Hops and Box Office Flops

Predators  is the ideal set up for a sequel to the 1987 original. It includes a cast of eclectic mercenaries being pursued by the titular create. Only this time, there are three of them, and it's on their home turf. Yes, Predators takes us back to lush jungles, which, honestly, are a much more interesting backdrop for the hunt than either LA or a small town. Yet, the setting is not the only good i...

Fans of the franchise, like us, now doubt had high hopes for Shane Black's The Predator . Black, who'd appeared in the original as Hawkins and even served as a script doctor on set, is a legend of action movie scriptwriting. The Predator, unfortunately, fails in almost every way. The humor is overwritten and overstuffed; the characters are thin and generally unlikeable; the plot makes no sense; an...

Predator 2  isn't a bad movie; it's just a disappointing one. That's mainly because it pales in comparison to its predecessor, failing to up the ante in any meaningful way. Sure, there is more gore and curse words, but the narrative is a mess. Predator 2 is just an amalgamation of better movies from the genre with the adversarial alien added to the mix. That works just enough for it not to be a to...

The Alamo , directed by John Lee Hancock, is a historical look at the tragic storming of the mission turned fort in 1836 Texas. Though the film boasts incredible sets, well shot historical action, and a wonderful ensemble, it was a box office dud. In fact, it is one of the biggest bombs in history, losing an estimated $146 million. That's nearly 10 Louisiana Purchases. Critics didn't help its pros...

Ridley Scott's   The Last Duel depicts the final trial by combat in 14th Century France. The titular duel involved Knight Jean de Carrouges (Matt Damon) and Squire Jacques le Gris (Adam Driver), battling over le Gris' alleged rape of Carrouges' wife Marguerite (Jodie Comer). Yes, folks, this is a heavy movie, but it is also a very good one. The sets, the costumes, the acting—which includes a wonde...

Almost Heroes  is the final leading role of comedy legend Chris Farley. Five months prior to its release, he tragically died of an overdose. With that dark cloud hanging over the film, it's not altogether surprising it suffered at the box office. On a budget of $30 million, it grossed just $6.1 million. Its 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes probably didn't help either. For fans of Farley's work, though...

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is a dramatic reimagining of the Arthurian legend. It is also evokes much of its director's hallmark traits. This is Guy Ritchie's take on King Arthur, for better and for worse. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword was a gamble. Budgeted at $175 million and with five sequels planned, WB had franchise desires in mind for it. With that much at stake, it's odd they would...

Dracula Dead and Loving It is a typical Mel Brooks movie. It's a spoof of Bram Stoker's Dracula that's light on plot, but full of goofy gags and childish humor. Unfortunately, it lacks the biting wit of most Brooks films. Despite the unending charms of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, who portrays the titular Count, too many of the jokes simply do not land. Critics tend to agree. At 11% on Rotten Tom...

Morbius  is perhaps the most needless comic book movie ever made. Centered around a D-level Spider-Man villain, it lacks several crucial ingredients. First and foremost, Spider-Man is not in Morbius. In fact, contrary to what the trailers will have you believe, he's barely even mentioned. Thus, it's just a film about an anti-hero who's uninteresting. That would be fine if the plot, script, acting,...

Vampire in Brooklyn is the antithesis of funny. Worse, it's not at all scary either. When assessing who was involved in its production, neither of those statements should be true. Directed by horror master Wes Craven and principally written by Eddie Murphy (the film's star), the pedigree was there for it to be a comedic-scare fest. Instead, it's a muddled and confused mess that too often borders o...

Gallow Walkers  is wild west Blade, only if Blade was terrible and went straight to DVD. With a $17 million budget, that probably wasn't the plan. But, shit happens and Gallow Walkers is indeed that unsavory term. It's sort of a shame because the movie isn't devoid of interesting ideas. It just executes them poorly, is stuffed with an insane amount of backstory for a 90-minute film, and boasts cos...

The Sorcerer's Apprentice  is an ode to Disney's 1940 film Fantasia. Born from an idea Nicolas Cage had, it builds an entire mythos from that brief section of the aforementioned film. Balthazar Blake, Cage, is a sorcerer searching for the rightful heir to Merlin—his former master. He was given a ring by the legendary wizard as he lie dying. That ring will signal the chosen one, who happens to be a...

