Worthless Clowns

We meet a magical little seahorse boy at the Indianapolis zoo! Ali silently pisses herself at a man’s place, then hides it by undressing. Brittany lets everyone down in grad school by repeatedly messing up her dataset and is still recovering from it. A woman fears that her boyfriend worships his baby ducks. Memories of Kid Rock shooting beers, Mike Tyson messing up lines, and the smell of urine ca...

Kevin Casey White (Close Calls podcast) is here!!! Kevin goes on Romania’s Got Talent, and bombs with “my wife” jokes and a catchphrase about cabbage. Ali’s got her sin shoes on and Brittany’s reprimanded for roasting boys who love ponies. Memories of dissociating on stage, aging out of haircuts, and Hamburger Jones.  Follow Kevin @kevincaseywhite and check out his special Harangue on YouTube! For...

Ali convinces classmates that she’s actually a cat who pees in litter boxes. Brittany’s new favorite movie is a gut microbiome documentary. A man tries to impress his girlfriend’s family by acting as though he has no idea what a potato is. Memories of Taco Bell the lizard, Sofa Kingdom, and pretending to fight.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and...

Brittany goes on a date with a pick up artist, and makes an enemy by showing a man some empathy. Ali’s takes a bunch of adderall to prove herself to her doctors, and gets spied on by her mom in a dream. A wife tries to fix her failing marriage by giving her husband a glow up. Memories of picking at skin, attractive elk, and intrusive thoughts.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns,...

Caitlin Peluffo (Comedy Central) is on!! Caitlin loses hundreds of dollars in a bathroom and her dignity right outside of her apartment. We find out who thinks it’s OK to pee in the shower. A man divides his religious family by naming his dog Lucifer. Memories of mean soccer girls, blessing animals, and Brittany’s dad’s toilet.  Follow Caitlin @caitlinpeluffo and check out her special “Dirty Bird....

Brittany gets Ali to believe some dogs have jobs as earthquake detectors. Ali bombs talking dirty in front of her college improv team, and Brittany accidentally wears a necklace that says “skeet skeet.” A mother and daughter's relationship crumbles over a colorful magnet. Memories of Simpsons porn (again!), dads naming clouds, and crying at the vet.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthle...

Brittany’s mad about her credit score, a chess game, and a man she never had any interest in at all. Ali discovers a real life motorcycle horse! A man pauses his sled race to kill and gut a moose, in accordance with the rules. Memories of bad animal drawings, exaggerated theatre bios, and (not) Noam Chomsky. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali...

Brittany learns to drink again and Ali realizes the opposite of a cat is a nuke. Brittany dumps her middle school bad-boy boyfriend after he gives her a gift that is too thoughtful. A ghost haunts Ali for hooking up in every cemetery in her home town. A listener goes to the wrong family party, stays to finish her chicken after finding out, and upsets her boyfriend’s parents. Memories of spelling b...

We’ve got a very special guest!! Casey James Salengo (Comedy Central)! Casey loses his car, falls asleep in a wet field at prom, and spreads huge rumors about Serena Williams. Ali crushes on wrestling star Rhea Ripley, and Brittany accidentally defends Louie CK in a dream. A friendship sours after a man runs a record mile by using a treadmill inappropriately. Memories of old people barely knowing...

Ali spends hours on her MySpace profile trying to impress an emo guy, only to get ghosted for being too emo. Brittany avoids having to process Mufasa’s death by hiding in the pantry and binging on marshmallows. A woman thinks being asked about a book she’s reading counts as bullying. Memories of norm core, Lord Of The Rings, bad AI, and Camp RamsBottom. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthles...

Ali’s family scans hotel duvets for pubes, and Ali politely asks her boyfriend to repeat dirty talk in a higher volume.  Brittany makes an offensive sketch about 9/11 in high school, and accidentally brings a crucifixion sized nail through TSA. A woman can’t eat her sexy potatoes at work without being sent to HR. Memories of Gypsy Rose Blanchard, buff babies, and Love On The Spectrum. For clips an...

We’re joined by our very silly friend, The White Red Fox of Comedy, John F. O’Donnell (Redacted Tonight)! In a manic episode John runs from the CIA, with support and encouragement from U2 and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. We aren’t surprised at all to learn that Ali’s related to a man who cut off his hand and threw it across a river. A woman vomits and makes her fiancé clean it up to teach him a less...

