Swordboys - Cut x Cut

We meet the grown Murrieta brothers and their pal Tres Fingers Jack as the pull a scam on a group of Californian soldiers. But their plans are cut short by the appearance of Captain Love. A very ironic name, although he does love killing so I guess he never works a day in his life. Don Diego slinks out of jail as the evil Don Rafael comes back to California with his daughter, Elena. Don't lose...

Time for a proper movie! Roberto, Ricardo and Juanathan are back to discuss the ONLY Zorro movie, despite what Legend says: THE MASK OF ZORRO! In this first cut, we are denied Antonio, but the real Zorro arrives first, played by a very agile 61-year-old! We talk Zorro origins, its ties to real history, what sword he uses and of course his gentle steed Clompo! Jess... Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:18:03

We come ARMED to our last cut of CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Conan, Subotai and the Wizard prep the beach Home Alone-style to ambush "Tulsa" Doom with the Princess as bait! With a final prayer to Jobu, Conan dispatches Thorgrim and is nearly killed by Rexor but is saved at the last minute by a tall blonde angel! And finally, Conan takes one last trip to Snake Mountain to get his vengeance. CROM...

Soup's on! Conan, Valeria, and Subotai make their way into the sunken living room of Thulsa Doom's lair and there are so many questions. How does the fornication room work? How does it smell? What's the secret of the ooze? Why is Thulsa turning into a snake? How many penises does a snake have? And how much gasoline is needed for an Amazonian corpse to explode into flame? CROM!!! Runtim...

Happy belated Easter! Get your Tree of Whoa talk here at Swordboys where the crucifixions come with some tasty crucifixins'! Then the Wizard half-asses some sort of spell to attack Conan's corpse with some ghosties. And finally, after some flexin' and sword kata, the trio head to Thulsa's Temple of Doom to help them get their kitchen nightmares in order. Yes Chef, I mean, CROM!! Runtime: 01:15:50...

Conan is alone now, and meets a wizard, adorned in felt skins, trading Clompy in for a couple of humps. After that, he uses his mime skills and attractive pecs to infiltrate the snake cult cast of 100s! But a pointy white hat isn't enough to disguise the enormous barbarian, and so finds himself face-to-face with his greatest enemy! CROM! Runtime: 00:59:59 - 01:15:50

Enter Valeria! Team Coco picks up another warrior to help them infiltrate the very smelly Snakehole Lounge. After that, it's time for booze, breathable gruel and boning! Finally, Conan, Subotai and Valeria are given a fetch quest to the Mountain of Power which might actually be the very place Conan was going to anyway! CROM!!! Runtime: 00:40:20 - 00:59:59

Warm yourself next to the fire of Swordboys this week as Travis of the Bow returns for Cut 3 of Conan the Barbarian! After Conan gets some d-erection from a wolfwitch, he meets a surfing thief named Subotai and together they go on a black lotus-influenced rampage through Zamora's livestock. This had better not be Haga! CROM! Runtime: 00:29:46 - 00:40:20

WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE? Having a Bowboy like Travis to stop by and discuss Cut 2 of Conan the Barbarian! We start with Young Conan strapped to the Wheel of Pain, where his sisyphean struggles turn him into Arnold Schwarzenegger! Eventually he's tossed in a Thunderbowl to fight for his life against various emissaries of Skeletor. He's trained as a fighter and is rewarded with the pleasures of...

Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! The Swordboys return to the Hyborian Age and dust off their Arnold impressions for it is finally time to discuss CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Do we even need to say the 1982 version? Even if it opens with a Kelly Clarkson quote? Of course not, because Jonathan really needs a win this time. Topics discussed are the tragic tale of the father of the sword and so...

You and I have unfinished business. Baby, you ain't kidding, because the Swordboys have finally reached the conclusion of KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR! Jonathan is on edi-Bills, Robin brings some not-so-fun facts and Rick praises Bill's parenting. They also discuss the infamous car crash, sword songs, thumbsuckers, Superman's secret identity, more reasons why Harvey Weinstein is...

The Swordboys celebrate their two-year anniversary as the now-named Beatrix Kiddo crosses two names off her kill list. Robin acts like a hot mess, Jonathan continues to be a lovable scamp, and Rick figures out a way this movie could have been better. Still, we give Daryl Hannah some props for being a crimefighting activist, and Elle Driver some props for writing all her fun facts and jokes down. F...

The Swordboys travel to China with young Beatrix to undergo the "cruetelage of paella", which just may be the training she needs to escape her subterranean cell! Along the way, they discuss important topics such as their favorite pies, double knots, Dead Poet's Society, the best part of a rat, Quentin's nearly-disastrous casting, breakaway flutes, whooshy ponytails, MythBusters,...

