Love and Abuse

I get messages from those who are with someone who claims to have changed, but something doesn't feel right to them. What they feel is usually accurate. There are specific thoughts and feelings inside you that can help you tell if someone has actually changed and healed from being emotionally abusive, or if they still have a ways to go. 

When you've realized enough is enough but you're afraid that the kids will get a boatload of abusive behavior from a soon to be ex, knowing what to expect and how to respond to what happens next is the key to trying to maintain the healthiest relationship with your children.

Why can't they just change? Why don't they just stop hurting you? Sometimes they've built such a huge wall of protection around themselves that nothing can penetrate it. They keep doing what they're doing because they don't want you to see what's behind the wall. It's too vulnerable, and it might require them to express a part of themselves they've hidden away all their life. 

The emotionally abusive relationship can be a battle. In fact, it can be a series of battles that wear you down and eventually wear you out. But at what point are you so worn out that you do something different? Some toxic relationships last for decades and there is no end in sight. There's a point in time when something has to change, or nothing ever will. And that can be a hard pill to swallow. 

The person that hurts the one they love can do the behavior indefinitely unless someone is there to stop it. Usually, that someone has to be you. Stopping it however doesn't always come easy. Sometimes the person hurting you needs a wake-up call they can't ignore, shaking their foundation so much they have to pay attention.

Relationships can survive even when things are bad, but what about when things are never good but just functional? Is just functioning together good enough? Can you make it work?  Functioning together can make some of life easier, but not necessarily happier. I explore that topic today.  

Why do we return to toxic people over and over again? It's certainly not because we love to suffer. But maybe there's more going on that should be considered. Sometimes knowing the reasons can help you stop the round trips back to someone that doesn't seem to care if you're happy or not. 

Can low self-worth attract someone that makes you feel lower? Can people-pleasing attract a taker that never stops taking? There are many ways to become attracted to someone. But there are attractions that aren't always positive. It's important to know what about them makes them appealing when some qualities can be downright abusive.  LAA Insights is an addendum to the regular show that you'll fin...

A special episode answering a question from someone who isn't sure if they are the abuser and if they need to work on their own abusive behavior, even though there are clear signs they are being abused as well.    LAA Insights is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On Insights, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to prov...

Becoming dependent on someone can put you at their mercy sometimes. And if they are toxic, you are not only now dependent on them for certain things, but they make sure you continue to depend on them so you never get your wants and needs filled completely. It's like a bag of chips... you can never eat just one. You know they're bad for you, but you keep coming back. I talk about our dependencies i...

There can be some good excuses for hurtful behavior. With some excuses, it can be hard to differentiate between fact and fiction.  When someone uses their condition or illness to manipulate or control you, it can make it that much more difficult to get out from under their spell. 

Some abusive people know exactly how to lock you into the relationship so tight that you find it near impossible to get out of it. When that happens, the longer you wait, the worse it gets. No matter how deep you are, you need to do something right away unless you want to continue down a road that never ends.

Sometimes the emotional abuse stops. If and when it does, will you know who you are? Do you know where you went? Sometimes we lose ourselves in relationships like this because we are so busy trying to make the other person happy so they won't make us miserable. But that's probably not who you wanted to be. Finding yourself again can be the next challenge after the emotional abuse stops.   https://...

How can you respond or react in the most concise, clear and healthy way so that their annoyance or frustration with you doesn't turn into another toxic event in your relationship?  Learning to respond in the most healthy way possible can make the difference between another argument with misunderstandings and confusion, and something that could be cleared up fast.  For more episodes, visit loveanda...

You are not to blame for getting into a toxic relationship. It is not your fault. However, there is a way you process bad behavior that may be working against you causing you to get into bad relationships over and over again. Sometimes we do things that raise our levels of toleration so high, that we can't recognize just how hot the water has gotten.   Visit loveandabuse.com for more episodes.

Needy and clingy people can become obsessive and emotionally abusive. They will find ways to keep tabs on you so that they are always on your mind. They need constant attention and there's little you can do to make them happy except to be with them all the time. Neediness can turn into bad behavior to the point where unless you comply with everything they want, they'll make you believe you're bein...

It's hard enough dealing with a hurtful person. You know they are going to show up in a certain way almost every time so you get used to it. However, what if they start convincing your friends and family that you're the one hurting them? What if they play the victim? This is an episode filled with tools to help those you care about and are supposed to care about you see that perhaps their percepti...

What's the best course of action when it comes to leaving the emotional abuser? Should you sit them down and have the "the talk", or is talking going to get you sucked into another conversation that causes you to stay out of guilt or being convinced you're wrong? They're likely to convince you of doing things their way so it may not go any differently during "the talk."

When you're in any type of difficult or emotionally abusive relationship, a violation of your relationship boundaries has probably already taken place. After all, you didn't sign up to feel like crap all the time or be unhappy. So is it okay to seek someone outside the relationship when you can't get your emotional needs met within the relationship you're in? I tackle that tough question in this e...

When you've had enough and you can't take anymore, but you stay and take more, you end up in an endless cycle of love and abuse. If you're afraid to stay because things are bad, but also afraid to leave because you don't know any other way to live your life, it's time to get real clear on what you really want.

How bad does it have to get before you're convinced that the person you're dealing with is never, ever going to change? And how much more hurtful behavior has to happen before you decide enough is enough? Sometimes we are so jaded by and used to emotionally abusive behavior that we forget what being treated with kindness and respect means.

What happens when the hurtful behavior stops and you are free to be yourself? Does the relationship now go back to normal like nothing ever happened? It can, but it rarely does. In fact, most victims of emotional abuse want the person who hurt them to feel what they went through. They want the abuser to suffer. Is that reciprocal emotional abuse? That's the question I answer in this episode.

Emotionally abusive people usually drain all of your energy. It's rare that they leave the relationship because they get their power from taking yours. There can be two or three main reasons they leave, but no matter what the reason is, there's almost always a trail of destruction behind them.

What happens when you've had enough of the bad behavior and want the other person to leave you alone? In a family situation, that might be easier to do since you may not live together. In a romantic relationship however, that can be a bit harder. What if the other person doesn't want to go? What do you do then? It's time to get clear on what you want so that you convey the right message that canno...

Emotional abuse in any relationship is made up of numerous behaviors, many of which can be quite hard to detect. When you're trying to pinpoint the exact behaviors causing difficulties in your relationship, it can be helpful to understand the subtleties.