The SelfWork Podcast

Today we’re going to cover how to begin to stop beating yourself up in a way that may surprise you a little. Because the behavior can seem as if you’re being extra careful or caring. But the habits of beating yourself up – the ways you maintain or fuel that self-doubt – can lead you further down the rabbit hole of shame and emotional paralysis. So let’s get started on “What can you do about it.’ A...

Today we’re talking about the relationship between resilience and vulnerability and how those two things are an integral part of living a purposeful life. I’ll use some quotes from one of my favorite books – one of those books you read that makes an indelible impression on you. And we’ll touch on what actually creates resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, to remain purposeful even if yo...

Today we’re going to cover two of the most frequent questions I hear -- how to find a therapist and how you know a therapist is right for you. The title of the episode has “new” in quotes because often what's old is new again, and that's certainly the case here!  We'll go over the seven factors that are found to make therapy the most effective it can be. What are those? Let's start...

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Or there “under...

There are certain diagnoses that may be co-occurring with perfectly hidden depression (PHD) or could be confused with PHD. And the last thing I want is for anyone to label themselves PHD or identify with PHD and stop there – when instead, you may need to recognize that you're experiencing another type of psychological issue that warrants understanding and even treatment. Those diagnoses are Bi...

Valentines can hold as much angst for people as the holiday season. And if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, then that pain can become more distinct. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even t...

Kobe Bryant's family is only one of the many families who have to face an extremely harsh tragedy - the traumatic death of someone they love. There is a difference in this kind of grief because it's traumatic in the most pure sense. One second your world was safe, known and secure. And the next, it was not -- due to an extremely dramatic and out-of-the-ordinary experience that induces grie...

I’ve had several people write to me lately and explain that they are just pulling out of a slump or even worse, clinical depression. And they’re scared. Is there a time frame for what’s supposed to happen after a major depression has struck? How do you deal with some of the destructive choices you may have made when you were depressed? We’ll talk today about the factors that are important … and ho...

In today’s SelfWork, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years. But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in  Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today...

Today we’re talking about the difference between narcissism and healthy narcissism. There are big differences and since the word "narcissistic" is being thrown around so much these days, I thought I’d do my part to keep things clear. I’m quoting three experts -- Dr. Dale Archer, Bob Taibbi, and Dr. Craig Malkin – all who have fascinating takes on the subject. I'd definitely recommend g...

What happens in therapy that can be helpful? How does it work? These are basic questions that were brought to my attention during my recent interview with Lewis Howes on his podcast The School of Greatness. He and his team bring what they consider “great” ideas and ways of being to his listeners. And I was honored to be there. If you're interested in listening to his podcast, here it is! You c...

Welcome to 2020 and more SelfWork! First, thank you to everyone who’s purchased  Perfectly Hidden Depression and left reviews. Those show up on Amazon as a verified purchase and are extremely important offering even more validity. So if you’ve been reading PHD, and when you’re done, two sentences on what you experienced would be extremely gratifying. Today we’re talking about the lack of sexual in...

Coping with rejection in a relationship, whether it be a friendship or partnership or a marriage, can be very difficult. But to add to the hurt, you can also learn that your ex has moved on quickly -- or perhaps had moved on while still in a relationship with you. And that can lead to a feeling of being replaced. We'll talk about the feelings and thoughts this can create -- and something that...

I see so many people who are living out their partnerships or marriages passing like ships in the night. And it’s very lonely. You may or may not recognize that apathy has snuck into your relationship, as you go about living parallel lives.  Most of these couples are conflict-avoidant and the distance that they feel between them is played out covertly, not openly. But they may look "fine"...

Depression, anxiety, and emotional paralysis can go hand in hand. But today we're talking today about fear – plain old unadulterated fear. But not fear about uncomfortable or destructive things. We're talking about fear of positive change the keeps you stuck in behaviors that are a problem for you.  What are those potential fears? There are five that we'll discuss in this week's ep...

If you've been sexually abused in any way, it changes the way you live your life. You can heal but it takes work and courage. But what if you're abused, you report or tell someone about it and you're not believed? This aftermath of abuse -- this total negation of what happened -- can feel even worse than the initial trauma. That's what we're focusing on today on SelfWork. If yo...

This week I had an interview with Dr. Rami Wehbi who's host of the podcast Beyond Medicine and a fabulous listener. That particular experience led me to talk about what gets in the way of good listening. I chose three dynamics of the numerous ones that are out there: making assumptions, needing to be right, and avoidance of conflict and compromise. I offer solutions or ideas of what you can do...

Depression can steal your sense of vitality. Your "get up and go" or your motivation to reach goals that mean something to you can disappear. It's called anhedonia -- basically the lack of pleasure in (or motivation for) activities that used to mean something to you or to try on new challenges. But you don't have to be depressed for this to happen. Plain old insecurity can morph in...

The victim mentality or emotional martyrdom are personality traits that are very difficult to handle in relationships. It's when someone people pleases to the point of intense self-sacrifice, which leads to bitterness, misunderstanding and drama. At its base is immense insecurity, but it takes a lot of insight for someone with this mentality to see themselves and their impact on others objecti...

As I wrote the book Perfectly Hidden Depression , I included over sixty specific exercises that would make reading it more of an emotional challenge, rather than one more chance to analyze. They are both action-oriented and reflective exercises and hopefully, you'd come away with a journal full of fresh insights, guidance on effecting real change in your life and support for taking risks. So t...

This month has been full of questions from all of you! So I'm taking today to answer even more of them!  The topics are diverse. The first is from a man whose dreams haven’t been fulfilled and he’s almost totally given up that dream and is escaping through  The second from a woman who’s trying to make a decision about revealing past sexual abuse. The third from a man who’s realizing that a lot...

Happy 150 th Episode!! This is the last of the series on aspects of depression and today, we're talking about self-destructive habits and patterns. Depression is innately painful. It’s lonely. It’s dark. Sometimes you lose hope that you can find your way out. So, you can easily turn to self-destructive behaviors to gain some form of perceived control or escape. Our focus will be on six, althou...

Depression and anxiety turn up in several mental illnesses. Yet when there's a definite mood cycle -- when one energy level of mood becomes apparent, either a too up or too down, and then another eventually takes it place -- this can earn the diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder if certain criteria are met. I'll talk about what Bipolar II is exactly and relay the stories of two people with Bip...

We're talking about love today on SelfWork. Unconditional love  often gets the thumbs up as the best or most selfless kind of love to have. Parents certainly want to welcome their children into the world with unconditional love. But there can be a problem when, as an adult, you don't set boundaries at all, and "loving unconditionally" can be manipulated fairly easily. Then there&#3...

Depression is going to be the topic of SelfWork for the coming weeks. And today, let's look into seven distorted beliefs that are going to justify or support you staying isolated, and even convince you that you're better off being alone. But loneliness and isolation are part and parcel of depression's hold on you. I know how real these voices can seem. I know how hard they are to fight...