Hops and Box Office Flops

Heartbeeps was meant to serve as the big screen launching pad for comedian Andy Kaufman. It backfired. Why? Well, it's a mostly nonsensical mess with few laughs, and it buries him under bizarre robot prosthetics. As a performer, Kaufman was known for his showmanship. Heartbeeps robs him of all that, instead turning him into a caricature of his own caricature. Val, the android he plays, is just a w...

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is the sad end to a beloved series. Well, III was also terrible, but there is something uniquely depressing about Superman IV. Perhaps it’s the fact that they coaxed Christopher Reeve into returning by agreeing to center the film on the threat of nuclear escalation; and then as they shot the movie, budget cuts kneecapped the project faster than a speeding bullet. S...

Tip Toes is an odd movie. Instead of serving as an effective drama that highlights the health and societal struggles of little people, it devolves into utter insanity. Why? Well, Gary Oldman took the lead role of Rolfe, a little person whose twin brother, played by Matthew McConaughey, is going through an existential crisis. Steven, McConaughey, is not a little person, but the rest of his family i...

With Fast X , our favorite street racers turned international spies again find themselves entangled with another bad guy hell bent on world domination and revenge. This time, it is the deliciously evil Dante, played with the perfect amount of lunacy by Jason Mamoa. Dante is the son of Hernan Reyes, who we last saw meeting his demise in Fast Five. Thus, Fast X is essentially trying to recapture the...

X-Men Origins: Wolverine  is one of the worst superhero movies to come out of the big comic book cinema boom. It ignores basically everything established in the main line of X-Men films to craft a laborious tale of the early days of Logan's heroism. Throwing in heaps and loads of random mutants, X-Men Origins: Wolverine has zero interest in crafting an adequate narrative for its titular hero. Inst...

Rocky V is a textbook example of a franchise hanging on too long. Without any more mountains to climb, Stallone took the titular character back to his roots. Unfortunately, that journey isn't a very compelling one. Rocky V has a lot to say—spotlighting the transactional nature of sports media, the devastating effects of head trauma, and how sports places profits over people; but none of it, sadly,...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the legendary character's big return to cinemas after 1989's The Last Crusade. Suffice to say, expectations were high for the famed archeologist's latest globe-trotting exploit. And, for fans of the character, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did feature a lot of what made the original trilogy so great. What audiences seemed to be torn on, however...

Robocop 3 is the embodiment of when a franchise has creatively exhausted itself. It feels and looks cheap; has nothing new to say; and tones down the series' signature violence to milk the most out of a dwindling audience. For fans of the series, its existence must be heartbreaking. Robocop 3's ineptitude is on par with other disastrous sequels of the era, like Superman IV. That is really all you...

Alien Covenant was sort of damned from the beginning. As a direct sequel to the divisive  Prometheus , it was continuing a story half the audience had no desire to see. Moreover, they probably also had zero interest in learning where the Xenomorphs came from. Those are significant hurdles when that is exactly what the movie is about. Sorry, Sir Ridley. Thus, like its predecessor, your mileage on A...

Prometheus  was Ridley Scott's triumphant return to the franchise he helped launch with 1979's Alien. But unlike the myriad of sequels that followed the groundbreaking original, Prometheus forges new ground. Centering on the Engineers, it chronicles the creation of human life and the species' subsequent quest for answers that follows. It is during that quest the crew of the Prometheus discovers th...

Alien Resurrection was a bizarre attempt to reinvigorate the Alien franchise after the divisiveness of its predecessor. Written by Joss Whedon, it twists itself into narrative knots to revive the series' long-standing heroin Ellen Ripley. Honestly, it suffers for it. This variation of Ripley is a badass, as well, but she's also weird and barely resembles the character she's embodying. Combined wit...

Alien 3 is a massive disappointment. After the insane action masterpiece that was Aliens, expectations were high for how Ellen Ripley's story would progress. Sadly, Fox, the studio behind the beloved franchise, didn't seem to have any ideas. Multiple scripts came and went, as did directors. Ultimately, the project fell to David Fincher. If you told that to someone now, the excitement would be palp...

Damned River  chronicles a group of friends' harrowing trip down the Zambezi River in Zimbabwe. Their guide, Ray, an unhinged madman and former mercenary (?), is at odds with other local rafters. Thus, as the begin their trek, Ray slowly descends into madness.  The premise isn't exactly novel, but it isn't bad either. The issues with Damned River all come down to execution. The acting is over the...

