Dating, Relationships, and Disability

When to Disclose There's no single right answer, so do what feels comfortable. Kathy's disability is visible, so she recommends naming it in the profile. That filters out people who wouldn't be interested and saves emotional energy. With a less apparent disability, waiting may make more sense. She describes three disclosure points: The profile: the most direct filter. Early messaging: useful befor...

As part of working on my upcoming book about sexual ableism and dating with a disability, I interview Marco and his partner Dana as a follow up to my interview in episode 77 .  Marco is legally blind from premature birth, with some residual vision. They've been together just over four years. How They Met They matched on Bumble, where Dana reached out first. Marco had disclosed his blindness i...

    Trauma-Informed Dating for People with Disabilities This week Kathy takes on a heavier topic: trauma-informed care, and how trauma shows up in dating for people with disabilities. Content note: This episode discusses abuse and sexual violence. Please take care of yourself as you listen. In This Episode What "trauma-informed" means: safety, trust, choice, collaboration, and empowermen...

In this episode of Kathy O'Connell's Friendship Series, Kathy talks with Camille, a close friend of nearly four decades, about their friendship and the role disability has played in it. They met in college, shared a wide circle of friends, and later lived together. Their lives stayed closely linked through marriage, family, and the college friend group they still share today. Overview In this epis...

The Playbook Is Here The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook launched today. Today's episode covers the two stages we hadn't unpacked yet: active dating and mastery — the payoff for everything built so far. Stage Four: Active Dating This is where earlier prep meets real people, and it's not a victory lap — it's its own demanding phase. Disclosure conversations now happen with unpredictable reac...

Internal self-worth work and external dating skill are different muscles. Believing you deserve a good relationship doesn't automatically teach you how to handle logistics or anxiety-inducing moments in real time — that gap is where this stage of the work lives. The DESC Method A self-advocacy script for moments when anxiety causes shutting down or over-explaining: Describe the situation objective...

Dating Confidence Is a Skill, Not a Trait Dating and relationship success is skill-based — not a personality trait, not luck. It's a set of capacities (self-awareness, resilience, strategy, consistent action) that can be built and strengthened like any other skill. The Real Question Underneath Most clients ask, in one form or another: "Will someone accept me, and accept my disability?" Ableism tea...

Dating requires skills — and disability adds complexity. But disability services are built around health, safety, and independence, not romantic fulfillment. Sexuality remains taboo, no structured framework exists for disability-specific dating barriers, and success gets measured by employment or housing, never relationship quality. Kathy's Story Kathy O'Connell, a certified rehab counselor with 3...

We're talking with researcher Dr. Kathryn Pedgrift , focused on relationship and sexuality education for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD). The conversation covers Pedgrift's academic article, her "Relationships Decoded" curriculum, and broader systemic barriers to this kind of education. Relationships Decoded Curriculum Kathryn describes co-developing a curriculum...

Allison, founder of Innervue ( yourinnervue.com ), started as a psychotherapist before moving into industrial-organizational psychology, where she's consulted for nearly three decades. She later trained as a coach and eventually created Interview after noticing a recurring gap between how people intend to come across and how others actually experience them. What Is Innervue? Innervue is like a 360...

Mike Elliott is a relationship expert, men's coach, and founder of The Initiated Man. Though Mike doesn't have a disability, Kathy invited him to apply his expertise on intimacy, self-love, and emotional safety through a disability/ableism lens. Mike's Background Mike was adopted twice within his first year of life, creating deep attachment wounds that led to relationship patterns of pushing partn...

Dating With a Disability: Why Generic Advice Doesn't Work We break down the Five Stages of Dating Success framework, built specifically for people dating with a disability. Standard dating advice assumes everyone shares the same confidence, experience, history, and body — it was never written with disabled daters in mind. So when someone says "I don't know where to start," the real question isn't...

Continuing our Friendship Series, I chat with Karen Hoffman and Julie Baum, a married couple with decades of experience in human services. The episode focuses on friendship rather than dating, exploring our 30+ year friendship. Backgrounds Karen was introduced to disability services as a child through her father's work at a psych center post-deinstitutionalization. Julie entered human service...

