Doing It Together: Making Sense of Low Libido, Sex, and Intimacy in Marriage.

I challenge a lot of what society teaches men and women about sex, and sometimes husbands have a hard time with my content. I've been bullied, threatened, and personally attacked online by men who are struggling to see their important role in helping their wives feel more comfortable in the bedroom.   That's why I was pleasantly surprised when Charles reached out to me on Instagram to share h...

Partner betrayal is SO complex compared to other forms of trauma. The lying, manipulation, scapegoating and gaslighting create a cycle of shame of wanting to simultaneously connect and disconnect from a cheating partner.  My husband of 14 years admitted to a porn addiction that I was unaware of (after years in therapy/coaching trying to fix my "low libido").  When I came across the work...

My podcast guest this week, Joy, shared that when she first started her relationship (at 17!), she was expecting they would be that disgustingly in-love couple with constant PDA, but that's not what happened.  In fact, despite having a supportive, loving, and fun relationship, she quickly found that her fear of getting pregnant turned into the discomfort of having or talking about sex altoget...

As a husband, are you confused about why non-sexual intimacy (like playful touch and general affection) and physical intimacy have dwindled in your marriage?   In this follow-up to Episode 43, I get to chat with Thia's husband, Eugene, about the pressure and personal responsibility he felt to fix their sex life and the many changes he tried that didn’t work.  Since taking the Wanting It...

Thia and Eugene are a couple from South Africa who are currently living in the UK with three children. After waiting to have sex until their wedding night and having some positive experiences early on, their intimate life started to dwindle. Thia wasn't sure if she was even able to have an orgasm (it can be hard to tell!) and Eugene was running out of ways to help his wife enjoy the experience. &n...

Amber spent years searching for help for her low sexual desire with no answers. She spoke to her university counsellor, her mom, read books and sought help from her church.  In a moment of desperation she reached out to her physician and was given this response: "Look, it's just one of those things. You simply have to do it. It'll make him a better husband and father."   I can personally...

In this follow-up conversation to Episode 40, I talk with Erin's husband Rob about his ‘old ways’ of thinking about sex and how his views have drastically transformed since taking Wanting It More.   Learning about my concepts of safety in the bedroom originally floored him, but incorporating these vital ideas has ultimately made all the difference in their marriage and sexual relationship. &n...

I'm always speaking to women and their husbands about the need for safety with physical touch in and out of the sexual experience. In our culture, women are bombarded with unwanted sexual attention in media, in schools, in homes, and out in the streets.  We don't even know that feeling safe is a possibility!   This week, I talk to Erin and her husband, Rob in separate conversations, abou...

As sexually loud as our culture can be, so many women (and men) experience the silence around helpful information on sex and pleasure as we prepare for marriage.   This week I talk to Keira about growing up in a Christian household and the guilt, shame and dirty feelings she held on to for years.  We also discuss her experience with painful intercourse and the dramatic turning point that...

I don't believe that making the choice to explore a sexual connection AND enjoy the experience is connected to physical attraction to your spouse in any way (aka, you don't need to be turned on by his body.)   This also includes you if you DO find him hunky and still don't want and/or enjoy sex with him.   This doesn't mean anything about you or your marriage.   Curious to know why?...

1. Janna interviews Nick, the husband of a current Wanting It More (WIM) participant, about his experience going through the program. 2. Nick explains the challenges and rewards of vulnerability in male friendships. 3. His ah-ha moment realizing the lack of physical connection was not the real problem in his marriage. 4. How his attempts at “gentle pressure” and reverse psychology backfired and wh...

1. Janna interviews Sarah, a current Wanting It More (WIM) participant, about her personal and relational shift after seven weeks in the eight-week program. 2. Sarah describes her tearful breaking point the week before signing up for WIM, thoughts of divorce, and how she’s used the tools learned in WIM to save her marriage. 3. Honest talk about her declining desire over 15 years and why it’s so ha...

1. Janna shares a love note filled with compassion and validation to her listeners feeling the weight of this difficult work. 2. Her thoughts on how our culture has completely lost the true meaning of intimacy. 3. Why it’s still hard for her in her own relationship after all these years. 4. The importance of knowing you're not alone, you're not broken, and it's definitely not your fault. RESOURCES...