Ali gets punched out for telling a kid “NICE HAT”. Brittany relies on her “phonological loop” to hear Ali’s riffs. One man refuses to bow while another refuses to fully orgasm. Memories of getting nervous for the knee reflex test, Katy Perry being Slimed, and hot emo boys kissing. AND..Brittany opens her Christmas gift! (late!)  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @britto...

Brittany gets manipulated by a handicapped cat, and Ali witnesses a cat’s eye fall straight out of its head. Our moms roast us for wanting sexy underwear. A woman ruthlessly outlines why her classmate should get a lower grade. Memories of friendship panties, airplane armrest fights, and dads explaining clouds. AND.. Ali opens her Xmas present (late!)  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessc...

Ali and Brittany discover that you have to draw a lot of boobs to get big boobs. Brittany can’t grasp how a little bird could have told on her. A man fears his boss’s huge chest will ruin his relationship. Memories of drooling on text books, Neil The Seal, and Jerry Seinfeld refusing to hug Kesha.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalione...

Abe Gatling (Comedy Central) joins us!! Abe spends two years figuring out why a dude appears to be missing half of his butt. Ali accidentally befriends a man who just got out of jail and hasn’t done crack in two weeks. Brittany wears a horse shirt and finally feels one with herself. A man gives up his marriage to read about local news. Memories of Drew Carey wrestling, and inventing dick chess. Fo...

We’re telling Thanksgiving stories in February (again!). Ali finds out what her dad reads while taking a shit, and needs everyone at a rest stop to know her dog barfed. Brittany karaokes a Roy Orbison song with the wrong emotion. A boyfriend defends his couches from a woman’s period. Memories of pretending to dance, lizards molting, and men shadow boxing.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worth...

We’re both constipated!! Brittany accidentally befriends multiple conspiracy theorists by talking about her thesis on false memories. Ali’s camera roll is filled with pictures of dog shit for a good reason. We discover “the hidden mysteries of Antarctica,” that mountains are actually tree stumps, and that babies can be used as mops. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @br...

Shane Torres (Conan, Comedy Central) is back! Shane disturbs a family when all he wanted to do was pee. Brittany makes her boyfriend a horsey gift that even she can’t understand. Ali’s improv frat leaves her to yes-and herself out of the woods. A young couple fights over spit in their trash can. Memories of Hot Cheeto Girls, terrible roommates, and getting motor oil for Christmas. Watch Shane’s sp...

Brittany tries hard to write a serious poem that her teacher hates, then writes a bullshit poem that her teacher loves. Ali pretends to know what the war of 1812 is, and thinks a cup moving is her grandma’s ghost. A hypothetical man doesn’t understand Live Laugh Love. A woman explodes emotionally after her books get reorganized. Memories of paper bag book covers, scary stilts, and fear of not acti...

Ali gets a tattoo to remember her uncle by and upsets her aunt, then starts beef with Taylor Swift. Brittany cries about calculus for 3 months straight, learns about different sized craps, and figures out why all halloween parties suck. A listener tries to impress a boy with a dangerous cartwheel. Memories of being called fours, and having braces, headgear and lip bumpers.  For clips and pics, fol...

We’re joined by Jamie Lee (Ted Lasso, HBO’s Crashing)! Jamie tells a lie that makes her wonder who she really is. We all suck at home decor and being bridesmaids. A psycho father puts his children through bootcamp every morning, then justifies it in a fake post written as "his daughter". Memories of the best Friends characters (Joey and Phoebe!), pretending to know Kurt Vonnegut, and rea...

We discover why hugs feel so good! Ali admits to smooching herself in bed. Brittany finds out that she sounds sarcastic even when she’s kissing. A boss and a bar tender severely misread the room. A man tricks a friend into shitting just to prove his milk was stolen. Memories of writing “boobs” in calculators, roommates counting tablespoons, and mother’s intuition. A wonderful person and comic, Ken...

Ali gets a tattoo of a dragon representing a lizard, representing a self help mantra. Brittany plays a paper plane prank on her Spanish teacher and gets voted Ass Clown. A man criticizes a woman for referring to her dead friend in the present tense. Memories of grandpas playing poker, shitting, writing checks at the grocery store, and more. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brit...

Myka Fox joins us!! Myka and Brittany are at a party stuck on two very different puzzles. Myka gets stranded on a whale watching boat and tries to be a garbage man for a night. A man attempts to get OJ Simpson’s attention by dedicating his sci-fi book to him. Memories of plants that can cry, read, and enjoy metal music.  Follow Myka @mykafox and check out her very fun pod @greathangpod For clips a...