Crazy in Love

We like to think of ourselves - and our relationships - as complex. Surely if we're bright, capable, successful people with relationship problems, those problems must be multi-faceted and sophisticated. Maybe it's due to our attachment styles and complicated personal histories? Matt and Graham argue that, in a lot of cases, simple changes in behaviours transform relationships. You can work with Gr...

When distress shows up in a relationship, should I turn towards you or should I learn to tolerate it myself? The question many ask in relationships - and are encouraged by the world of couples therapy to ask - is: ‘can I count on you to be there when I'm struggling?’ This worldview sees the problem as disconnection, with the prescription being connection, emotional and physical. “Talk about your f...

Logic, emotional detachment, quick decisions, a problem-solving mindset - all very useful much of the time in the workplace. But are those same skills, when seen as the go-to set of skills at home too often, a handicap against excellent relationships? After all, we're often told that relationships require curiousity, emotional engagement, patience, a prioritising of feelings over solutions. Matt &...

You’re told to find the right person and everything else falls into place. Popular culture sells the same script: meet “the one”, and the hard part is done. Anyone who has stayed in a long-term relationship knows otherwise. The appeal is obvious. The compatibility story lets you off the hook. If it works, you chose well. If it fails, you weren’t right for each other. It also saves you from a harde...

Answering a question with a question. Seeking to discover what's beneath the anger. And underneath the sadness underneath the anger? And underneath that? It's easy to disparage and mock, but the clichés that come with therapy - and especially a certain type of therapy - turn a lot of people away. Clients and couples often come to us frustrated that they haven't been helped to change their thinking...

"People who dwell in the past get stuck in the past." - Marc Andreessen. ( https://www.youtube.com/shorts/b6Zw50f5jJk ) "Introspection causes emotional disorders." - Andreessen again. "Reinforcing negative neural pathways via therapy or introspection is a recipe for disaster." - Elon Musk. “And also, this is very important to understand about me, I am not into psychoanalysis, right. I think there...

Matt and Graham dive into the Manosphere on this episode of Crazy In Love. They respond to the recent Louis Theroux documentary on Netflix and this article which suggests Gen Z men are more likely to demand that their wives obey them: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/05/gen-z-men-baby-boomers-wives-should-obey-husbands But what's the reality behind young men's beliefs about women? Should...

Matt and Graham get their teeth into some advice from couples therapists about seven signs you might be heading for divorce, ranging from "you stop arguing" to "you take up ultramarathons" (yes, really). https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/feb/20/seven-surprising-signs-youre-heading-for-divorce Along the way, in considering all seven, they return to some time-old signs of relationships l...

For Valentine's Day recently, The Guardian newspaper asked its readers from across the globe to offer their tips for successful long-term romantic relationships. If we're honest, we thought the results were going to be abysmal. Bubble baths, "happy wife, happy life", go salsa dancing together: that kind of thing. But as you'll hear, the tips themselves were a decent mix of useful motherhood and ap...

It's a confusing message: you should be vulnerable and open up to the risk that your partner could hurt you, but also that too much dependence risks tipping over into unhealthy co=dependence, merger, and the loss of a decent sense of self. So where is that sweet spot, and how do you know if you're falling too far on either end of the spectrum of independence/co-dependence? Matt and Graham try to m...

Matt and Graham delve into the "no apprenticeship" model of relationships in this episode. We repeat what we see modelled to us in our own childhood homes. Often, that's two people trying their best to stay together without the skills to make a relationship flourish: conflict resolution, active listening, asking for what you want without whining or retreating into contempt and silence. We don't le...

Nearly one in two marriages don't work out. The failure rate for second marriages is, surprisingly, even higher. We don't learn the lessons we need to learn; we repeat the same mistakes; choose the same, wrong partners. What can we learn from those failed relationships that can help us learn to make better decisions, and be better partners, so that we can avoid having to call the divorce lawyer ne...