It's Disability Pride Month, and while this topic has been covered previously, this episode dives into how pride shows up specifically in dating. Reframing Common Comments Ways to respond to backhanded compliments with pride, not shame: "You're so brave for still dating." → Normalize it: dating is something everyone does. "I wouldn't even notice your disability." → Ask them to actually see and ack...

Vanessa Cushing, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, talks about sexuality, disability, and dating. Healthy Sexuality Basics Vanessa defines healthy sexuality as centered on connection over performance, requiring safety (freedom from coercion, STIs, unwanted pregnancy) and enthusiastic consent — knowing what you want, how to ask for it, and that it's safe to say no. Disability & Sexual Erasure...

Episode 250: Celebrating 250 Episodes of Dating, Relationships, and Disability Marking episode 250 with a look back at why this show exists and what it's covered since October 2021. Kathy founded the show to be a comprehensive resource helping people with disabilities navigate dating with confidence. Her approach blends her professional background as a mental health counselor with her own experien...

The Friendship series has kicked off to examine what is similar and different when a disability is present - and how friendship development is a lot like dating - they both involve vulnerability, taking risks, and acceptance. Two Friends, 40 Years Kathy O'Connell and Nancy met at 18 as freshmen at Le Moyne College in Syracuse. Nancy first noticed Kathy when a professor seemed impatient with her du...

Stage 4 (Active Dating) of her "5 Stages to Dating Success" framework. It's a tactical, mini-workshop style episode pulling content from her curriculum aimed at professionals in the disability field. 6 Key Skills for Active Dating Platform Engagement & Match Interaction — actively using apps or attending in-person events, following up with interested people Active Social Participation — attend...

Kathy O'Connell shares that she's working on a new book about dating and relationships with a disability — a follow-up to her earlier book Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities . The book focuses on two key themes: Sexual ableism — the societal message, conscious or not, that disabled people don't belong in romance or intimate relationships. Kathy explains it as an extension of ableism: the beli...

Pauline Bosma is the founder and coordinator of the Rainbow Support Groups, a network of support groups for LGBTQ+ people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Pauline works for Massachusetts Advocates Standing Strong, where she also leads sex education webinars and trains people with disabilities to respond to and report abuse. Oscar Hughes is a PhD student in special education at Bos...

Resources for this episode How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile Guide Tell me what you want in a dating playbook. The Five Stage Dating Success Framework is designed to guide people with disabilities through the process of finding meaningful relationships. Stage 1 covers foundation work and self-discovery. Stage 2 builds confidence and resilience, including the ability to handle rejection. Stag...

This is a strategy that can apply to nearly everything in life, not just dating. But of course, we’re going to talk about it as it relates to dating. When you’re overwhelmed and maybe unsure what the answer is to a dilemma, many times you don’t need to wait, search, or find an answer. Often you just need to make a decision. Miserable Maybes Have you ever heard of the “miserable maybes”? It’s when...

  Getting back into dating after time away — especially when navigating life with a disability — takes genuine courage. You made yourself vulnerable, put yourself out there, and someone said no. That moment can feel enormous, like a verdict on your worth or your lovability. But here's the truth: one person declining a coffee date or not even replying is simply one data point. It is not a patt...

Register  here  for the TODAY's free workshop,  The Real Work of Dating with Disability:  What No One Else Is Teaching.  I'll be reviewing how to use a skill set approach to dating with a disability. The workshop will be geared toward  professionals but anyone is welcome to join. Dating and Mental Health May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and few things stir u...

Register  here  for the upcoming free workshop on May 12,  The Real Work of Dating with Disability:  What No One Else Is Teaching.  I'll be reviewing how to use a skill set approach to dating with a disability. The workshop will be geared toward  professionals but anyone is welcome to join. Steve and Julie Wagstaff are the married founders of SwagAbility , a nonprofit...