Hops and Box Office Flops

Legend  is a bizarre fantasy fever dream—one rife with an excess of pollen, bubbles, and glitter. These things are literally everywhere, folks. They flood the beautiful scenery and are unrelenting. Also unrelenting is the film's glaring lack of plot. If you kill the unicorns, the world will be cloaked in darkness. That's the movie. Jack o' the Green, Tom Cruise, must atone for his mistake of intro...

Krull  is a pseudo cult classic. It's got some kick ass box art and a host of ideas that nostalgia clouds as being awesome. But when revisiting it, neither of those two things amount to much. Why? Well, Krull is chock full world-building. It's got a Cyclops, a cannibalistic spider, horses whose speed creates a trail of flame, and so much more. But none of them are fleshed out all that well; and mo...

2011's Conan the Barbarian  is as bad of a reboot of a classic film as you are going to find. It's just a mess, folks. Its script is often witless, contradicting itself multiple times; and its cast—as distinguished as some of their careers may be—just don't fit the roles. Worst of all, Jason Mamoa, who plays the titular hero, just didn't appear ready to bear the weight of Conan's broad sword. As m...

From the directing team of Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski—the latter of which directed indie hit PG: Psycho Goreman— The Void  is a tension-fueled ride that relies heavily on practical effects and pace to maximize its sense of dread. It works. And it is worth your investigation, especially if you are a fan of Lovecraftian horror. Those inspirations are quite evident. The Void involves a cul...

The Rundown  is a legitimately good action movie. Directed by Peter Berg, in what was his second feature film, it showcases the Rock's size and athletic abilities—while also utilizing his expansive charm. It was an indicator for how well rounded he could be as a leading man. One of the movie's tests of that is its pairing of him with Seann Williams Scott and Christopher Walken. The former is his c...

Walking Tall  is a remake of 1973 film starring Joe Don Baker. It's also "inspired" by a real-life sheriff, Buford Pusser, who patrolled the crime-laden streets of McNairy County, Tennessee, with a crudely fashioned cudgel. That's essentially the movie. The Rock walks softly and carries a big stick. As a conceit, that sounds like it could be pretty badass. Walking Tall is just executed poorly. It'...

Doom  carries on the proud tradition of terrible video game movies. It's bad, folks. Real bad. Most offensive, it basically does nothing to harness the insanity of the property that inspired it. This is a Doom movie in name only. Sure, the BFG is in it, sort of; and there are hellacious creatures. They are just mostly uninspired fare. Well, maybe they're inspired, but you can't see them because th...

Baywatch  is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth. That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its...

Big Trouble in Little China is a seminal 80s movie, and it may just be John Carpenter's best work . Starring Kurt Russell—a frequent Carpenter collaborator—as the braggadocios Jack Burton, it takes a familiar formula (the action/comedy team up) and escorts it into a superbly crafted world of ancient Chinese mysticism and mayhem. It subverts audience expectations in other ways, as well. Burton—for...

The Chronicles of Riddick  is the big budget sequel to 2000's more reasonably priced and plotted Pitch Black. Both feature Richard B. Riddick (Vin Diesel), a wanted ex-con and master of navigating the dark. He's an anti-hero—a man who has done bad things, but who we root for because of his devil may care attitude. It was an archetype that worked perfectly in Pitch Black, as well as the third film...

Mortal Kombat  marks the return of the legendary video game franchise to the big screen for the first time in 24 years. Considering its wild success on consoles, the gap is hard to fathom. Certainly Annihilation sort of poisoned the well, but the 1995 original remains popular, as does its techno theme song. The one thing most would agree on, though, is that 95's lack of an R-rating kept it from tr...

Fight Club  hasn't aged well. And that's putting it mildly. It wasn't that David Fincher and company didn't have something to say. Certainly, they did. It's more that the message is muddled and often lost amidst the overpowering stardom of Brad Pitt. You cast a movie star, you get a virtuoso performance. That's generally not an issue, but when the character is meant to represent the reprehensible,...

Pacific Rim  is Guillermo del Toro's homage to the Kaiju movies that fascinated him in his youth. To that end, it is a lovingly crafted and often beautiful film that delivers on the promise of its premise. What is the conceit? Well, in short, Jaegers—giant Earth-protecting mechs—fight invading Kaiju who emerge from a rift within the Pacific Ocean. And for all the movie's foibles—the plot has many—...