Matt's sceptical about New Year's Resolutions: fluffy, too broad, unrealistic. Graham thinks New Year is the perfect time to have a good think about self-improvement, self-reflection - including in our relationships. Who's right? You decide! Happy new year to all our listeners! Subscribe and leave us a review if you like what we're doing with the pod!

This Christmas, Matt & Graham give you an early gift: permission to stop being so damn nice in your relationship! But hang on, aren't they always banging on about how important it is to try your best to be an absolute pleasure to live with for your partner, and stop being such a bore, stop sulking, stop criticising and focus on their attributes? Listen in to hear how they get out of this conve...

The relationship ends. You lick your wounds. And then you say something like: "I've got to work on myself before I start another one". But what does that mean - working on your attachment style maybe? - and are you sure that a long period of time out of a relationship is the best thing for you? Graham and Matt offer a different take in this episode: both that the best change often occurs inside a...

There's a myth about the ending of relationships: fire, heat, arguments, affairs. But only about a quarter of divorces occur because of an affair. Half of couples stay together after one of them strays. The reality is that something more depressing is taking place: the slow, sad decline of once-decent relationships into disappointment and loneliness. 1 in 10 are stuck in what they describe as love...

So much of the complexity of relationship advice can be simplified into four words (or five, if you're being pedantic): Don't Be A Jerk. Of course, the reality is a bit more complex than that. Matt and Graham talk in today's episode mainly about the single biggest killer of relationships: contempt. What is it? How does it develop in relationships? How can you see it when it's present? And how do y...

You've probably heard of it: the Three-Hour Evening . It’s the latest couples’ hack and involves splitting the evening into chunks – including an hour without phones. What's not to like? Do your chores, have some couples' time, have some alone time. Perfect. But who are these mysterious people with young children who have THREE HOURS of time every evening to fill? And, joking aside, even if you on...

Graham and Matt continue a short series on neurodiversity and relationships by exploring autism. Autism diagnoses have gone up 800% in the last few decades. The male to female ratio has shrunk from 4:1 to 2:1. Most of the explosion in diagnoses has occurred at the milder end of the autism spectrum. Social media is rife with videos celebrating inaccurate versions of "autism" and claiming it as an i...

Graham and Matt begin a short series on neurodiversity and relationships by focusing on ADHD. What actually is ADHD? How does it show up in relationships? What behaviours would you notice even if you or your partner don't have a formal diagnosis? How can couples talk about ADHD without it feeling like one partner's "problem" to solve? And how much can you expect change in a relationship where one...

Calories in, calories out. Harm reduction in substance abuse. Tiny improvements, day in, day out. All very sensible - but can modest, realistic interventions drive genuine transformation in your relationship? Matt and Graham argue that yes, you can achieve a lot with relatively little. A small number of couples therapy sessions, with some key interventions, can transform an unhappy relationship. B...

In the modern world, we are told to look for romantic partners who "complete" us. They should not only be someone who we love, but also someone who encourages us to live our best life, to achieve our individual goals and self-actualise. This is a big shift in the last fifty years. We're increasingly sceptical of relationships like the Clintons built on security and shared socio-economic or career...

Big "T" trauma. Little "t" trauma. The likes of Gabor Maté and Bessel Van Der Kolk have brought the understanding of trauma far beyond the field of mental health and into everyday life. But what actually is trauma? How does it impact people's personalities? If everything difficult is labelled trauma, does that dilute our understanding and treatment of it? And, of course - how does trauma manifest...

Relationships aren't fragile. They need healthy stress to make them strong. In this episode, Matt and Graham explore how the language of emotional regulation and safe spaces - imported from therapy rooms and HR departments - has reshaped what many now expect from their closest relationships. For many couples, modern love means no raised voices and gentle communication. Conflict and arguments are s...

In this episode, Matt and Graham explore the limits of empathy in relationships. Can empathy ever be anything but positive? Yes. In lots of ways. Drawing on the work of Canadian psychologist Paul Bloom, Matt and Graham talk about how empathy limit connection, make us like those who are more like us in various ways, and prioritise experience over truth. Are they fully Against Empathy? Find out by l...