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is an absolute joy bomb for fans of Nicolas Cage. Playing a fictionalized version of himself, Cage delivers a top-tier performance. It should remind everyone that, to summarize his character in the film, he never really went anywhere. This is as thoughtful and well written an ode to the long, winding career of Cage could be. He's able to channel his younger...

Mandy is an absolutely bonkers, psychedelic acid trip loaded with blood, violence, and raw nerve. It's a tragic film—one where a man witnesses his beloved be burned alive by a religious cult. This action, of course, leaves him no other option than revenge. The brutality, though visually striking, is only a small portion of the movie's brilliance. Directed by Panos Cosmatos—son of famed director Ge...

Willy's Wonderland is delightful schlock. An unabashed Five Nights at Freddy's ripoff, it stars Nicolas Cage as the Janitor—the silent protagonist who is stuck cleaning Willy's Wonderland to pay off a debt. It should come as no surprise that the titular establishment is not on the level. In fact, its troupe of animatronic mascots are actually reanimated serial killers who committed ritualistic sui...

Black Friday is like if someone took Dawn of the Dead, Army of Darkness, and The Mist, threw them all in a blender, but somehow removed any of the ingredients that made those films so memorable. Biting social criticism? Well, it is there; it just doesn't work. Humor and over the top, practical gore? Both are in far too short supply. Dramatic tension? Sorry, there are no real scares to speak of. Th...

Annihilation is based upon a 2014 novel of the same name. And it is director Alex Garland's follow up to his highly acclaimed directorial debut Ex Machina. Like that title, Annihilation is much more than the sum of its parts. Certainly, it is a Sci-Fi film where a team of women head into the unknown, the Shimmer as its called, to identify the source of the invading entity. But that is just the sur...

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City is the seventh live-action iteration of the storied video game franchise. Sadly, like its predecessors, it fails to live up to the legacy of the series. Yes, folks, Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City is yet another uninspired video game adaptation. But unlike the Paul W.S. Anderson saga, this at least sticks close to the source material. Raccoon City is a...

The Happening is a cinematic travesty. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan, it has zero in common with some of his finer work. For one thing, it lacks even the hint of a twist—a hallmark of his better movies. It's also painfully stupid. Boasting Mark Wahlberg as high school science teacher Elliot Moore. Yes, you read that right; he's a science teacher. The Happening is little more than a premise. What...

Showdown in Little Tokyo  is indisputably a bad movie, but that doesn't mean it isn't a heck of a lot of fun. Starring Dolph Lundgren as Sgt. Chris Kenner and Brandon Lee as his partner Johnny Murata, it desperately wants to be Lethal Weapon. Unfortunately, it lacks the wit, charm, and overall directing acumen that film had. Instead, this is a low budget 90s flick with a seedy aesthetic that rises...

Double Team  is an ill conceived 1997 action film that attempts to capitalize on the waning star power of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. Though each had experienced much success in their respective careers, this came far after each of their sell by dates. For Van Damme, who stars as Jack Quinn, a series of misses and a well known issue with drugs took their toll. The latter can be said f...

Firestorm , which is essentially Die Hard set amidst a forest fire, is as bad as you'd expect a movie that stars an ex-NFL player to be. That said, it's still dumb fun, and it is anchored by another deliciously evil turn from William Forsythe. He plays Shaye—an escaped convict who engineered the fire, so he could reclaim his stashed millions. Unfortunately for him, these are Jesse Graves' woods! J...

Stone Cold is a perfect piece of 90s cinema. It's hyper-masculine, nonsensical schlock; and it is glorious. Starring Brian Bosworth—a stud linebacker from Oklahoma University whose injuries derailed his NFL career—Stone Cold chronicles one man's struggle to bring a gang of degenerate bikers to justice. Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. And it's just entertaining enough that one wonders why Boswo...

Kill the Irishman chronicles the life and turbulent times of Danny Greene, a tough Irishman who gets involved with the Cleveland mafia. As far as gangster flicks go, it's not half-bad; but that also means it's generally half-good. That's because it's a relatively unfocused look at a rather complicated and violent life. It honestly feels like there's a good 30 minutes of connective tissue missing f...

Striking Distance  is a fairly stereotypical 90s cop movie, but with a twist: Bruce Willis' hairline! From scene to scene it shifts dramatically. Balding Bruce, which we must assume is the Bruce from the original shooting, transforms into toupee Bruce multiple times throughout the movie—sometimes from one cut to the next. It's astounding. The wig—despite its omnipresence—is not the hook of the fil...