Gal Talk

We recorded this in the hours right before the United States decided to join the war, so I don't know how much of what we said is now lost to the dwindling innocence of every moment we get before another terrible event occurs, but hey, that's the way it goes in this topsy turvy world of ours. Sometimes you record a podcast before a major news event, and sometimes your country is the major...

It's a lot easier than you might think to catch yourself a big fat predator. Turns out ninety percent of all people are viscous nasty predators, lurking around, waiting in between meals to trap someone in a dumpster and eat their underwear. I... I'll admit I don't know what predators are. Is it like the movie? It'd be cool if Chris Hansen walks out from behind the door and is confr...

In honor of pride month, I've decided to be gay. Just for the month, of course. I just really like stolen valor, so for the next month I'll be painting my nails and pretending to give a shit about Miley Cyrus' sister. Once July comes around, you better watch out, because I'm coming back to straightness with a fucking vengeance. I'll be dragging my nuts all over my favorite spor...

The legacy lives on, and we continue our bombs. Does anyone have a healthcare, these days? One smidge of healthcare to place atop your withering skeleton as the ice cream melts and candy wrappers stick against the leather seats of your newly washed car. To be American! To be a freshly showered hog, glistening in the beating sun as ribbons adorn your pink chest! We will live for a thousand (60) yea...

Name another country with as much abundant criminality as the United States. And you can't say any of the Middle Eastern countries because fuck you, you literally have never known what you're talking about. Hey, also, what's the fucking deal with all this Islamophobia? Is everyone seven years old? Leave those people alone, you nasty cocksucker. Look inward at your own fat wife and disa...

Rest in piss, you genocidal maniac. We could've had a very shitty Harris presidency, where everything got much worse and she does nothing to quell our concerns but ultimately doesn't make headlines hardly ever. But no, instead we have to have a recession and a war with China because you couldn't help yourself from killing babies. Enjoy the last two months of your garbage life eating pu...

Oh you wanna stream a four hour movie about poverty in mainland China, directed by a brilliant fascist who's now in prison for speaking out against the security state, or dead after sixty decades of chain smoking those really long white cigarettes? Do you want to watch the Criterion edition with bonus content where the director and actors explain in subtitles what it was like working in such an in...

We should all aspire to be so brave, so beautiful, so articulate with our comments about airlines making the seatbelts too short for the average American. Twitter, man... I mean I know we all know that Twitter ruined everything for everyone, but fat people in particular... that really gave voice to some of the greasiest takes in the world. Those takes are so moist from butter they slip right down...

It's 2006. You're eight years old lying in a Spiderman themed bed, surrounded by action figures and half finished lego sets. Your mom is making a crockpot meal downstairs, and the smell rising to your bedroom, making you feel a little sick. You've got a CD player and headphones turned all the way up, playing a Limewire rip of music from the Top Charts. The Fray's simple piano music...

I've decided after a hundred episodes that it's entirely unnecessary to continue doing the cute lower case internet trend from forty years ago. I'm dying. Time is passing me by at a rapid clip, and so I have no choice but to use proper capitalization. What's this episode about? Who cares, fuck you. We probably talked about sex or government stuff. The kind of thing I hear young peo...

what if like computers are bad and when they're doing bad... well bad things happen! what if like it's your phone but they make your phone so that it only has pictures of your penis... so when, so when you try to text your mom it's just your penis. but, but just to be clear you don't send that to your mom, it's like instead of texting at all it's just this picture of your p...

i mean... i guess... you know it's not like... there's a way that... if we could all come together and just agree... i don't know, man. it seems bad. i'm not a smart guy, but i learned how to read pretty recently and the words coming out of the news box are telling quite a dark story about the world we all live in. maybe i'm wrong, but i think if that was true then almost every...

but mostly anti-hillary clinton. yes, we have the controversial political view that we shouldn't be doing a genocide because life is already a hellscape for people with houses and running water, so why would you want to add relentless genocidal violence on top of that? doesn't seem fair. but mostly this is a podcast about hating hillary clinton, and we should never lose sight of that. some...

i like to cozy up next to a fire, crack open my favorite fantasy novel, and get to jerking my little wiener. y'all know what i'm saying?? i like to get under the blankets, get a nice cup of coco, turn to my favorite page, and start beating on my little pecker! i don't think y'all know what i'm talking about. i personally love going to my local coffee shop, getting a hot oat mil...

not only do eggs cost a damn whopping $100, but also the movies aren't good anymore. maybe they were never good, you might say, but i'll have you know... was Call Me by Your Name the last oscar movie that was actually pretty good? that might've been the last one. i can't think of another one, and i won't be listening to anyone who makes a suggestion. that director took a real n...

we love negotiations, don't we folks? we love seeing the big orange man making hot deals with governments we've partnered with for generations. fuck canada, amiright? who needs oil, anyway? and as for mexico, i mean it's not like we need produce in the stores. we got our own produce! i know how to grow... i can grow... i got lots of different kinds of foods i know how to grow, probably. seeds? oh...

whenever i think about bodies of water, my first thought is often the politics surrounding it, and whether or not it's woke to be a body of water, or is it DEI to have water formed in a particular area?

i have been craving chinese food for weeks now, and because of my masochistic relationship to my body i've opted to sustain, but also... i'm old now, the road has led us to depleted sources of vibrancy... when i eat food now it makes me fat and sleepy. i used to run for miles and miles. i was a deer in a forest, now i'm a fat guy on a couch, wearing increasingly bigger hoodies to hide...

happy 50th anniversary to public waste management! we've been watching garbage for approximately 100 years now, and 50 of those years had a slot for sketch comedy. yay.

do you think if you added up all the times you helped someone else, it would balance out with all the times you said a slur? there's an equation here... x = good deeds, subtracted from y = slur count. if you subtracted x from y and the number is zero or negative, you can get right back on that horse buddy. start screaming it from the top of the mountain

he's doing bad, folks. he's doing bad and he doesn't know why. he wanders the halls without a thought in his head, spewing random decrees to some squire following him around with a quill. no more bathrooms! he yells. no one quite knows what he means, so they write up a bill that says its okay to murder transgender people. welcome to America Part 2. what a time to be alive.

don't take my damn birthright. hey, mr.fuck president, don't you go taking away all my damn roofers and citizenships! i gots a lot of slave laboring to utilize for mi casa, and i don't care too much about hows you're saying my babies can't be born with no damn citizenship.

apologies for my fucked up voice, but just know i played through the pain to deliver on my promise of more content. the world needs content, and i am here to provide it. now that tiktok either is or isnt banned, you're all going to need a new avenue for consumption, and why not get back to our roots with a radio show hosted by two cool guys?

pretty spooky when you think about how this is normal now. the midwest got a record amount of snow while california burns and burns. what's next? i think we should start conjoining disasters: a fire tornado, an earthquake of ice, a monsoon of... of... what the fuck is a monsoon? sounds pretty racist to me pal, might want to police your language a bit

the snow... all the blood... soon we will be buried in a mountain of our own creation. lost forever in a vortex of misunderstood associations. did my carbon emissions... when i went toot-toot in a field with all my fat cows... did that cause this storm? am i the one to hold responsible for all this mayhem, this death, this destruction? or am i, as we all are, innocent bystanders who don't know not...