Hops and Box Office Flops

Road House is everything an action movie should be. Its premise is over the top, its plot is utterly nonsensical, and none of the people involved seem to be aware of it. Starring Patrick Swayze, who was fresh off of Dirty Dancing, Road House presents the all too relatable plot of: What if you're a doorman in a small town run by a vengeful crook? Well, if you're Dalton (Swayze), you beat the snot o...

Deadbeat at Dawn is essentially a student film. Jim Van Bebber, Chumpzilla's childhood neighbor, dropped out of college and used his student loans to fund it. It's unapologetic exploitation cinema from the warped mind of Van Bebber, and it is glorious. It's violent, obscene, odd, overwritten, and surprisingly boasts action scenes that outshine crap we've done on the pod from far more expensive mov...

The  Matrix Resurrections  ushers us back into the false and hollow reality that is the Matrix. It's been 18 years since we've entered the virtual dystopia. And the last time we were thrust into its oppressive confines, the results were less than stellar. 1999's original two sequels sort of divided general audiences. The visuals and exceptional stunts were still there, but the message was lost in...

End of Days  was Arnold Schwarzenegger's triumphant return to the big screen after a two-year hiatus. Suffice to say, it was an odd choice of comebacks. End of Days centers around Satan's quest to bring about, well, the end of days by consummating his relationship with the woman destined to be the mother of his child. It certainly has action scenes, but it's more religious horror than anything els...

8-Bit Christmas  chronicles a boy's quest to get a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) for Christmas in 1988. That plot evokes memories of both A Christmas Story—which it clearly pays homage to—and How I Met Your Mother—a show also starring one Neil Patrick Harris. As a more modern take on the familiar tale of a child's quest to attain what his parents are reluctant to get,  8-Bit Christmas  doesn...

Out Cold is like someone spliced Caddyshack and  Mallrats . In principle, that sounds awesome, right? Well, unfortunately, that's more in terms of concept—a group of shiftless park rats bumming around their place of work—and the presence of a London brother. In Out Cold, it's Jason, rather than Jeremy. I guess there's slightly more to it. They do have to save their fledgling ski resort from an evi...

Home Sweet Home Alone is the epitome of a lazy, soulless rehash; and, quite frankly, it is the antithesis of how you leverage a valuable IP. Disney should be ashamed. With their abundance of resources, they trotted out not only one of the worst films of the year, it's one of the worst of the decade. Home Sweet Home Alone is never funny. It is quite often painful, though, and that's not including t...

Terminator Genisys is a hodgepodge of ideas from more beloved Terminator films. It gives us the gruff and tough Sarah Connor, as well as the sleek and dangerous T-1000; and it even features an Arnold versus Arnold face-off in 1984 amid the familiar backdrop of the original T-800's arrival. There's only one issue: None of it particularly works. Terminator Genisys feels more like half-baked fan fict...

The Rocketeer  is a beloved 1991 Disney film. Based on Dave Stevens' comic series, which debuted in 1982, it revolves around stunt pilot Cliff Secord's (Bill Campbell) fortuitous discovery of a jetpack created by Howard Hughes. Of course, adventure ensues. The character was created as a tribute to the 1930s serials that had inspired wonder in the youth of their day. Both the comics and film execut...

Snake Eyes continues the unfortunate legacy of the legendary G.I. Joe toys on film. As in, it's not particularly good, nor was it successful. Snake Eyes, like many films nowadays, is meant to serve as an origin story for its titular hero, but also as an introduction to a larger universe. We get appearances from Cobra's Baroness, as well as the classic Joe Scarlett. The issue is they don't necessar...

The Lone Ranger  is a modern adaptation of the popular 1930s radio series, as well as the late 1940s/1950s television show. It features a masked hero, the titular one, and his trusty Native American sidekick, Tonto. After decades of inaction, Disney went big to bring the duo back. They re-teamed Gore Verbinski with Johnny Depp—who’d collaborated on the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies;...

Dune , based upon Frank Herbert's classic 1965 novel, has been done before on both big screen and small, but never to this scope or scale. Denis Villeneuve—given the resources and technology—has crafted a faithful and awe-inspiring interpretation of the novel's first half. Thankfully—based upon recent remarks—Paul Atreides' adventure will not end here. This is literally half a story. And without t...

Club Dread —Broken Lizard's follow up to Super Troopers—is a riff on 80s slasher films; and it boasts a cast of characters that are eclectic, dumb, horny, and ripe for the picking. This, of course, is anchored by the Broken Lizard crew. There's Dave, the drug-addled DJ (Paul Soter); Putnam, the buttoned-up tennis coach (Jay Chandrasekhar); Sam, the chief of the Fun Police (Erik Stolhanske); Lars,...

