Untoxicated Podcast

When Matt thought he most needed Sheri’s support and sympathy while he was in early sobriety, Sheri was detached and focused on her own healing and independence. It turns out, Sheri’s detachment might have saved the marriage. What the alcoholic needs, and what the loved one needs from the recovery process, are counterintuitive and seemingly at odds. That’s one of the reasons we d...

Success stories are too rare when it comes to recovering a marriage from the ravages of alcoholism and the challenges of recovery. We are so pleased to have Karen on the podcast to share her discovery path to healing her alcoholic marriage, now three years into sobriety. Karen uses compassion and lived experience to tell her story and inspire others. One of her greatest strengths is finding resour...

The loved ones of alcoholics almost always experience gaslighting – the manipulative conversations alcoholics use to normalize excessive drinking. On this episode, Sheri talks about the impact of Matt’s gaslighting on her, and Matt provides an explanation for why gaslighting comes so naturally and is such a universal aspect of alcoholic relationships. They talk about the long-lasting e...

Worrying about stuff seems a common characteristic of high-functioning alcoholics. The object of concern can be work related, a family matter, or frankly, just about anything big or small. We use alcohol ineffectively to manage the worries. But this question remains: Does life stress create alcoholics, or does alcohol use create bad stress management skills and techniques? On this episode, Sheri a...

We received so much feedback about “ Ep99 – Seven Fourteen Twenty-One: Relapse “, that Sheri and Matt felt compelled to address it in this unplanned follow-up episode. Some listeners were surprised to learn that challenges linger in extended recovery. Others empathized with the continued struggle. Still others felt like Matt’s insecurities continue while Sheri continues to...

100! This is episode 100! What better way could there be to celebrate than by hosting the people the podcast is for, and who inspire the topics we discuss. For Ep100, Sheri and Matt welcome Jessica, Kim, Suzy, Karen, Nickie, Barbara, Haley and Suzanne from our Echoes of Recovery program. This expert panel discusses why a support network is crucial to the successful recovery of the loved ones of al...

No alcohol, nor any other drugs, were involved in the making of this episode. This is about a relationship relapse back into the pit of hell. It is said that when we see devastation, we can’t unsee it. Once we’ve experienced hopeless despair, we leave breadcrumbs on the shortcut that leads back to painful desperation. For Sheri and Matt, July 14, 2021 was the most crushing day of their...

On this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss another way to breakdown alcoholism into two components. Alcohol creates arrogant, rude, unsatisfied drinkers who create arguments and chaos. At the same time, stress makes alcohol necessary, and pushes the consumption to escalate. The couple discusses how the interaction between stress and alcohol played out in their relationship, and how the desire for rel...

Warning: Ep97 includes discussions about suicide and domestic violence. Sarah was born last of six siblings in a house dominated by alcoholism and other mental illness. When her brothers and sister grew up and moved out, she was left to navigate the storm by herself. She’s always been close with her siblings – the way people are sometimes bonded together by trauma. But now, as Sarah tr...

Sobriety has brought improvement to the lives of Sheri and Matt and their family, but it has created a whole new set of problems, too. Matt is now reliable, predictable, and even safe and approachable. But he is not any fun. In this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss Matt’s ridiculous work hours he uses, in part, to fill the void left behind by alcohol, and the impact it is having on their fami...

There are a variety of reasons an alcoholic blames his drinking on his spouse. Matt should know. He consistently blamed his alcoholism on Sheri for all the different reasons. And now, he is here to say that the reasons are all bullshit. On this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss the causes of this most potent form of gaslighting, and why it is so dangerous and utterly ridiculous. If you love or loved...

On this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss the changes in mood and family involvement for Matt in sobriety compared to active alcoholism. Increased input and participation of an alcoholic in sobriety is a lot for the family to absorb. Unwanted advice, a compulsive need to share, and lots of opinions have made Matt a challenge to handle for the exact opposite of the reason he was a handful as a drinke...

