How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man

This week on How to Find & Keep a Gay Man , the Matts are getting intimate —with the five love languages, that is. You know the ones: words, touch, quality time, gifts, and doing the damn dishes (aka acts of service). We break down how each style shows up in gay relationships—and yes, we spill the tea on our own, too. But here’s the twist: it’s not just about your love language. We’re asking y...

In a world dominated by DMs, double taps, and endless scrolling, meaningful face-to-face conversations can feel like a lost art—especially in dating. Inspired by a chat with one of our listeners, this episode dives into the challenges and nuances of real-life connection. From first dates to long-term relationships, we explore how to move beyond texting and social media exchanges to engage in deepe...

In this episode of How to Find and Keep a Gay Man, we’re tackling the “checklist syndrome” that might be keeping you from finding love. Do you have a laundry list of must-haves for your perfect partner—hot, rich, smart, fit, kind, and dog-loving (but not too obsessed)? Have your “non-negotiables” become armor to keep you safe from vulnerability and rejection? Join us as we dissect how unrealistic...

In this episode of How to Find and Keep a Gay Man, the Matts dive deep into the bittersweet journey of finding and losing GOOD gay men. They explore the complex reasons behind breakups—whether initiated by us or by our partners. By identifying and discussing four internal blocks that may hinder our ability to maintain relationships (gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs) the...

In this episode of How to Find and Keep a Gay Man , we’re diving deep into the signs that help us navigate the dating world: red flags and green lights. Red flags are more than just personality quirks—they’re indicators that someone may not share the values necessary for a long-term relationship. If you're looking for a forever partner, it's essential to recognize when someone’s behavior o...

In this episode of How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man, we tackle the difficult and often painful topic of cheating in gay male relationships, whether they’re monogamous or open. We explore the main reasons why people cheat on their spouses or boyfriends, diving into the complexities that can lead to betrayal, from unmet emotional needs to societal pressures. We'll also discuss practical ways t...

On this episode of How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man , the Matts delve into the emotional journey of remaining hopeful while waiting for love. They explore the common challenges many people face in the search for a meaningful relationship, such as: 1. External obstacles 2. Internal self-doubt 3. The complexities of modern dating Listeners will learn practical strategies to nurture hope, including...

In this episode of "How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man," The Matts dive into the essential topic of building a supportive and healthy community. Join us as we explore the steps to finding and creating a network of friends and allies who uplift and inspire you. We discuss why having a strong, supportive community is crucial for personal growth, mental health, and maintaining healthy relat...

In this enlightening episode, The Matts delve into the research of Dr. Roger K. Allen, PhD, to explore four toxic relationship patterns commonly observed in gay male relationships. Dr. Allen, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, has dedicated his career to understanding the dynamics that can both strengthen and undermine romantic partnerships. We will discuss: 1. escalation 2. invalida...

In this reflective episode, we delve into the poignant concept of "bridge relationships" — those transformative bonds that may not last forever, but crucially pave the way to lasting connections. We explore how dwelling on past bitterness can obstruct our personal growth and hinder the invaluable lessons these relationships will teach us. We also discuss the power of embracing gratitude...

In this powerful episode of How to Find (& Keep) A Gay Man, The Matts delve into the heart-wrenching journey of Matt Heincker’s battle with overwhelming despair and suicidal thoughts as a closeted gay man in college. As he stands on the precipice of darkness, contemplating the end, Heincker finds himself grappling with his identity and the fear of rejection from those he holds dear. Yet, amids...

WE ARE BACK!!!! And we’re thrilled to announce the return of "How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man" for its much-anticipated SEASON 2 . Join hosts, Matt Bays and Matt Heincker, as they bring fresh perspectives and enlightening experiences to the table. Matt Bays recounts his global adventures alongside his husband, distilling the essence of what makes a thriving partnership in the LGBTQ+ c...

In this thought-provoking episode, we delve into the intricate dance of maintaining autonomy while fostering deep connections in our gay relationships. Join us as we unravel the complexities of balancing independence and togetherness, exploring how codependence and attachment styles impact our romantic journeys. The Matts share insights on striking the right harmony between personal growth and sha...

