Gal Talk

i like to cozy up next to a fire, crack open my favorite fantasy novel, and get to jerking my little wiener. y'all know what i'm saying?? i like to get under the blankets, get a nice cup of coco, turn to my favorite page, and start beating on my little pecker! i don't think y'all know what i'm talking about. i personally love going to my local coffee shop, getting a hot oat mil...

not only do eggs cost a damn whopping $100, but also the movies aren't good anymore. maybe they were never good, you might say, but i'll have you know... was Call Me by Your Name the last oscar movie that was actually pretty good? that might've been the last one. i can't think of another one, and i won't be listening to anyone who makes a suggestion. that director took a real n...

we love negotiations, don't we folks? we love seeing the big orange man making hot deals with governments we've partnered with for generations. fuck canada, amiright? who needs oil, anyway? and as for mexico, i mean it's not like we need produce in the stores. we got our own produce! i know how to grow... i can grow... i got lots of different kinds of foods i know how to grow, probably. seeds? oh...

whenever i think about bodies of water, my first thought is often the politics surrounding it, and whether or not it's woke to be a body of water, or is it DEI to have water formed in a particular area?

i have been craving chinese food for weeks now, and because of my masochistic relationship to my body i've opted to sustain, but also... i'm old now, the road has led us to depleted sources of vibrancy... when i eat food now it makes me fat and sleepy. i used to run for miles and miles. i was a deer in a forest, now i'm a fat guy on a couch, wearing increasingly bigger hoodies to hide...

happy 50th anniversary to public waste management! we've been watching garbage for approximately 100 years now, and 50 of those years had a slot for sketch comedy. yay.

do you think if you added up all the times you helped someone else, it would balance out with all the times you said a slur? there's an equation here... x = good deeds, subtracted from y = slur count. if you subtracted x from y and the number is zero or negative, you can get right back on that horse buddy. start screaming it from the top of the mountain

he's doing bad, folks. he's doing bad and he doesn't know why. he wanders the halls without a thought in his head, spewing random decrees to some squire following him around with a quill. no more bathrooms! he yells. no one quite knows what he means, so they write up a bill that says its okay to murder transgender people. welcome to America Part 2. what a time to be alive.

don't take my damn birthright. hey, mr.fuck president, don't you go taking away all my damn roofers and citizenships! i gots a lot of slave laboring to utilize for mi casa, and i don't care too much about hows you're saying my babies can't be born with no damn citizenship.

apologies for my fucked up voice, but just know i played through the pain to deliver on my promise of more content. the world needs content, and i am here to provide it. now that tiktok either is or isnt banned, you're all going to need a new avenue for consumption, and why not get back to our roots with a radio show hosted by two cool guys?

pretty spooky when you think about how this is normal now. the midwest got a record amount of snow while california burns and burns. what's next? i think we should start conjoining disasters: a fire tornado, an earthquake of ice, a monsoon of... of... what the fuck is a monsoon? sounds pretty racist to me pal, might want to police your language a bit

the snow... all the blood... soon we will be buried in a mountain of our own creation. lost forever in a vortex of misunderstood associations. did my carbon emissions... when i went toot-toot in a field with all my fat cows... did that cause this storm? am i the one to hold responsible for all this mayhem, this death, this destruction? or am i, as we all are, innocent bystanders who don't know not...

i hope you change all the things that are wrong with you, bitch

well folks, this is the last episode before the Big Day. you know what day i'm talking about. we're all looking forward to that awesome moment when you wake up and walk over to the christmas tree and see that it's empty. barren. not a toy or twinkling light in sight, because you forgot to decorate the tree and have no one in your life to give you presents. so really, it's a day like any other day,...

as the holidays approach, it's important to remember your family and how much you failed to deliver promises you made and how many people you owe money to. you're swimming in debt, barely able to stick your penis above the water, and you're also a liar, you tell lies, and everyone knows about it. your mommy knows you're lying when you say you have a girlfriend, but she plays along anyway because i...

now that we've solved racism by giving more POC voices to cartoon characters, i say it's high time we return to our roots and make those cartoon moms sexy again. a little something for daddy, you know what i'm saying? you get what i'm pointing to? (jerking off) although, i guess i can see an argument for why we don't do that anymore. what with there being so much cartoon pornography nowadays. dadd...

did you make sure to stuff your stupid face with food from the grocery store? I couldn't be bother because I was busy PLANNING TO FIGHT THE NEW FASCIST GOVERNMENT... made up of mostly just like, guys from tv, but it's still pretty spooky, pretty scary. it's like... it's like motherfucking halloween out here, pal

remember the 90's or early 2000's? nic at night? the george lopez show, home improvement, fresh prince of belair? what a time to be alive... what an alive time to be in... a time when you might have been alive and hey, look at that, it happened. congratulations, you were born at a time when these specific cultural events were taking place, so i hope you're happy with that because that's your frame...

we're back, we're firing on all cylinders, racism is back, sexism is back, there are no rules anymore. that's what people think, so let's just run it back to 2016 all over again. i hope there's another pandemic. this time the virus turns you white. if you're already white, it turns you irish, and then no one can understand what the hell you're saying.

you fucking assholes. and no, i'm not talking to the nazi boys, i'm talking to you, you polite piece of shit, just doing whatever mommy tells you to do, convincing yourself that harris was in any way a good idea or better alternative. you fucking baby. you toddler sucking on your thumb. look at what you did. all fifty states turned red. do you know how badly you have to miss the ball, slip on the...

look, not only did we record this episode a week ago, but even if we didn't this still wouldn't come out prior to the election. so hey, good luck to all of you who still somehow give a shit what happens to this horrible country of dumbfucks, who can't stand up for a single goddamn principle. abortion is more important than genocide, or whatever the fight comes down to in your simple brain as you t...

all things pee coming right at you. prepare for all kinds of conversation about what comes out of our pee holes (and i have a hint for you: it's piss) also, fuck you. i know i forgot to upload this episode last week, but frankly i don't like your tone and these are false allegations i won't be taking seriously, and also fake news, your fake news, your mom is fake news, and again, fuck you. anyway,...

yeah, i know, it’s late. but in my defense, i forgot. so, you see how that could be problematic to the objective of putting the episode out. we even recorded it days in advance, and it just sat on my computer. all I had to do was upload it, hell they even have a feature where you can schedule the episode to be published at a certain time, but alas, that was not our situation. i was caught up eatin...

if the world is ending i demand a mad max version of the apocalypse. i want to race a pack of savages in the sand dunes with a motorcycle where the front part is a skull and there’s badass guitar music playing the entire time. everyone lives on beetle blood and spray paint, and ive got a big mutated penis growing out of my chest that also operates like another arm. if that’s not how this world end...

back in the day, i tell you what, they used to kill motherfuckers like it was nothing.