Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

How long should a spouse expect her addict partner to keep up his recovery? Doesn't there come a time when he can "back off" to some degree?  In this episode Mark and Steve answer an excellent set of questions offered by a PBSE listener. Here's what she had to say— My partner and I have been in recovery since February 2021. Your podcast has really helped pull us through some ro...

In this episode, Mark and Steve openly and passionately address a PBS listener's situation and questions. Here's what he asked—  I have been found out for the eighth time. I am working with my counselor to work on my recovery. She says she’s not sure how much longer she will stay in the marriage. I will not fail to work on my recovery this time. I am in a SAA twelve step group. I will wo...

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a situation and series of questions from a PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict and struggling with betrayal trauma. Here's what she had to say— Hi Mark and Steve. first off thank you for all that you do. my partner and I have been listening to your podcasts lately. I have a few concerns though that I'm seeking input on: he told me...

In episode 110, Mark and Steve addressed the responsibility that a recovering porn/sex addict has with regard to TV, movies and media--both for his own recovery and in creating the environment where his spouse can feel safe and heal. In this episode, Mark and Steve get super real about how crazy hard it can be for a betrayed spouse to trust her recovering addict husband around TV, movies, media an...

Something that can be a BIG issue for couples—when one is a porn/sex addict in recovery and the other is a betrayed spouse trying to heal—is TV, movies and media! A PBSE listener asked Mark and Steve about this— Hi guys! My husband and I are working through his sobriety and our recoveries. We found your podcast and are truly thankful we did, thank you so much!! I had a question regarding boundarie...

Resentment is a POWERFUL emotion!  And while it most certainly can be very legitimate based on actual events, history, betrayal, etc., it also acts as a HUGE BARRIER that can block us from moving forward in our recovery, healing and relationships. In this episode, Mark and Steve get real and dig deep on this issue— - What exactly is resentment? -  How can you navigate through your brain's own...

One of THE most important milestones in real recovery is when a porn/sex addict prepares a completely transparent and authentic "disclosure" of his past discretions and betrayals and then presents it to his spouse. This is often referred to as "D-day." And while the addict plays a key role in this process, there is also a VERY significant and essential focus on the betrayed spo...

When there has been Betrayal Trauma, it can seem impossible to ever dare to fully trust again. A PBSE listener describes this struggle as "foreboding joy"—things can be going OK in the relationship, even happy, but there's always this "shadow" in the background threatening to "blindside" her with another betrayal.  Here's how she describes it— I came into th...

There are MANY reasons the ego-addict part of the brain convinces us that we are entitled to escape into our addiction outlets. These can include:  I'm not getting enough sex from my spouse; I have no other way to cope with hard things; Every guy does this to some level; I've tried to quit a thousand times and it's impossible–I've resigned myself to it; You all expect too much...

Once you recognize that you and/or your partner are caught in a "Trauma Response," HOW can you intentionally move into a place of "Relationship Authenticity"?  Assuming you have completed and openly discussed your "trauma map," proceed as follows— -  Take a break from the situation—the people involved and/or the environment and circumstances. -  Pursue some sort of gr...

There are MANY "trauma triggers" that can create great conflict, pain and difficulty between partners. If you truly desire to work on mending your relationship and/or deepening your trust, connection and intimacy, it is CRITICAL that you each learn to recognize when you are becoming caught in a "Trauma Response." -  Why is this recognition SO important to your personal and part...

In this episode, Mark & Steve talk raw and real about why the traditional "New Year's Resolution" failed for them SO many times—and often had the effect of making their addictions even worse! What is the Psychology of the New Year's Resolution? Why do they often fail? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves, year after year??? The KEY to success is all about realistic, reaso...

In what can sometimes be the "hellish" experience of addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing, can we still find wonder, enjoyment and even a little "magic" in our special holidays and celebrations? In this episode Mark and Steve will share with you a very simple formulas they have personally used and taught to others--one that can help you find joy in the "little th...

Everyone faces different kinds of STRESS in everyday life. But, when we're in addiction recovery or healing from betrayal trauma, that stress is often multiplied and magnified! Then add on top of all of that "holiday stress" and you have a recipe for some daunting challenges! In this episode Mark and Steve talk about how crucial it is to have a personal and couple-ship "Bill of...

Although we can't quite believe it, this is PBSE's 100th Episode!!!  Thank you to all our listeners who made this possible! It would never have happened without YOU! In this episode, we talk about a SUPER important part of recovery and healing--HOW do we find HOPE in the midst of the immense struggle of addiction and the deep pain of betrayal trauma? Come with us as we explore Real Stori...

There are plenty of situations where an addict spouse wants to have sex all the time. There are situations where the spouse suffering from betrayal trauma does not feel safe having sex with their sexually addicted spouse, even when that spouse is in successful recovery. But what about a situation where a spouse is yearning for the healthy connection of sex, but her husband in recovery will NOT eng...

A PBSE listener recently sent in a situation and question— He has been in recovery and "clean" for a year. At one point during that year of recovery, his wife admitted to having an affair while he was in recovery. His question is— "How do I help my wife trust me again while I'm also having trouble trusting her?" - Why does "mutual betrayal" happen??? -  This is a...

We know—the title of this episode is INSANE!!!  But it comes from an actual question sent in by a PBSE listener— My partner and I are STUCK. We have been separated for almost a year now but living together for financial and child reasons. I have told him that he has to break up with his affair partner before I will agree to couples counseling. That goes without saying that I will not welcome him b...

Here's a question from a PBSE listener— I am a recovering sex and porn addict working on my recovery and trying to reconcile with my wife and heal our marriage. She is constantly asking questions as too why I looked at porn and web cams and also commented and looked at women with lust. I struggle to answer this question in a way that satisfies her if that’s even possible. Any way you can help...

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a listener who asks a very important question about one of her spouse's favorite pastimes—watching female professional wrestling. While this sounds pretty straight forward, there is a LOT to consider here! I caught [my husband] watching women’s wrestling and a very inappropriate video of the same. More than once in the last few months, he lied until...

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's sincere inquiry about HOW to move through his defensiveness in response to his wife's legitimate trauma triggers. Here's his message and question to PBSE— I am a sex and love addict, I have found that I perceive my life in negative defensive ways. When my wife pulls away from me for mental safety I perceive it as her wanti...

In this episode, Mark and Steve take on a PBSE listener's question about her husband's "claim of not being able to remember the details of his previous disclosures to her. Several months after he finally came clean and told her "everything," he backtracked and denied ever disclosing those things. Here's her description of the situation— Since then, he has said he does...

In this episode Mark and Steve respond to a very heart-felt question by a PBSE listener— My wife and I recently listened to your episode on healthy sex vs toxic sex. I realize now that for our whole marriage, sex has been toxic and me-centered. I asked my wife if she identified with the part in the episode where you said some wives discover feeling abused in this process and she said yes. This cru...

How do you know if your partner is telling you the truth about his porn use and other sexual behaviors?  A PBSE listener recently submitted this question and expressed her pain and confusion in a very raw and authentic way.  In this episode, Mark and Steve provide some guidance— Is “pornified” (objectified) language and behavior an indication he is still acting out? In many cases, yes. Regardless...

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a very heart-felt message and question from a PBSE listener:  a spouse struggling to forgive her porn-addicted spouse— How can you work through feeling like you can't forgive your spouse? The deception, gaslighting, secrecy, disrespect and disregard for others feelings is causing contempt that grows by the day. How can I forgive a man that spent most...