Flying Free

If you break abuse down to the nitty-gritty, at its heart is something called “emotional childhood.” Abusers think everybody should make their life work. Everyone should cater to their whims. Everybody is responsible for their emotions. For fixing them, moment by moment. They shouldn’t have to do anything. Like a stunted emotional child.  If you’re a wife in this situation, you come to believe tha...

It’s hammer time. I’ve broken down the problems churches face when abuse victims come forward (along with how churches usually react). Then, I smash through the fallacies their hurtful behavior is constructed on. Finally, I provide the building blocks of how to respond to abuse like Jesus did, so the church can be a tool of healing instead of just…tools.   Cause there’s no point in demoing a build...

Is the last thing you googled, “Am I crazy?” or “Why does my husband hate me?” or the literal title of this episode?  Bleh. Living in such horrible, constant confusion can make us obsessive. Not crazy obsessive. The “desperate for answers” kind. The “I’m living in purgatory and I hate it!” kind. The “Is it me even though I’m trying so hard?” kind.  If you’re looking for a fixed point of reference—...

“How Not to Be a Meanie” doesn’t hit the same, does it? “How Not to Act Out Patriarchal Theology, AKA ‘A Chocolate-Covered Turd’” is probably too long. And Andrew Bauman wants to get the attention of men who have bought into domination and called it love, and control and called it protection. The men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and minds and service, all in the name of God. Asses.  How doe...

This may be controversial for some of my audience. Twenty years ago, I may have unsubscribed, not understanding what this was actually about.  What IS this about? It’s about Who God is. It’s about representing Him well. That’s what Jesus did, and that is our calling, as Christians.  This is about the way we view God and how our view impacts the way we live our lives. We either honor the truth abou...

Did you know that abuse has a bestie? Its sneaky little friend is Shame. Shame is a talkative fellow but very dependable.  He hangs on your earlobes and yells:  “You’re not perfect, so you can’t point out your husband’s faults.” “You yelled back, so you expect him to stop.” “You pull away emotionally, so you can’t get angry when he stonewalls.” “You hit him after he hit you, so you deserved it.” “...

Imagine a world where women are property . Where they have no rights — not even to defend themselves against abuse or to claim ownership over their minds…to declare, for instance, that they are not insane. That they shouldn’t be held prisoner in an insane asylum because they disagreed with their husband.  That horrifying world you imagined? You're living in it.   Of the countless women who’ve gone...

The only reason I’m where I am today — divorced from an abusive husband, healed, remarried to a good man, helping others, and thriving — is because of one simple tool. I share it in Flying Free and Flying Higher , my online coaching, education, and support communities that are worth their weight in fat-melting chocolate (please science, make this real).  Today, I'm sharing the best thing I have. ...

It’s a beautiful sight, isn’t it? A grown man throwing a tantrum. Stomping around, calling you names, slamming doors.  Hits you right in the feels, eh?  Or maybe he’s the quiet type of mean. Stonewalling. Sleeping for days. Leaving for hours without warning. However a husband’s jerky behavior manifests, most Christian wives are taught to respond the same ways: Assume you’re the problem. Feel shame...

“He doesn’t even have to be kind. I just wish he wouldn’t make every waking moment a nightmare. What else can I do?” she said into the phone. “I don’t know,” her sister said. “You’ve done counseling. And prayed. Asked pastors for help. Read books. Been quiet. Spoken up. Given more sex. You’ve borne the consequences of all his poor choices. You’ve pushed your health to the brink to serve him. For y...

Hit it with a hammer. Done.  If only it were that easy.  In reality, the cycle of emotional and spiritual abuse feels like a freight train rushing down the tracks of your everyday. An unstoppable force. And if you stand in its way, you’ll be run down. A sad little pancake beholden to the destructive patterns you’ve existed in since…who knows when.  My dear. You forgot about two things. First: You...

Are you confused over whether you have legitimate grounds for divorce? How should you respond to people who claim you’re cynical and oversensitive when you try to speak against emotional and spiritual abuse? What’s the best way to handle family members, especially children, who think you’re the bad guy in your abusive marriage? What if you’re separated but you just aren’t ready to divorce…and the...

