Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

The problem—  Addicts— tuned out; numbed out; in-denial; lack emotional “wholeness” skills; the opposite of mindfulness is the state of compulsion/addiction; truthful vs. hiding; open vs. isolated; confront vs. escape and avoid; resilient vs. fragile;  reality vs. fantasy; imposter vs. true/higher self Partners— In survival mode; trying to make it thru the day; intrusive thoughts; difficulty trust...

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a series of questions sent in by a PBSE listener. She and her partner are in good, solid recovery with a therapist and support groups. A major issue that has come up is her partner's long-standing "sexual fetish" which has ties to abuse he suffered as a child. The fetish is often triggered when he sees women in public. Here are the specific que...

In this episode Mark and Steve take on an issue that is more common than you might think. A PBSE listener wrote in about her partner who claims that "He no longer notices women because he's had a change of heart." Yet, his behaviors (some of them secret) appear to indicate otherwise. Is it possible for a guy to no longer "notice" any other woman but his partner? Is this ev...

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a VERY important issue—examining the nuances and roots of addiction behaviors. This is in response to a PBSE listener's question— "I recently discovered my husband hired a prostitute for himself while away on business. Since this discovery it’s come out that my husband was viewing porn and visiting massage parlors with regularity. My question, as we...

In response to a PBSE Listener's situation and question, Mark and Steve share some raw and real thoughts and feelings from their own "families of origin."  Here an excerpt from what the PBSE listener sent in— Mark & Steve,It’s been an absolute blessing to have discovered your podcast. My spouse and I listen regularly. To be blunt, Mark, he has said he relates so much with you in...

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a scenario and question from a PBSE listener— " Since my husband and I have gotten into recovery I struggle with still feeling like we are supposed to be having sex every three days or my husband will fall and it will be my fault. I still struggle with his decreased libido now that he isn't hyper-sexualize and can't help but feel triggered...

A PBSE listener writes in about her spouse who has been porn-free for over ten years. Yet, there are still many areas of his personal life and their relationship where there is room for growth and improvement. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about how "recovery" is about a WHOLE LOT MORE than just being "sober." When one gets into recovery, IF he or she can catch the full...

In this episode, Mark and Steve speak from the heart to a PBSE listener whose addict spouse passed away and now she finds herself wrestling with some horrific "what-ifs."  Here's the honest and courageous message she sent to Mark and Steve— Would this have happened if my spouse had married someone else?—Three years ago my marriage And my life as I knew it imploded upon learning that...

In this episode, Mark and Steve directly address a spouse's extremely difficult situation. Here's a small excerpt from the message she sent to PBSE— He has been an off and on again porn user through the years, and currently claims he is not using it. Since he has given it up, the demand for sex is nearly daily with clear expectations that “sex must happen every other day” or he will rela...

In this episode, Mark and Steve speak directly to a PBSE listener's in-depth question about sex being used as a substitute for true intimacy— "I love your podcast. I'd love to make a podcast topic request, if you're able . . .  "Question:  Can sex be used as an intimacy substitute? My husband wants lots of sex and cuddling, but then either avoids or only goes "into th...

Porn/sex addiction recovery and healing from betrayal trauma can be SO confusing, frustrating and even come to the place of hopelessness! In this episode Mark and Steve give you a view into their own recovery and healing journeys as well as their experiences as therapists. Learn what it takes to succeed in your recovery and healing efforts.  Find hope that as a couple you absolutely can come toget...

In Episode 127, Mark and Steve addressed the "Abuse Cycle" and its effects on addicts in recovery. In this episode, they talk directly to the partners of addicts. How does the Abuse Cycle impact partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma and their healing process? Factors to be aware of regarding the Abuse Cycle— -  Abuse from prior romantic/non-romantic relationships including childhood. T...