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! The Swordboys head to the strip club for Budd's shift as we finally get into some Madsen Facts. Michael Madsen - actor, poet, hot sauce maker, and Tarantino staple - plays the most conscientious DiVA, Budd, who is now living a humble life with a satisfied mind. But The Bride is here for a payback that will leave one of them six feet under. Along the way, the Swordb...

Come hang with the Swordboys as we start the Volume 2 half of the Whole Bloody Affair in desolate El Paso where The Bride and The Groom do a dress rehearsal of death. Arlene’s daddy, a silver miner from Perth, has arrived, flute in hand. But will he give The Bride away, or will this turn into a bloodbath? Give Daddy a kiss as he helps tie the knot. TWBA Runtime: 01:42:53-01:59:00 Volume Two Runtim...

Woo hoo! Time for the Swordboys to drift over to Tokyo and discuss Chapter 5 which is full of gallons and gallons of blood! More blood than a human could realistically geyser out of their body but, hey, Morbius is happy. What else does this chapter contain? Swords! Lots and lots of swords! So many swords that you might not wonder where The Bride pulled hers from. We do know that she's a real blood...

The Swordboys invite you to Okinawa, home of Mr. Miyagi, so make sure to bring your Japanese tongues. The Bride is here for a sword so turn that frown upside down. Topics include subtle restaurant names, Wolfguys, Morbius, the power of strong sake, the importance distinction between bald and shaved heads, underwear and TiVo in the shower, and how Hattori Hanzo created Reddit. Do you understand? TW...

We're in Cartoonland this week as we explore Chapter 3: the "O-Rengin". O-Ren's background is brutal and bloody, as we see in media revenge. But, is it real or is it legend? Also discussed are hiding under porches, Weekend at Bernie's, The A-Team, Burn Notice, Pretty Woman, the importance of bulletproof glass, and how The Bride got from the hospital to the airport. Also, as a bonus, Jonathan share...

Good gravy, Marie! The Swordboys (including a sleepy Jonathan) turn to Chapter 2 of KILL BILL as we encounter some timeline shenanigans with our heroine outlined in chalk on the floor of an El Paso chapel. We are still trying to trace the trajectory of Bill's magic bullet, and get some help from Earl and Edgar McGraw, familiar faces to fans of Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. At Perdido Hills Hospi...

Do you find us sadistic? The Swordboys open the book on KILL BILL with Chapter One: 2. We discuss some of the changes and deleted scenes from The Whole Bloody Affair (but you can still keep up by watching the theatrical cuts). There are so many fun facts and font facts about how Doo Doo Run Run ran Shaw Brothers Studios, our first Umas, how to pronounce "The RZA", how well Dimples hold up a vinyl...

For this final truncated cut, we discuss our wishes for a Jade Fox origin story, some of the best acting we have ever covered so far, and how we would have ended the movie because the way it ends is pretty baffling to us. Also, Robin is incensed by the purple yin, Rick is stunned at how deceitful 8-year-old girls can be, and Jonathan remembers why he never liked this movie. Finally, as always, we...

In this cut, the Swordboys finally get to the best 20 minutes of the movie! After experiencing some ear-piercing trills that natively are known as "music", Jen brings her Karen energy to a restaurant where you get the best cod by fighting the toughest person there. Legends like Iron Arm, Ring Sword, Abacus Guy and Fiststick Man try their best to take the girlboss down, and the establishment ends u...

Comb one, comb all as we continue the flashback to Dark Cloud's Mountain Spa, where we find out what happens to falcons that can't deliver messages correctly. Jen is on her eat pray love journey with Lo, where we return to a Swordboys staple: the pre-coitus stabbing. Yup, this is a kissing movie and Jen and Lo meld each other's cultures so much that Jen could eat a whole horse. Back in the present...

Welcome to The Most Talking Cut, which would probably be better with either Sean Connery or arm wrestling. In this cut, you've got Sir T (who pities a fool), Karen Yu and High Energy Action Star Li Mu Bai trying to figure out what to do with a Jade-pilled Jen. Just when Li thought he was out, some flying wuxia and skadooshing brings him back in. We also flashback to days, months or years ago (...

If you're bored, you'll be so happy to hear from us as we get into another cut of Crouching Talking Hidden Drama! Mr T pities the fool that stole the Green Destiny, but could Governor Yu be behind it all? Maybe not, but that wanted poster sure looks like his daughter's governess! Speaking of, Jen and Shu Lien become like total besties and Jen is shipping #ShuLiMu on her Tumblr. But Shu...