Is your husband great at playing dress up?  One moment, usually in public, he speaks sweetly, cuddles the baby, and prays over your family. The next moment, usually in the privacy of your home, he glares at you, yells in disgust, and gives you the silent treatment.  He’s the sun and a raging storm.  He’s heaven and hell. He’s…? How do you figure out reality? How do you come to terms with the oil a...

Feeling like a moldy lemon?  Maybe you’re just an onion. If you've escaped the horror of a destructive relationship, but you still feel numb, anxious, depressed, and like a steaming hot mess...it's easy to believe that “being jacked up” is the new normal. And your whole identity. It’s not. In fact, what you're searching for is closer than you can believe: You're still a whole person. Your true sel...

There’s a reason why people say all abuse is physical abuse. Emotional abuse is a double whammy, destroying your mind and your body.  Long after the abuse stops, you’re still dealing with the fallout.  It can feel like your body has failed you. Like you’re permanently broken. It can feel hopeless and frustrating.  So how do you regain your health and fitness in the aftermath of abuse?  Kylar has a...

What’s it like to experience divorce as a kid? You’ve heard from me. You’ve heard from experts. You’ve heard from survivors.  What about the young ones caught in the throes of things they don’t understand. The ones who only know that Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and life, will never be the same again.  Divorce through the eyes of a teen…my own daughter.  This episode is a spotlight on: A honest re...

It took you years, decades maybe, to understand what you were going through.  It’s no wonder your kids don’t recognize emotional abuse for what it is.  Especially because they’re wired to trust their dad. They’re wired to need his love.  So they still call him good, loving even. They still think you and their dad should be together. You know better.  And it’s agony. What now? In this episode: Why...

As the year ends, the darkness grows. Minute by minute.  Just before Christmas is the longest night of the year.  The holidays are celebrations of love and generosity and joy. But they're also bleak and painful to many — like women going through separation and divorce.  So how do you cling to the hope of coming light in your blackest hours? How do you live with the dark as you wait for the dawn? H...

If you’re like me, you were set up for your abusive marriage in the name of love.  You thought people were teaching you godly womanhood and wisdom.  You thought following the rules meant you’d experience bliss and peace in marriage.  You thought you were honoring God by letting people harm you. But you were really just betraying yourself and holding the doors open for your own destruction. So if y...

Do you wonder why you feel so angry and defeated about the way your husband treats you?  It's not cause you were a closet rage monster before you got married. It's not cause you're crazy or demanding or that you just love drama. He’s been stomping in your flower beds.  And YOU’VE been told that you had to leave the garden gate open in order to be a good wife and a good Christian.  If you’ve been w...

The holidays can make the hard things harder. The sad things, sadder. The family fights and frustrations and fractures, bigger and deeper and wider.  They often remind you of all you’ve lost and all you never had. Especially in relationships.  Maybe they used to be a time of excitement and joy, but now you only feel dread and loneliness and grief.  If you find yourself wishing you could sleep unti...

“I’ll never heal.” Has that thought crossed your mind? There’s too much pain. Too much trauma stored in your body. Too many horrible memories trapped in your mind. It’s an ocean to cross, and you’re just treading water. You need deep internal healing. So how do you plunge into the depths of your most profound anguish productively and safely? With help from compassionate, well-learned people who’ve...

Imagine carrying around a backpack full of books from high school. You aren’t taking those classes anymore, but you always carry the weight anyway . It digs into your shoulders. It makes you tired. Slows you down. Doesn’t let you truly rest. It keeps others from getting close.  Abuse is like that. It teaches us a lot—lessons no one should ever learn. And lessons we don’t even realize we’re still l...

Lydia left her abusive husband. Then she came back. She found the guts to leave him again. And returned another time. In the end, it took SEVEN times for her to get free. If you've been there or if you're wondering whether you'll ever get out too, she's laying it all on the table in this episode. The BEST PART ? She's thriving. And she's no longer ashamed of her past.  In this raw look at Lydia’s...

If you're like most Christian women in confusing and painful marriages, you've tried everything . You've read the books, the blogs, the sarcastic memes, and the devotionals. You've paid for counseling, training, seminars, and conferences. You've asked for advice from other couples, your parents, your pastors, friends, and the lady in the check-out line. You've prayed and given up all the fun thing...