They Live  is a bonafide cult classic. And it works not only as a critique on rampant consumerism and Reagan-era economics, but also as a guilty pleasure action movie. The premise is simple: Nada—played by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper—is awakened to the horrific reality the world is actually living in through the lenses of special sunglasses. That world is one run by an unknown alien race, who are bleeding...

Event Horizon  was Paul W.S. Anderson's follow up to Mortal Kombat. At the time, he was highly sought after. In the wake of that movie's success, he was offered the sequel to MK and even an X-Men film, amongst other things. Wanting to veer away from PG-13 fare, Anderson settled on Event Horizon. The basic premise of the film is that a salvage crew is dispatched to secure the titular ship, the Even...

Tin Cup  re-teams director Ron Shelton with his Bull Durham star Kevin Costner. The pairing, which was stellar in 1988’s Durham, fails to rediscover the magic of that film. That’s primarily because Roy McAvoy, the titular Tin Cup, just isn’t likable. He’s an obtuse man-child—much more akin to “Nuke” Laloosh than “Crash” Davis. And his foibles, which are on full display throughout, are never adequa...

Ed is a movie centering around a chimpanzee who just so happens to be exceptional at baseball. As a concept, that sounds ridiculous, but kids movies have worked with that conceit—take Air Bud as an example. But Ed is a travesty. Plain and simple. It's unfunny, nonsensical schlock, and it probably killed the notion that Matt LeBlanc could be bankable as a leading man. The film's failings are not hi...

Side Out —which stars C. Thomas Howell and Peter Horton as Monroe Clark and Zack Barnes—is the quintessential beach volleyball movie. There is a distinct lack of competition in that field, but regardless, it is a 1990s filmmaking delight. The central conceit of Side Out is that Clark, an aspiring lawyer, comes to California to intern for his uncle Max—an unscrupulous attorney who's always out for...

The Program is a highly embellished glimpse at the perils of big time collegiate football. The prioritization of wins over the actual molding of young minds is at its center, but so is football's innate ability to form lasting bonds. The men who take the field put their bodies on the line for each other. It's a brotherhood. It nails both of those aspects. The shadiness of the folks in charge is om...

Last Man Standing  is the American reimagining of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo (1961), though it wasn't the first reinterpretation. The Spaghetti Western A Fist Full of Dollars (1964) had tread this ground before—a man with no name caught up in the exacerbating violence of warring gangs. Unlike the Italian-produced film, Last Man Standing was given Kurosawa's blessing. Unfortunately, it can't replicat...

Hudson Hawk is as bold a movie as an A-list star could possibly choose to make. And that's a compliment. Bruce Willis, most famous for playing gruff cop John McClane, stars as cat burglar Eddie Hawkins—the titular Hudson Hawk. He's tasked with stealing artifacts crafted by Leonardo da Vinci that are capable of turning lead into gold. On the surface, that sounds like a fairly standard action-centri...

Cop Out is a humorless retread of the buddy cop trope. Directed by Kevin Smith, though not written by him, it lacks the key ingredient to this tried and true formula—charismatic leads. Bruce Willis, as Jimmy, sleepwalks through the entire film. Tracy Morgan, as his partner Paul, tries dutifully to carry his lifeless husk across the finish line. But, alas, he cannot. No amount of improv or overacti...

James Gunn's  The Suicide Squad , which is a pseudo-sequel to 2016's film, is an unapologetic, Troma-inspired, super heroic gore fest. And it is glorious! This is Gunn's superhero magnum opus. He dives deep into DC's bag of obscure characters to assemble a ragtag group of expendable heathens. Make no mistake, many of these oddballs are here to die. And they do so in a series of grotesque ways. Thi...

Die Hard is arguably the greatest action movie ever made. A Good Day to Die Hard, on the other hand, is a soulless husk that's related to the prior entries in name only. Certainly, the character of John McClane, Bruce Willis, became progressively more absurd with each sequel. He'd gone from isolated cop, surviving on instinct and guile, to literally a super human battling a fighter jet on a highwa...

F9: The Fast Saga —as utterly absurd as it is—is the natural progression of a series that's always running on overdrive. Dominic Toretto, Vin Diesel, and co. were destined for this film's convoluted, bloated, and baffling narrative. Now, those may sound like knocks against it, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't care how illogical the plots of these films have become. They ar...