That Checks Out

The guys discuss why a cranberry tart taint undoubtedly ensures a burning sensation, when you’ll need to remove your slippers to avoid being murdered, and how most attractive German woman are last seen sitting on specialty hitchhiking benches.  

The guys discuss why Norwegian steps will never compare to Icelandic steps, when spicy enchiladas are guaranteed to kill you, and how aggressive doggie kisses will cure blindness. 

The guys discuss how having “relations” while vacuuming will almost always result in divorce, when the scent of Wasabi can save your life, and why “porcupining” has an extremely low success rate. 

The guys discuss how improperly gluing your hands to genitals can make for an uncomfortable car ride to the precinct, when throwing your baby over a fence incites endless support from onlookers, and why making sure your Uncle Bill always has a clean long-sleeved henley ensures you’ll never be without a drummer. 

The guys discuss why Damon could be guilty of harassment towards Ted if they recorded in the UK, when an ambulance ride and a reduced fine doesn’t get your groceries put away, and how dogs get premier seats at rock concerts at Sofi Stadium. 

The guys discuss how tight mittens cause irreversible emotional scarring, when hygienically pressure washing your coin purse dictates that you always go second, and why beating a monkey at Monopoly still doesn’t get you out of buying dinner. 

The guys discuss why Damon believes his recent vacation photography expose may be the funniest thing he’s ever done, when it’s absolutely imperative that you leave your ruckus holstered, and how Polish storks can lead to free phone calls. 

The guys discuss Damon’s newest way to order sandwiches, when a blind man’s nipple rub will totally crush your confidence, and how an entire bank heist hinges on high visibility.

The guys discuss how why the lack of crowing makes everything much scarier, when flatulence is all you really need to expand your real estate portfolio, and how an international pizza contest might just cancel Christmas. 

The guys discuss how just keeping your mouth shut would’ve turned a $35,000 Ebay purchase into a $2.3 million windfall, when being “intertwined” assures you at least 1000 feet of pleasure, and  why it’s imperative that you eat a sandwich and use the bathroom before boarding a $126.5 billion Columbia-Class Submarine. 

The guys discuss why you should never Uber with scissors, when the instructor decides to “step out” and the lesson intensifies, and how cage lids are the single most important thing in regards to the safety of the village. 

The guys discuss how investing in a diamond studded cane can be detrimental to your retirement, when having windows that view sunlight and not collect it is far more cost effective, and how no matter how many cell phones you might currently have on you it’s a terrible idea to leave your keys in the car during a robbery. 

The guys discuss how if everyone just did their part and gathered 200-250 bees the world would be a much safer place, when sucking multiple flippers means it’s time to eat, and why a WWII German Panther Tank is every realtor’s worst nightmare. 

The guys discuss how a friendship born of multiple mutual hatreds can last 40+ years, when a white coat obviously guarantees your medical prowess, and why telling someone their loved ones have died one letter at a time is so much more fulfilling than painting. 

The guys discuss why a man who hides in the bushes to photograph playgrounds should never run a youth internship program, when well-hung loaves of bread might just be the most appetizing thing you can eat in an alley, and how high you should fly the helicopter while searching for a ten foot tall spotted coyote. 

The guys discuss how a recent study would show that bungees have still yet to be proven as “optional” in extreme sports, when leaving a five star review will most likely result in a life sentence, and why having a low IQ will definitely stifle certain philanthropic gestures but inevitably could lead to future employment opportunities. 

The guys discuss how age matters more than you think engaged deep in the trenches of war, when taking your work home with you will actually relieve stress, and why a Coleman Thermos and Colon Thermos are two totally different things. 

The guys discuss how absorbent a sandwich can be in an emergency, when you only came for the eulogy but you stayed for the snacks, and why failing to properly inspect your free scarf will get you killed in Germany. 

The guys discuss how see through ponchos foil nearly all Japanese convenient store robberies, when being too fat will definitely cost you your donkey privileges, and why it’s so important to know which half of the Jello contains the urine.

The guys discuss why you should definitely eliminate salmon from your diet if you’re allergic to cocaine, when the right window treatments can prevent you from accidentally keistering an outdated brick phone, and how a noise cancelling shed next to a bus stop is all but irrelevant if you can’t convince your wife to “list it”. 

The guys discuss how a defective port-a-potty will ruin your sex life, when having “special socks”  makes playing left field for the Mets at 50+ a possibility, and why having sex with your neighbor 72 times almost always results in a lawsuit. 

The guys discuss why poorly hydrated goats will never be seen as attractive, when the inability to turn the pages of your diary inevitably means you’re going to die a virgin, and how much you should expect to spend to watch three strangers pleasure your wife to the point of tears while you hold her hand. 

The guys discuss how not everyone is designed to be an athlete, when safely navigating a boat trip relies not only on sidewalks but traffic patterns, and why being the smartest in the room and naked doesn’t protect you from “flying rats”. 

The guys discuss why you should always deny responsibility for the contents of your rectum, when having wheels means you don’t get line cuts, and how sifted muffins can be the leading cause of flesh wounds in at least one American household. 

The guys discuss how consuming Big Macs will inevitably constitute as birth control, when keeping your rotisserie chicken and karaoke machine dry is NOT the largest obstacle you’re being faced with, and why it’s better to die 130 years early than become a parent following a Tsunami.