In this episode, Mark shares his own story of abuse as a child to illustrate how the "abuse cycle" is often directly related to addiction. -  The "Abuse Cycle"—  1)  Tension Builds   2) the "Incident"   3)  Reconciliation   4)  the "Calm" -  The Abuse Cycle is NOT an excuse for addiction but a VERY CRUCIAL EXPLANATION! -  Remember that "abuse" is i...

This heart-felt description, question and request comes from a PBSE listener— I’m a wife of 33yrs in betrayal trauma after finding husband on multiple times has had on and off affairs over 8 yrs with the same person and now found he is using drugs. Multiple addictions. I would like to set boundaries but I’m not part of his addictions as he does not turn to me. No sexual relationship in 2yrs betwee...

It's very normal for a betrayed spouse to seek to be safe and avoid being "blindsided" by more betrayal, by trying to "control" the addict spouse's recovery.  Here's how a PBSE listener describes this challenge— My addict is coming up on 2 years of sobriety and 5th D-Day. I am in therapy and he has been in therapy off and on, changing therapists a few times and s...

Masturbation is an extremely controversial topic these days; one that elicits a lot of heated debate. This is especially true when an addict spouse engages in masturbation alone and separate from his spouse. Here's what one PBSE listener had to say about this— Hello Mark and Steve- I want to say thank you so much for your weekly podcasts. I am a former client of Steve’s, and I still listen to...

There's a lot of heated debate out there about "what is pornographic" and "what is not." Too often in these arguments, the REAL ISSUES can get pushed aside. Recently, a PBSE listener and spouse, submitted the following with regard to her partner's use of "porn substitutes"— Just over a month ago, around 2 months into his latest recovery, I noticed my partner...

This is Part Three—the concluding episode on "How Mark and Steve moved from defensiveness to fighting for their marriages. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real to addicts in recovery about—HANGING BACK vs. LEADING OUT. -  When an addict in recovery "hangs back" in the marriage, what does that look like?            -  Checking-the-boxes attitude or "it wasn't o...

In "Part Two," Mark and Steve address a VERY difficult situation for recovery addicts and their spouses— HOW to navigate people and places that are "triggering" (for both the addict and the spouse)— -  A review of the people, situations and locations that can be triggering for both spouses. -  How an addict in recovery can use "grounding techniques" to successfully na...

One of the greatest challenges we face as sex/porn addicts in recovery is becoming "defensive" when our partners offer feedback, speak their truth, stand their ground, face triggering people or places, etc. We easily go into fight, flight or freeze and DEFEND ourselves as opposed to "fighting for our marriage"! In "Part One," Mark and Steve share their personal experi...

This PBSE episode is directed at single listeners and those already in a relationship. A PBSE listener who is single sent in the following quesiton— Hi there! I'm so grateful for your podcast- just found it last week on and feel I've already gained a lot. Here's something I'd love love love if y'all could address: For us single guys (and girls), at what point in recovery c...

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's question about her struggles with her partner lusting after a co-worker— Hello Mark & Steve,  My partner and I are currently in reconciliation from sex addiction and we are in our 4th month of monthly couples sessions as well as I recently started individual sessions. We really like our sex specialist, but he tells me to not pay...

Are you trying to break free from porn viewing and/or other unwanted sexual behaviors, but you just keep falling back into it?!  In this episode, Mark and Steve get real about their own struggles to attain lasting sobriety–what does it really take? How exactly do you get to that “permanent place of sobriety”? You may be surprised by the answer.   Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online p...

In this episode, Mark and Steve answer a spouse's questions about her addict husband and how she will KNOW that he is serious about recovery and no longer lying— My husband is in early recovery for his sex addiction which he has kept very well-hidden for years. We had our most recent D-Day’s 6 months ago at which time he swore that I knew everything and he was working on changing.. I was seei...

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a major challenge faced by many betrayed spouses—they keep uncovering and discovering their addict partner's relapses and bad behaviors. The addict may get some "sobriety" under his belt, but refuses to lead out by proactively pursuing his own recovery work. It seems the only time he does much of anything is when he "gets caught." He...