Drop Zone , like a lot of mediocre 90s action movies, puts a spin on a successful formula established in a much better film. In this case, it's 1991's Point Break. Substituting skydiving for surfing and Wesley Snipes for Keanu Reeves, Drop Zone attempts to be edgy and hip like its inspiration, but mostly free falls in trying. That's not to say that there aren't elements of it to be appreciated. Th...

Rollerball  (2002) is one of the worst movies any of us have ever seen; and that is saying something. Directed by John McTiernan—who always seems to appear on our pod, despite directing some of our favorite films—Rollerball was a remake of a 1975 film starring James Caan. The 2002 version retains none of what made that movie work. It's social criticisms are half-baked, the actual Rollerball scenes...

Airborne is rad. That fact can't be denied, even if rollerblading isn't as cool as it was in 1993. That said, Airborne is also very 90s; and if you didn't grow up during that decade, the tubular nature of the film will probably escape you. Anyway, Airborne centers around a hip California kid, who gets shipped off to Cincinnati, Ohio, to live with his relatives for six months. Mitchell Goosen is a...

Moonfall —written and directed by the master of "Disaster Movies" Roland Emmerich—is, quite ironically, a disaster of a movie. Essentially, in Moonfall, the Moon is on a crash course with earth because malevolent artificial intelligence (AI) has knocked it off its axis. Oh, and the moon is actually a megastructure that was created by an ancient population in the far distant past. That society buil...

Three Thousand Years of Longing  is George Miller's much anticipated return to cinemas. Post Mad Max: Fury Road, expectations were high for his next project. Sadly, Three Thousand Years of Longing can't live up to the lofty expectations of its filmmaker's predecessor. It's not a bad movie by any means; but its tale of a lonely woman finding love and purpose through an ancient Djinn isn't exactly c...

The Northman  is a wild, Viking fever dream. So, if you're a fan of their mythology and lore, you will probably love it. If not, then The Northman is a tough one to recommend. It is loaded with weird imagery and historical Viking rituals that will make little to no sense if you're not familiar with them. Hence, it's disappointing box office return. It grossed just $69.6 million on a budget of $90...

Black Adam  was supposed to change the hierarchy of the DC Universe. Instead, it tanked with critics and couldn't conjure enough magic at the box office to earn a sequel. Thus, it appears the Rock's long awaited appearance as the anti-hero is a one and done. Frankly, that kind of sucks because Black Adam is an entertaining movie. It's a flawed one, to be sure, but watching the titular hero mow dow...

The  Wizard is a needlessly dark road trip movie about a young boy trying to find closure after the death of his twin sister. The rest of the movie doesn't seem to understand that because that portion of the plot was written at the last minute, so it plays much more like a kids version of Rain Man, where the older brother exploits his younger, video game master brother for his own financial gain....

Mars Attacks ! is based upon a series of Topps trading cards released in the early 1960s. And it certainly pays homage to its inspiration. Unfortunately, its also a narrative mess that fails to get the most out of its stacked cast. Mars Attacks! features an all-star lineup. It's got Jack Nicholson in two roles, Jim Brown, Joe Don Baker, Annette Bening, Glenn Close, Michael J. Fox, Sarah Jessica Pa...

GI Joe: The Movie  was meant for big things. Like Transformers and My Little Pony, it would be the property's big screen debut. The failures of those two prevented it from ever getting the chance, though. Even worse, it was meant to serve as a lead-in to the third season of the television show that, ultimately, never happened. Well, it sort of did, but far later and with a different animation stud...

RIPD — the Rest in Peace Department—is based upon a comic of the same name. We're not sure about the source material, but the film is just a unabashed Men in Black ripoff. There's the wisecracking rookie who's new to the job; and the crotchety old vet who's stuck with him. Their job is to protect the earth from monstrous spirits, or deados, who walk among them, avoiding their fate in the afterlife...

Mystery, Alaska is a classic underdog tale. The small town who lives for hockey is thrust into the spotlight when given the opportunity to faceoff against the NHL's New York Rangers (those rascally Rags). Starring Russel Crowe— who was at the peak of his leading man powers—as sheriff/defenseman John Biebe, the movie centers on the sleepy Alaskan town of Mystery. It's a place that takes pride in ma...