When Matt was actively drinking, Sheri had to deal with three unappealing characteristics of her alcoholic husband when on vacations or celebrating holidays: his moods were unpredictable, he was needy, and the alcohol accentuated his insecurities. There was nothing festive, and very little that was enjoyable, about vacationing with an alcoholic. Now, in significant sobriety, life continues for She...

Nickie knew she and Josh had relationship problems. When he first declared himself an alcoholic, she couldn’t believe it. She didn’t want to even think about a drinking problem until they had their marriage on good terms (little did she know at the time that the alcohol was the cause of the relationship troubles). Josh’s friends told him he was fine, his coworkers kept inviting h...

Rebuilding trust in an alcoholic relationship requires sobriety, and it requires time. There are no shortcuts, but there are things we can do to create a safe environment in which trust has a fighting chance to flourish. On this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss the things that held Matt back from creating a safe environment in his active alcoholism and his early sobriety, and why things are differe...

Sheri and Matt welcome Dr. Abby Medcalf to the podcast. Abby is an author, a podcast host, a speaker, a psychologist, a recovery survivor, and has over 30 years of experience working with relationships and people in recovery. She tells Sheri and Matt why couples who think they have a communication problem almost always have a competition problem, and she explains why the person in the relationship...

All the loved ones of alcoholics want is peace, stability and predictability. How do you think that meshes with the wildly swinging pendulum of euphoria and misery that we call active alcoholism? And when the loved ones express the need for peace, the alcoholics get their feelings hurt. In this episode, Sheri and Matt talk about the link between predictability in sobriety, and rebuilding trust in...

Do you ever look at your spouse and wonder what they are thinking or how their drinking spiraled the way it did? Have you ever wanted to tell your story, but the shame and shyness prevents you from finding the words? If so, then this episode might be for you. Toby (husband of Jane from Ep54 ) explains his innocent yet insidious decline into the grasp of alcoholism. He also shares what he is learni...

People almost universally believe what they are going through is unique when they are deep in the trauma and stress of an alcoholic marriage. Sadly, being deep in it is tragically common. On this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss the signs they see, over and over again, that indicate a person is deep in it even when the sufferer is unsure of their predicament. They also discuss the best tools to get...

Sheri took Mother’s Day off from recording this episode, so Matt spends a lot of time talking about her…in endearing terms. Our listeners will surely miss Sheri’s laugh, and miss resonating with her tears, but Matt tries to make up for that by explaining the love the couple has found in the subtlety of sobriety – a love that was unavailable when alcohol was impacting the re...

Most people are aware of the violent swings in the emotional and behavioral highs and lows of active alcoholism. What surprises many is the self-medication that the loved ones of alcoholics engage in to manage their own emotional highs and low. On this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss the equally serious, although less obvious, pain and damage suffered by the loved ones of alcoholics, Sheri makes u...

When Matt was in top form as an alcoholic drinker, he was also extremely proficient as a lier and gaslighter. And yet, with piles of evidence to the contrary staring him in the face, he was adamant about how thoroughly honest he was. How can that be? Sheri, on the other hand, knew the real truth about the denials and excuses. She fluctuated between anger and disgust as she watched Matt spiral deep...

Beating ourselves up when feeling less than worthy is a common part of the human experience. Once culture and society warp our childhood innocence, our self-worth deteriorates. As an alcoholic, Matt drank to make the low self-confidence go away. As the loved one of an alcoholic, Sheri threw herself into projects and cleaning to mask her pain from unrealized expectations. They both had unhealthy pa...

From taking the family to see ice skating princesses, to venturing into the wooded mountains to cut down a Christmas Tree, Matt was all about spending time with his family. They were his first priority, after all. At least that’s how it looked to anyone outside his immediate household. But Sheri knew the truth: that alcohol was always his first priority, until sobriety replaced it atop the p...

Universalisms: Things we believe to be virtually universal as we grow in our understanding of how alcohol impacts brains and relationships. Here are five really important ones. Do these apply to you or your alcoholic loved one? On this episode, Sheri and Matt talk about childhood trauma (even in idyllic childhoods), work success justification, alcohol as a coping tool, elusiveness of purpose, and...