1. The amazing gifts that Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) have and how they can be translated into the sexual experience. 2. Why broadening out the definition of sex is so critical for HSPs. 3. Practical examples from Janna's own life of how she explores her creativity, intuition, and HSP-ness in the bedroom. 4. What to do when you get overwhelmed, triggered or need a break. 5. The most important t...

1. The two phrases Janna and Melissa model and use in the community to decrease shame and increase safety. 2. Why shock, grief and sometimes anger are understandable emotions in the beginning stages of the process. 3. The surprising results of getting the husbands together for a support call. 4. What they are learning about making space for a diversity of lived experiences. 5. How the basic concep...

1. The three "steps" towards initiating more touch with your husband. 2. The two main causes of "touch pressure" and what to do about them. 3. Why unlearning cultural messages about acceptable touch is critical before getting curious about what you like. 4. How Janna and her husband create space for her to initiate touch. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Janna's Program: Wanting It More Looking for where to s...

1. The myths about pain and how they impact our experience of it. 2. The importance of physical and emotional safety while healing from pelvic pain. 3. Why the phrase, "it's all in your head" is actually true- but not how you think it is! 4. The normal variety in female parts (as described by someone who has seen hundreds!) 5. The different types of pelvic pain and the experience of each. RESOURCE...

1. How Taneill expected her body to work and what happened instead. 2. The unexpected surprise she got when she listened to other women talk about pleasure. 3. The relatable ways Janna and Taneill both tried to get the big O as young adults. 4. The moment everything shifted for her and how she's continued to learn about her body. 5. Her recommendations for other women hoping to feel more enjoyment...

1. Three unfortunate experiences Janna had with professionals and what she learned from each one of them. 2. Janna's #1 recommendation for when you are seeking support - whether from books, people or the internet. 3. What she does now as a coach and educator to keep her participants safe. 4. Her window cleaning story and what that taught her about pushing herself! 5. The critical areas that were m...

1. How B used to see her "role" in the bedroom and how it's changed over time. 2. The most challenging aspect of creating and enforcing boundaries for her. 3. The surprising way B's body has responded after 5 years of regular physical connection with her husband. 4. Why nighttime is sometimes the worst time to have sex. 5. How her husband struggled with this "new way" of connecting in the beginnin...

1. How purity culture has affected this couple's marriage in very different ways. 2. How M handled K's "don't touch me!" vibe in her first pregnancy. 3. Where their communication broke down in the bedroom and how they've changed it. 4. M's initial resistance to my advice in the Wanting It More program and how he feels now, 3 years later. 5. The unique way K transitions into the sexual experience t...

1. Is it guilt or shame? What's the difference? 2. How cultural messaging influences our feelings of guilt. 3. What to blame instead of each other. 4. Janna's opinion on what’s “owed” to your partner. 5. The single most important quality for a successful marriage. 6. When guilt is actually warranted in the bedroom. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Janna's Program: Wanting It More Looking for where to start? G...

1. Why safety is the key to women wanting it in the bedroom 2. The reasons why communicating our preferences is the first step to feeling safe 3. 4 things women are supposed to like in the bedroom, but Janna doesn't 4. Common reactions that husbands have when women say no in the bedroom 5. The hardest and best thing Janna did in her own marriage to establish her own safety RESOURCES MENTIONED: Jan...

1. 2 types of ways to want it in the bedroom, and the differences between them 2. Why waiting for those “tingly feelings” can be a waste of energy 3. What science is teaching us about “getting in the mood” 4. How Janna has regular experiences while rarely being in the mood. 5. The 5 motivations for sex that don't involve a physical reason RESOURCES MENTIONED: To view the Venn Diagram mentioned in...

1. 3 barriers to learning about our bodies (it's not as simple as it sounds) 2. A few critical pieces of information that Janna learned early on which made a big difference 3. Janna's favourite book recommendation to learn the science of female bodies 4. 3 steps you can take to learn about your preferences in the bedroom RESOURCES MENTIONED: To view the Venn Diagram mentioned in this episode, plea...