Gal Talk

The year was bullshit and I don't care about how your specific year went. My own year wasn't even that bad, all things considered, and yet I can confidently assert that 2025 was dogshit. If you had a kid this year, if you blessed the world with a new vessel for our great collective consciousness, then I got some bad news for that little stinker: every year from now on will be 2025. Doesn&#...

Imagine being one of the best living comedians of your generation that even young women in 2017 knew who you were and laughed at your comedy. And then you get a little too big for your britches and start blocking doors with your small penis at the exact time when people were using twitter as a tell-all confessional for traumatizing experiences. Bye-bye bitch. No more money for you, you fat red-hea...

Check your stockings, folks. There's a fresh pot of AI gumbo chili that I've ladled into each stocking because you've been a BAD little boy. Instead of coal or amazon gift cards everyone is getting an AI generated picture of my gaping butthole, and all of our grandparents will be confused and think it's real and then vote for Adolf Hitler in 2028.

Oh, I'm so sad. Are you sad? Did you miss us last week? Were you sitting around with your bullshit family, wishing you could just go home and listen to podcasts? Looking across the room at your stupid aunt, watching the way people somehow never stop talking but also never once say a single goddamn thing. You take a big helping of stuffing and mac&cheese that tastes like America: land of th...

How old are you? Now be honest with yourself, don't fudge the number to make yourself feel good. Are you... halfway through life? Be honest. If you're 25... do you really think 50 is in the cards for you? Look down at yourself. Is there pizza currently sitting in a box outside of the fridge? Is your silverware drawer filled with Taco Bell hot sauce packets? 50? Are you sure? The same perso...

We even said at the top of the show, hey, let's not spend too much time on this. There isn't much to rehash that hasn't already been heavily outlined in every podcast since 2015. But if the president insists on being a big fat pedophile, then we have no choice but to do our due diligence and discuss, once more, the implications of a world run by elite pedophilia that for some goddamn r...

Whales are better than humans. Full stop, no further explanation, I don't want to hear arguments against it. Think of a moment in your life when you did something genuinely kind for someone else, okay? Ready? On that day there was a sperm whale that was 100times better than your shitty little moment. What did you do, anway? Make your mom a disgusting pancake breakfast before punching your sist...

Pessimism rules, and also fuck you. If you wanted to listen to something upbeat and fun you can click your way over to Hank and John's lame shitty podcast about like... I bet 90% of the show is them talking about bugs and bacteria, which hey, look, I don't mind that, but grow some adulthood charisma. I mean Jesus Christ with these old men making youtube vidoes where they talk like they&#39...

Sometimes the mind is a beautiful thing, and allows you to think like, what if I was the exact same person in every single way BUT I was a chinese. Isn't that fun? Same old guy, walking around, going to work, meal prepping my fucking tilapia bullshut, but then I look in the mirror and I'm a perfect chinese version of who I was when I was Mr. Whiteguy. Hey, how about instead of saying &quot...

Also ICE? More like fucking... Not Nice, huh? I'm coming for you Mark Normand, you lazy hack. Two can play the boring dumb guy with no internal monologue. All I gotta do is get a fake degree from a college that only exists on Facebook, make up a bunch of shit about aliens and trans people, and then snivel my way onto Rogan's show. After that you can't touch me. Watch my meteoric rise i...

You wanna come over and split some root veg bruh? We can roast em for a kale salad and then fuck each other senseless bruh. Get our shit red and shit bruh, and then call each other every night before bed bruh. No fr fr ease up on that shit bruh, cause we in a relationship and shit and I don't want no one seeing how much I love you bruh.

If you didn't like the film it's because you've allowed the internet to fully warp your mind and turn you into a pile of goo. You walk between the bathroom and the living room, shitting and eating, shitting and eating, until it's time for bed when you scroll endlessly through AI porn slop and tweets about how, actually, technically, Paul Thomas Anderson is actually like, not even l...

