Gal Talk

i hope you change all the things that are wrong with you, bitch

well folks, this is the last episode before the Big Day. you know what day i'm talking about. we're all looking forward to that awesome moment when you wake up and walk over to the christmas tree and see that it's empty. barren. not a toy or twinkling light in sight, because you forgot to decorate the tree and have no one in your life to give you presents. so really, it's a day like any other day,...

as the holidays approach, it's important to remember your family and how much you failed to deliver promises you made and how many people you owe money to. you're swimming in debt, barely able to stick your penis above the water, and you're also a liar, you tell lies, and everyone knows about it. your mommy knows you're lying when you say you have a girlfriend, but she plays along anyway because i...

now that we've solved racism by giving more POC voices to cartoon characters, i say it's high time we return to our roots and make those cartoon moms sexy again. a little something for daddy, you know what i'm saying? you get what i'm pointing to? (jerking off) although, i guess i can see an argument for why we don't do that anymore. what with there being so much cartoon pornography nowadays. dadd...

did you make sure to stuff your stupid face with food from the grocery store? I couldn't be bother because I was busy PLANNING TO FIGHT THE NEW FASCIST GOVERNMENT... made up of mostly just like, guys from tv, but it's still pretty spooky, pretty scary. it's like... it's like motherfucking halloween out here, pal

remember the 90's or early 2000's? nic at night? the george lopez show, home improvement, fresh prince of belair? what a time to be alive... what an alive time to be in... a time when you might have been alive and hey, look at that, it happened. congratulations, you were born at a time when these specific cultural events were taking place, so i hope you're happy with that because that's your frame...

we're back, we're firing on all cylinders, racism is back, sexism is back, there are no rules anymore. that's what people think, so let's just run it back to 2016 all over again. i hope there's another pandemic. this time the virus turns you white. if you're already white, it turns you irish, and then no one can understand what the hell you're saying.

you fucking assholes. and no, i'm not talking to the nazi boys, i'm talking to you, you polite piece of shit, just doing whatever mommy tells you to do, convincing yourself that harris was in any way a good idea or better alternative. you fucking baby. you toddler sucking on your thumb. look at what you did. all fifty states turned red. do you know how badly you have to miss the ball, slip on the...

look, not only did we record this episode a week ago, but even if we didn't this still wouldn't come out prior to the election. so hey, good luck to all of you who still somehow give a shit what happens to this horrible country of dumbfucks, who can't stand up for a single goddamn principle. abortion is more important than genocide, or whatever the fight comes down to in your simple brain as you t...

all things pee coming right at you. prepare for all kinds of conversation about what comes out of our pee holes (and i have a hint for you: it's piss) also, fuck you. i know i forgot to upload this episode last week, but frankly i don't like your tone and these are false allegations i won't be taking seriously, and also fake news, your fake news, your mom is fake news, and again, fuck you. anyway,...

yeah, i know, it’s late. but in my defense, i forgot. so, you see how that could be problematic to the objective of putting the episode out. we even recorded it days in advance, and it just sat on my computer. all I had to do was upload it, hell they even have a feature where you can schedule the episode to be published at a certain time, but alas, that was not our situation. i was caught up eatin...

if the world is ending i demand a mad max version of the apocalypse. i want to race a pack of savages in the sand dunes with a motorcycle where the front part is a skull and there’s badass guitar music playing the entire time. everyone lives on beetle blood and spray paint, and ive got a big mutated penis growing out of my chest that also operates like another arm. if that’s not how this world end...

back in the day, i tell you what, they used to kill motherfuckers like it was nothing.

let’s take all the popular sci-fi movies and cut them down to 20 minutes of watchable material that is mostly just cool images and whatever kind of weird contrived weaponry they got in the future. like lightsabers. take all nine star wars movies and cut it down to one single hour where it’s all the lightsaber stuff. maybe toss in one or two scene with alien stuff. done. fuck your plot, fuck your c...

i don’t actually remember what we talked about on this one. something about capitalism? probably. we most probably talked about pussy. i can all but goddamn guarantee that pussy came up in our wide ranging tapestry of conversation

we all are trapped in a cage, aren’t we? this body of flesh and bone, this consciousness elusive to all scientific inquiry, this society of consumerism and wealth, prosperity and depravity, exploitation and criminalization (now I’m just saying words, and hey, aren’t words also a bit of a cage? forever stuck in language, unable to express anything directly, always lost in various metaphors to try a...

you know how people hate taxes? this is a big midwestern thing, because everyone here descends from some variant of libertarianism, so they don’t know how taxes work or why they exist, so all they know is that when april comes around it’s time to be mad at the government. and for 350 days of the rest of the year, there’s never another thought about what the government is doing with your taxes, but...

children’s books were mostly lame, when you look back on it. magic treehouse? shut the fuck up. you tell me a couple of kids are teleporting through space and time on a quest assigned by a wizard based on a different book from a magical library? and the wizard isn’t fucking the kids? you sure about that pal? you sure those kids aren’t just severely traumatized by getting a wand shoved in their ass...

well folks, it’s been 100 episodes of this show, and you know that means a lot to me, because during this time i’ve learned a lot about how much i don’t care about people’s attention or participation in something i’m making. so we will continue to do this show, regardless of whether or not you assholes are listening. in much the same way that Israel will continue to do a genocide, regardless of wh...

me? yes, i’m inclined towards water on my butthole after a long session on the toilet making memories for my children, thank you very much h

make sure to register your balls so when the time comes to use your penis, you’ll know which church to go to and cast your ballot (jizz) into the battle box (butthole)

a lady? as president? c’mon bro, you really think we’re fucking ready for that bro? a big stinkin pussy in the white house? what if she gets her 60 year old pussy juice all over the office chairs? who’s cleaning that up bro? tell you what, ain’t gonna be me. i won’t go near that stuff bro, it’s fucking toxic bro.

i'd like to have a quiet moment to remember the life and career of joe b. .... .... genocide. .... okay, now that that's out of the way - what the fuck, right? what the fuck is going on? does anyone know? do the people that usually know, do they know what's going on? or is everything now just as chaotic as it appears to us on our phones? is voting for a president going to have the same...

it's so disappointing... because you see all these people, Obama, Biden, etc.... and it's all this "thoughts and prayers" bullshit, this "there's no excuse for violence" type of speech, and it's like... excuse me motherfucker, didn't you spend the last eight years telling me this man is going to destroy democracy? that he was a fascist that under no circumst...

remember the 90's? no, me neither. fuck you if you remember the 90's, too, because i bet that shit was cool. you know how lame it was to grow up after the 90's? in the fucking early aughts? embarrassing. no one knew who they were or what they believed in. conviction was on a slow and gentle decline in all aspects of life. the color schemes we thought were appropriate... i mean goddamn....