Living Dead in Austin

The Volturi finally arrive to destroy the Cullens because they think Renesmee is a baby vampire. They do a lot of talking and then discover that Renesmee is, despite being a baby and a vampire, not a baby vampire. They turn around and go home. End of series. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music...

Alice, the one who can see the future, flees the upcoming confrontation in terror. She leaves a fun activity plan for Bella that leads her to a sketchy lawyer to get a new identity. Also a rogues gallery of anti-Volturi and pro-Cullen vampires arrives to observe or help, and one by one have to get over how weird Renesmee is. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkma...

Things are going swimmingly for Bella, her husband Edward, their psychic infant Renesmee, and Renesmee's assigned life partner Jacob. They start planning another vacation, but Alice envisions that the Volturi are coming to kill them all because of the psychic baby so they must prepare for war. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our othe...

Let's revisit Bella's supernaturally traumatic birthing, and see just how painful it can get. We also get to see her rebirth (redeath?) as a vampire, which is also amazingly painful. Luckily she's a good girl and doesn't let anybody know. The baby is growing up rapidly and is already magically betrothed to Jacob. I hope it works out for those crazy kids. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are...

Edward is a very traditional guy, so he insists on the old-fashioned practice of gnawing the child out of the mother's uterus. After which, Jacob plays a game of Kiss/Marry/Kill with the newborn baby, and he doesn't choose Kill. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , l...

Jacob heads to the Cullens to murder them all. He fails so completely at killing them that he ends up protecting them from his own former packmates. Meanwhile Bella is having one of those pregnancy cravings, but for human blood. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , l...

On Bella and Edward's fabulous honeymoon, they do what couples traditionally do on honeymoon: bump it exactly one time and become instantly pregnant with a magic baby. Since it's the kind of baby that eats their mom physically (rather than just hormonally), they must immediately return to Forks to summon the baby drama crew. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkma...

Bella and Edward quickly get married. They go on their honeymoon, which is amazing... except for one thing: Edward really doesn't want to touch Bella. This seems like the opposite of the sort of thing that usually happens on honeymoons. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason...

This movie is better! Better than the other movies, better than the book. The vampires finally start doing some vampire stuff. Except for Riley, the middle-management vampire. Sucks to be him. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , licensed under CC-BY 3.0 .

Bella, Edward, and Jacob wrap up their frozen tent three-way (which turned out to be more of a no-way). Then, to battle! The Cullens and the Quileutes join battle with the baby vampire army, and destroy them handily. Victoria does try to sneak attack Bella but she ends up on the vam-pyre with the rest of them. Then (after a quick check in with Pain Jane) they focus on the next challenge: the weddi...

Bella gets engaged to Edward. She's pretty unhappy about it, but that doesn't seem to matter to Edward. Then they're off to the wilderness as bait for the attacking baby-vampires. Bella immediately begins to freeze in the cold, but she, Edward, and Jacob crowd into a tent and form a cuddle puddle to survive. Edward and Jacob take the opportunity to have a man-to-man (corpse-to-wolf?) talk. ★ Suppo...

Bella graduates from high school. She's impatient to get to the next phase of her life: death. But there is still a lot of living to suffer through. Jacob and his pack agree to team up with the Cullens to fight the newdead vampires and they all have a great time wrestling in the woods to prepare. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our o...

Bella hangs out with Jacob and the Quileutes and learns some of their ancient (but plot-relevant) history. Then she hangs out with Jasper and learns his ancient (but plot-relevant) history. Based on Jasper's experience, the Cullens figure out that somebody is raising an army of vampires in Seattle, probably intended to attack the vampires of Forks. That's not good, but it's no reason to cancel the...

Bella learns the rules of werwolvery from Jacob. The rules range from odd (they don't age) to repulsive (sometimes they form a unbreakable romantic bond with a toddler). Edward is even more controlling than usual, but after a serious talk with Bella he agrees to let Jacob make some of her decisions for her also. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff L...

Bellas life returns to normal. Unfortunately for her, normal is not very good. I don't know who needs to hear this, but if your hundred-year-old vampire boyfriend is trying to isolate you from your oft-shirtless werewolf bestie and using the promise of eternal life to push you into marriage, do not marry that man. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff...

We watched New Moon: The Movie! I guess I didn't realize, when reading the novel, just how many jorts were present. It's hard to ignore the jorts when they're on the big screen. Also, there's a bunch of drama about Edward and Bella and Jacob (and his jorts). ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music...

Bella goes to Italy to meet some cool vampires. None of them say "Ciao, Bella." They live in a combination sewer/office building/watchtower, and they collect special vampires like Edward. They don't get him this time, but they can wait. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason...

Bella's second-favorite vampire returns, and she needs Bella's help. They must hurry to Italy to prevent Edward from exposing himself to tourists. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , licensed under CC-BY 3.0 .

Bella discovers Jacob's furry secret. Then she throws herself off a cliff. Those things aren't connected, Bella just thought that would be a fun thing to do. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , licensed under CC-BY 3.0 .

Bella puts her best moves on Jacob. That means she nearly dies and he has to save her life. After that he starts avoiding her, and she comes to the only reasonable conclusion: he has joined a cult. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , licensed under CC-BY 3.0 .

Bella is despondent over her loss of Edward. She seems like she'll never be happy again, but then she encounters the combined effect of Motorcycles and Another Hot Guy. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ (00:14) - Intro (00:31) - Recap (01:04) - Chapter 4 (08:03) - Chapter 5 (14:36) - Chapter 6 (19:01) - Chapter 7 (26:23) - Outro We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our ot...

Bella and Edward are still madly in love, but a tragic paper cut incident at Bella's 18th birthday party tears them apart, presumably forever. Bella is very sad, and spends 4 months thinking about how sad she is. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ (00:13) - Intro (00:29) - Recap (02:10) - Cover discussion (05:33) - Preface (07:33) - Chapter 1 (23:19) - Chapter 2 (27:56) - Chapter 3 We are Alice S...

We watched the Twilight movie! Sparkly sexless vampires in the Pacific Northwest. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ (00:14) - Intro (00:25) - Review (14:03) - Outro We are Alice Sullivan , Micah Sparkman, and Jeff Lake . Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club ! Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw , licensed under CC-BY 3.0 .

Bella is rescued from having to watch her boyfriend's pickup baseball game by having a killer vampire start hunting her. She flees back to Phoenix with Edward's family, but even they can't protect her from the biggest threat: her own decisions. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ (00:14) - Intro (00:50) - Recap (02:09) - Chapter 18 (14:06) - Chapter 20 (24:16) - Chapter 22 (31:41) - Chapter 24 (40...

Edward and Bella find some private time so he can show her his sparkle. Then she meets his family, in their bathroom-less, bedroom-less house. Then, for some reason, baseball. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ (00:13) - Intro (00:30) - Recap (02:45) - Chapter 12 (11:00) - Chapter 13 (21:27) - Chapter 14 (34:30) - Chapter 15 (42:35) - Chapter 16 (48:41) - Chapter 17 (59:13) - Outro We are Alice S...