What two better representations of what white people have given, culturally, to this shithole country? Trailer trash and DnD. Other people, other folks, you know who I'm talking about, they go on and invent beautiful music, baseball, different kinds of masalas and asadas, and they do cool shit to their cars. Everyone else smells good. Hey, you ever notice that? Of all the races and ethnicities...

You ever go get breakfast after a night of sex and you think to yourself, ever so briefly, that hey, my life rules? Hey maybe I won't kill myself after all. It's going to be a great day. And then twenty minutes goes by and you start looking at your phone and immediately you're like, alright nevermind. Back to the drawing board, I guess (the drawing board, in this situation, is a big wh...

I was told by the people closest to me, at different times, that I should be very careful what I say in this episode. As if I, little sweet baby me, would say something outlandish that would piss off our dear president and give him cause to send paramilitary groups to firebomb my house or... fucking tell on me? Is that what he's doing? He's calling up Auntie Anne's and getting people f...

It's the same premise as the movie, but instead of Cary Grant getting mistakenly identified as a spy he's stuck on a fucking runway for forty five minutes because the airline didn't plan ahead for even one minute of their departure and arrival, and so there's another fucking plane at his gate and he's definitely going to miss his next flight because Booking.fuckyoucunt.com deci...

I have an idea for a novel where nothing about the story is good but it's also written in the same boring educated language that gets pumped into MFA programs. Or, better yet, I have a political Vice-brained collection of essays called something like "Democracy Fucking Yeah Right", and it's just trying desperately to be Hunter S Thompson but I lack all creative ingenuity and can&...

I know, I know, we failed you. We try to keep a balance, a perfect blend of hard hitting journalism and well distributed fart jokes, but this time around we simply never got to the farts. I know, too, that many of our listeners are fart hoarding piglet fucks who sustain their life source using code red and taco bell, disposable vapes and advertisements for local singles in your area who are down t...

A russian family drama where the matriarch decides to stop having sex with their handsome children, who in turn reject the wealth of the patriarch by converting to Islam. Told over the course of eight hundred beautifully boring pages, from nine different perspectives with an epilogue the size of a conventional novel, this award winning Hugo Nobel NYT BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR SO FAR bright new voice i...

I think I'm going to stop counting the episodes, because in what way is that information necessary for the listening experience? You're sitting at home thinking "oh wow, this one is 149, but two weeks ago it was 147!" as you shovel wet spaghetti into your oversized gullet, washing it down with some REAL SUGAR soda. God, I love when my soda is REAL SUGAR so I can drink it while I...

Disclaimer: misogyny is funny because it's an absurd and unsustainable worldview, which often leads to the stupidest conclusions about the state of your life, the world, and your relationships with other people. You become a husk of a human, wandering around sexless like a Ken Doll, wondering where it all went wrong... maybe it was that time you closed the door and didn't let that waitress...

I love tv shows and dick jokes. You put those two together, pal, and you got yourself a happy customer. Not to mention my radical position which is that Donald damn Trumpk is a freaking stinking damn loser face. He's a spanking bad damn fuck cunt waffle penis small sticky fat. A cretinous claymation of crippled control crackling under crispy craps. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying...

Things are fine. Hey, you know it, I know it. Enough said. You go outside and it's glorious. You feel good about everything. The bugs aren't going extinct, and it's always 95 degrees with humidity. I like it, you like it. Very good. And I don't think we should raise the minimum wage. I think, in fact, we should lower it further, because then everyone can make less money. Have a goo...

I won't hear anything to argue against my position. They're a slimy batch of people and I see no new cultural output from them. They were the evil empire before we took over and all they contributed to the world was a shitty language and a bunch of museums with stolen artifacts. Your food sucks, and you molest people trying to get an education. That's enough. Even if you really were an...

We had to take a break last week because my xlr cable was busted, and neither of us were in the mood to go out and find a new one. I will admit, too, that it's slightly embarrassing not just to be someone podcasting (that's obvious), but to be someone buying a new xlr cable for a podcast no one listens to... I mean sheesh. That's like, kill yourself type of energy. If it wasn't for...