In the episode The Aging Queen, Matt & Matt delve into the poignant topic of aging anxiety within the gay community. They candidly explore the fears, challenges, and emotional dynamics that arise as gay men confront the prospect of growing older. Listeners will hear personal stories as The Matts recount their experiences grappling with societal pressures, beauty standards, and the fear of losi...

On parts 1 & 2, the Matts debunked biblical scriptures about “the sin” 🙄 of homosexuality and also shared their personal stories on how the church kept them stuck, living as heterosexuals while they were closeted, super gay homosexuals. 🥳 Now, in this final installment of “The Lord is My Shepherd and She Knows I’m Gay,” they talk about viable options for moving forward spiritually. What does...

On part 2 of “The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay,” the Matts talk about the impact of being raised in a non-affirming christian environment by sharing their personal stories. They discuss their conservative church upbringing, the pursuit of “healing” their sexual orientation as young gay men, the negative impact of conservative christian therapy, suicidal ideation, and how they finally...

Combined, the Matts have over 90 years of church experiences insisting that who they are (gay) is wrong. But they have moved into full acceptance of themselves. In this first installment of a three-part series, The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay , Matt and Matt take on the one issue that has plagued queer people since gay dinosaurs roamed the gay earth… RELGION. They tell us what the b...

Welcome to our LAST EPISODE OF PRIDE, BITCHEROONIES! We are talking about CHOSEN FAMILY. Do you have one? Why do you NEED one? How do you BUILD one? Many of us lost our family or friends when we came out. And even for those of us who didn’t, we may not be able to fully be ourselves around family—to talk about our BIG GAY LIVES because there is level of discomfort surrounding the issue. Enters chos...

It’s STILL Pride, bitches! And in this episode, the Matts tackle the complicated subject of TOXIC MASCULINITY . What is it? How have we been impacted by it? What does it mean to be a “real man” and what does authenticity have to do with it? And the BIG question: How are we STILL changing ourselves or our behavior (trying to be more or less masculine than we actually are) to be accepted by those wh...

It’s PRIDE, bitches! For the month of June, How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man has changed its name to How to Find (& Keep) Our Gay PRIDE. Each week we’ll be focusing on an aspect of PRIDE that has impacted our lives. In this episode, we’re serving a little PRIDE history, being proud of who you are no matter who you love, and fighting homophobia. (The category is…knife fight eleganza!) Also… W...

A survey on love and forgiveness reported that each year in the United States there are over 300 million Google searches on the topic of forgiveness, while 62% of Americans strongly agree that they need more forgiveness in their personal lives. Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community has brought challenges that have opened the door for resentment and bitterness in our lives. In former relationships a...

When your partner speaks to you or asks something of you, what percentage of the time would you say you are attentive? Or do you respond at all? Surprisingly, how often we honor these “bids for attention” (or don’t) reveals if our relationship will be satisfying, chronically unhappy, or if it will last. In episode 19, The Matts discuss the Gottman Theory called, “Bids for Attention.” A bid for att...

In The Art of Intimacy we explore the four pathways to intimacy. And we ask the question, “How do we experience mutual vulnerability, closeness without barriers, and deep abiding trust? Do you see the most real, authentic, and vulnerable places in your partner, boyfriend, or husband? Many of our relationships do not go beyond the surface deeply enough to find true intimacy. We all have natural bar...

Has your relationship become routine, monotonous, boring? Believe it or not, boredom is the silent killer of romantic relationships. So, what do we do when the relationship stops giving us life? How do we keep things mucho caliente? In “Keeping it Spicy,” the Matts talk about what to do when the sex tapers off, the connection diminishes, and the future with our man only creates a sense of anxiety....

Welcome to Part 2 of “Body-Ody-Ody: BFF or Frenemy? Self-Love or Self-Loathe?” Body image is an issue within the gay community…period. It can be a huge barrier in your personal growth, development, and in your capacity to find and keep your gay man. In episode 16, the Matts discuss the 3 toxic things imbedded in the gay culture construct: objectification, comparison, and ageism. Also discussed are...