Crazy in Love

Most of the initial enquiries we receive as couples therapists come from women. A lot of the men in those couples come into our consulting rooms full of doubt and fear. And why wouldn't they, given roughly 80% of counsellors and therapists are women, and an industry culture of left-leaning safe spaces and lived experience empowerment? Men are often made to feel like inferior women in couples work...

50% of marriages end in divorce, right? Well, no: the stat is wrong. And more importantly, it distorts how we see relationships, undermines our sense of agency, and obscures what’s actually happening. The idea dates back to the divorce spike of the ’70s and ’80s. Legal reforms in the UK and the U.S. fueled a surge in divorce; the numbers rose dramatically, and commentators noticed. If divorce rate...

This is a podcast about modern relationships. And what could be more modern than AI? Matt and Graham discuss chatbots in today's episode, and consider whether it's possible to develop a relationship with an unconscious machine. And if not, why not? They considered this New York Times article about Eugene Torres, who started using ChatGPT to help with his financial spreadsheets, and ended up gettin...

Roger Federer missed 46% of the shots he took in his career. A decent professional baseball player fails 7 out of every 10 times they're at bat. Michael Jordan missed thousands of shots in his career. Elite sports - like most of life - involves routine failure. You're not going to eliminate failure even if you tried. The same is true of relationships. And yet we tell ourselves silly stories about...

How do you know if you're with the right person? How do you know whether you should ask them to marry you? Charles Darwin, that beacon of rationality, took a very logical approach to his decision to marry his cousin, Emma Wedgwood, making a list of all the pros and cons of getting married. The results are hilarious. But simply trusting our gut doesn't work either. So what should we do? Graham and...

Matt and Graham bring the party-pooper vibe to romantic relationships again in this episode with the claim that long-term relationships are no fun, and they're not meant to be. Most films and songs about love tend to stop at the first kiss, the sprint through the airport. We're crazy in love. Our lovers complete us. But that stage fades. It’s supposed to. If it didn’t, you’d die of exhaustion or l...

The "Let Them" Theory from Mel Robbins has been embraced by millions across the globe, sparking thousands of Instagram and TikTok videos, and many tattoos. Mel Robbins' book of the same name asks a simple question: what if the key to happiness, success, and love was as simple as two words? In simple terms, if you're overwhelmed, angry or frustrated, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power...

Attachment theory, and attachment styles, are having their moment. Search any social media site and you'll find thousands of videos how attachment theory explains everything about you, from your success (or lack of success) in romantic relationships, to your overall mental health. Matt and Graham have spent a big part of their professional lives investigating attachment, and using it to help indiv...

Miranda July's "All Fours" was one of the literary sensations of the summer. Many women in particular resonated with the tale of midlife sexual and creative freedom. The New York Times called it " The First Great Perimenopause Novel " and, in a separate piece, discussed how women across the globe were rethinking family and married life as a result of reading the novel. Others are not so sure. Some...

This episode, Matt and Graham stray into unusual territory, don their policy wonk hats, and look at a question of public policy. They discuss Andrew Yang's idea when running for U.S. President in 2020 for the state to fund marriage counselling before divorce. Similar ideas were proposed as part of legisiation in the UK in 2020. Should the Government fund counselling to attempt to keep couples toge...

Affairs are common. Twenty percent of married men have cheated. But do they make us happy? Do the relationships that begin with affairs last? Why do we even have affairs in the first place? Matt and Graham answer all your questions about affairs in today's episode, based on their Psychology Today blogpost: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202502/affairs-the-grass-probably-isnt...

Controlling behaviour is more common in relationships than you might think. Approximately 1.4 million women and 750,000 men in the United Kingdom experience some form of abuse. And some of our heroes - Gandhi, Einstein, Tolstoy, Dickens - have been extremely controlling in their relationships. But it should have no place in a healthy relationship. How do you identify controlling behaviour, especia...

Deciding to leave a relationship is hard, especially when you’ve been together for years. But putting some thought into how you’re going to end it can minimise the depth of the scar you leave, for everyone involved. In this episode, Matt and Graham discuss why “It’s not you; it’s me” is the wrong place to start; how to plan the break-up itself; and how to deal maturely with the immediate aftermath...

Talking can help unearth problems and direct you towards possible solutions and compromises. But the wrong conversations reinforce an image of the relationship as problematic, and upset your partner. So, what should you do instead? When and how should you bite your tongue? Matt and Graham explore these questions and more in today's episode. The blogpost they discuss is available here: https://www....

Romantic relationships today carry heavy expectations. We want our partner to be our best friend, confidant, co-parent, caregiver, and lover. This is a lot to ask of one person; no wonder many relationships struggle under the weight of expectations. In this episode, Matt and Graham focus on when it's OK to stray - emotionally, socially, or intellectually - to help sustain a fulfilling relationship...

Sex is brilliant. But how much is enough? Do you need to spice things up from time to time? How do you make sure your sex life stays healthy when kids and careers get in the way? How do you stay attracted to each other when the body gets looser and flabbier over the years? Should you ever have sex when your heart's not fully into it? Graham and Matt explore sex and sexlessness in this episode, wit...

Money matters. 75% of couples say financial stress is affecting their relationship. Why? How can you avoid it getting in the way of your relationship satisfaction? What if one partner earns loads more than the other? What do you do if your spending habits differ? Is a prenup the answer to all your problems? Graham and Matt explore money this week. Their Psychology Today blogpost is available here:...

This episode, Matt and Graham try to help listeners answer the key question of when to stay and work hard on an imperfect relationship, and when to call it quits. In a culture of instant gratification, we're often told to cut and run. But relationships aren't meant to be easy, and a good life involves accepting life on life’s terms. If you end it, you might be missing the satisfaction and self-gro...

It's 25 years since the release of David Fincher's movie Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is, of course, never to discuss Fight Club. Matt and Graham disagree. More couples should talk about fighting. Arguments happen. The trick is to make sure you fight well . Email us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com

Cultivating good relationships is like learning a new language: there are certain grammatical "rules" to guide you; practice makes perfect; making mistakes is a key part of getting better. But we often mistakenly assume we just absorb those skills during our early lives. Today, Matt and Graham explore skills we need to learn along the way to get better at relationships and how to learn to put asid...

The star-cross'd lovers, Romeo and Juliet, are often held up as paragons of a romantic ideal. But are they really? Today, Matt and Graham have a look at the mistakes we make in love: the assumption that there should be "the one" who "completes" us; the idea that the intensity of teenage love should continue into adulthood; the concept that we should simply accept relationships becoming stale and b...

It's the new thing with well-intentioned couples experts: drive greater intimacy and trust by being radically honest with your partner. Tell them more about your inner thoughts, dreams and desires. But what does radical honesty really mean ? Does it add anything to the virtue of honesty celebrated by Aristotle thousands of years ago? Matt and Graham grapple with the concept in this episode, with a...

In this episode, Graham and Matt discuss some bad ideas often given to couples - from self-help books, wellness magazines and, yes, couples therapists. They might have even offered some of these bad ideas themselves once upon a time.... Should you look deep into each other's eyes? Should you have Date Nights? Should you share a bath together? Should you create a Vision Board for your relationship?

Matt and Graham challenge the over-use of therapy-speak and psychobabble in relationships. What should you do instead of saying your "narcissistic" partner is "gaslighting" you, if in reality, they're just being annoying and a bit difficult? We reference our blogpost on the topic for Psychology Today which you can find here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202407/too-much-the...