Godzilla vs Kong  is a historic rivalry, yet it has been 59 years since these two giants of cinema last traded blows. That seems far too long, but fortunately for the "Monsterverse," the timing couldn't have been better. In our  King of the Monsters (KotM) episode , Chumpzilla and I were bullish about the future of this series. We knew this movie would at least be made, but short of a miraculous r...

Ang Lee's Hulk is ponderous—absurdly so—and mostly revolves around the gruesome father/son relationship between Bruce (Eric Bana) and David Banner (Nick Nolte). Reportedly, Lee wanted the film to evoke the weighty emotions of a Greek tragedy. It certainly does generate a palpable response, but it's apathy. For a movie whose title character is a big, green, rage monster, the Hulk is seldom seen for...

Zack Snyder's Justice League  is a cinematic anomaly. When Snyder had to step away due to a family tragedy, Warner Bros. (WB) essentially hacked the material he left them to bits. Under the guidance of Joss Whedon, Snyder's originally footage was morphed into a soulless attempt to capture the magic of the MCU. It didn't work—a topic we explored in-depth on our  Joss-Stache League  episode. That fi...

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance , which is a sequel to the 2007 original, is so insane it almost works. Nicolas Cage, the Rider or Johnny Blaze, goes full Cage. It's equal parts glorious and dumbfounding. That is the movie in a nutshell. For everything that works—such as the Rider possessing humongous construction equipment—there are far too many other elements that do not. From the dude from Emp...

Joss-stache League  (Justice League) is a cobbled together mess. It's the Frankenstein's monster of movies. I wish that were an understatement, but, sadly, it is not; and though it bears Zack Snyder's name in the credits, it is not his movie. According to Fabian Wagner, the original cut's cinematographer, up to 90% of what they shot is not in it. That's right, folks: In under two months, Joss Whed...

Green Lantern  is a mess—an expensive one, at that. Its horrid CGI suit tells all the tales one needs to know about how misguided the project was. And it was a misfire that had serious ramifications. In 2011, Green Lantern was meant to serve as the kickoff to a new DC movie universe. That notion was immediately squashed. On a budget over $200 million, it grossed just $219.9 million worldwide. Wors...

Top Secret!  was the team of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker's follow up to their incredibly successful Airplane! It, like its predecessor, is an indescribably goofy movie—full of off the wall gags, jokes, and non-sequiturs. If you have seen Airplane!, you will understand what kind of humor it is. These guys were the kings of this style of comedy, and Top Secret! certainly lives up to...

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever  is bad. Like truly awful. Its plot is convoluted; its action is often nonsensical and unimaginative; and it does little to capitalize on its star power. Antonio Banderas literally has nothing to do. This guy was El Mariachi in Desperado, for Pete's sake. Let him do more than smoke cigarettes and drink. Anyway, there is a boat load of slow motion, if you're into that. Mos...

If Looks Could Kill  is a piece of vintage 90s cinema. It takes a young star—presumably on the rise—and tasks them with elevating a sub-par film. It's a challenge many budding leading men have been burdened with. Richard Grieco—most famously Dennis Booker from the  21 Jump Street TV show and its spin-off Booker—is not quite up to the task. His big screen woes mirror that of his small screen ones....

The Long Kiss Goodnight is obnoxious, loud, and dumb. In other words, most action movies of the 80s and 90s. It's also hopelessly convoluted and botches its central premise—that of an amnesic suburban housewife who has forgotten that she used to be an assassin. Starring Geena Davis—in her second collaboration with former husband Renny Harlin—as Samantha Caine (the innocent)/Charly Baltimore (the n...

Wayne's World 2 came hot off the heels of its smash hit predecessor. The first—which remains the most successful Saturday Night Live-inspired film—grossed over $180 million worldwide. Suffice to say, Wayne's World 2 could not replicate that success. Earning just $48 million on double the budget ($40 million), its returns were a disappointment. Some would say they, "licked the cat's butt." The dism...

Stuart Saves His Family  is a textbook example of how not all sketches are meant to be made into films. If it's not the worst Saturday Night Live adaptation, it's certainly close. Based on  Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley , as well as an in-character novel by Al Franken (the movie's star), the film never seems to understand what made Smalley work in the first place. Worse, it's not at all fu...