the entire DEATHSTALKER franchise! In Cut 1 of the original Deathstalker (1983), we meet a fairly problematic hero who is sent on a quest to defeat a dark wizard, save the princess and collect the Three Powers of Creation in order to "become the power" (whatever that means). Along the way, he runs into Planet of the...

The Swordboys await their sentence at the end of their time with the famous fanfiction movie Braveheart. As they do, they dig deep into such topics as who their guy is, doing or throwing mushrooms at a public event, how to kiss with a mouthful of liquid, locking eyes with weird kids, and something about a Juicy Jerry? Hey listen, every man dies. Not every man really podcasts about sword movies. Bu...

Join the Swordboys as we sit catatonically by a river and contemplate Cut 7 of Braveheart. RSVP Campbell. And there is so much death, but on the plus side, there are so many free swords! Bobby Junior spirals emotionally as William starts literally dropping bodies. And against the advice of his closest allies, our hero steps directly into the Taint of High Treason! Will this be the end of William W...

Swordboys returns unkilled by the heathens, but we do look back...at Cut 6 of Braveheart, that is. Eddie Senior decides to use William's love of the French to trick him. But, faster than you can say New England Clam Chowder, Chef Wallace leads his Soupboys into battle yet again. But a mysterious Buckethead has joined the British ranks. Could this be William's undoing? Runtime: 01:50:58 - 0...

Time for a medal ceremony! Sorry Chewie. With no help from his sodomite cousin the prince, Mork from York is sacked and beheaded after the Riders of Rohan arrive. Meanwhile Longshanks throws Bran Stark out of a window, and Princess Isabelle and Nicolette pitch a tent for William. Runtime: 01:33:00 - 01:50:58

Soup's on! The Swordboys gather around a fire to sample some of William's audition for The Bear, seasoned from mysterious herbs hidden under his kilt. Enter Stephen: a man with God's ear, an island to himself and possibly a podcast. They stick their faces in chemical toilets and ride to Stirling for an epic battle not meant for Softboys. Is Campbell okay? Maybe we should ask Hamish&#39...

In this cut, William rides in farming aura, threshing faces with Scottish nunchucks, and leading his dirty boys in taking down Fort Shit and avenging the death of Maid Murren. Meanwhile, Lady Cluck tells tales of romance and Robert the Bruce Senior is just falling to pieces. MacAulish!!Runtime: 00:46:03 - 01:07:27

In Cut Two, the Swordboys are back in Shrek's boggy marsh, to welcome the adult William Wallace, with his clean-shaven face, perfect teeth, and stolen Highlander wig. Old William has returned to get into some good ol' rock throwing with McCloy, flip his old "house" and make a play for his childhood sweetheart. But, of course, the British cutthroats show up to destroy the vibe. Ru...

Welcome back to the Highlands, er Lowlands! The Swordboys strap on their best kilts and their best Scottish accents to ride into battle for 1995's BRAVEHEART! In Cut One, young William Wallace is drafted into the Weapon X Program for his skills in the kitchen. Later on, Longshanks assembles his cabinet to Make Scotland England Again, while Robert the Bruce arrives in Edinburgh (not pronounced how...

Is everybody Hydrated and ready to bone? It's time for the final cut of Jason and the Argonauts and finally we get to the long-awaited skeletons-with-swords scene! But before that, Jason finds the Golden Fleece, just in time for the holidays and battles the Hydra, a creature with wasted potential. Then, after one boring miracle and some gardening with Johnny Appleseed, Jason and his two men (t...

Happy Baby Argus New Year! Medea’s Family Shipwreck gets Jason’s personal attention. The two other survivors are being looked after. Meanwhile, Acastus gets tied up in knots and ends up betraying them all. Euphemus shows up dead as a doornail. After public shaming by King Aeetes, Jason and the Argonauts are captured but luckily Medea Goes To Jail to help them escape! Muster Your Men, Captain! (The...

Happy holidays! Tune in as the Swordboys make topical and timely references that people love! The Argonauts dress for dinner and help a questionably-blind former Time Lord net some questionably-hot screeching bird women. After that, they sail the Argo into Nick Nolte's bathtub and Zeus insults Hera. Please send us your pictures of Charlie Starkist in a bowtie or your favorite Beastmaster nativ...

We're starving on a boat and need to stop off on the Island of Bronze. Hercules is told the rules but just like that little monkey from Aladdin, he steals something and all hell breaks loose as a giant man tries to slowly kill the Argonauts. Don't worry, he has a bunghole. Timestamp: Uh, does anyone even read these?