Crafting Solutions to Conflict

My most recent guest, Gleb Tsipursky, talked with me about how to do Return to Office policies right. Our conversation, Episode 229, was published on May 17, 2023. In part of our discussion, Gleb introduced us to the copy machine study.  In that 1977 study, people standing in line at a copy machine were asked if they would allow someone else to cut in front of them.  Remarkably, when given the rea...

 J.W. Brehm first proposed reactance theory in 1966. Reactance is the motivation to regain a freedom after it has been lost or threatened, and it leads people to resist the social influence of others. Quoting from the article  Understanding Psychological Reactance : “The unpleasant motivational state of reactance results in behavioral and cognitive efforts to reestablish one’s freedom, accompanied...

Gleb Tsipursky and I first talked back in the early days of the pandemic, on Episode 66, published on April 1, 2020. Then, Gleb was focused on how businesses could prepare for a lengthy pandemic and minimize its impacts. Now, he is helping clients effectively address the challenges of hybrid work and Returning To the Office the right way.  In a way that respects the needs and interests of the staf...

Open The Front Door is a communication framework. It was developed by Tasha Souza, when she was a professor at Boise State University.  It’s a helpful tool to use in hot moments in the classroom – and beyond, I think! O -- Observe. T -- Think. F -- Feel. D -- Desire. State what you Observe, factually and nonjudgmentally. State what you think. State what you feel. State what your desired outcome is...

    The classic book Getting to Yes gives us the B A T N A, which stands for Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. As you might guess, W A T N A stands for your worst  alternative to a negotiated agreement. Even in a straightforward dispute about money, the parties need to understand just how likely their BATNA and WATNA are. A very good chance? Almost none? And then there are the other cost...

Nellie Harden is a family life and leadership coach. Her 6570 project represents the 18 years parents have to raise their offspring to be adults. Nellie shares key guideposts to prepare for and engage in courageous conversations with tween and teen daughters. You can learn more about Nellie’s work, find resources, and access her podcast here: https://www.nellieharden.com/ Do you have comments or s...

The classic book Getting to Yes introduced the idea of your BATNA or Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.  Your WATNA is the Worst Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Understanding these can help you weigh how flexible you are in attempting to reach an agreement. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resoluti...

The ZOPA is the Zone of Possible Agreement. It’s usually considered in the context of business or sales negotiations.  The Zone is the overlap between, for example, what a seller is willing to accept for a car and what a buyer is willing to pay. Or what an employer is willing to pay and an employee is willing to accept. I think the ZOPA idea can be useful in other contexts, too: it is practical an...

Beth Fisher-Yoshida has a new book, New Story, New Power: A Woman’s Guide to Negotiation. We discuss culture, stories, patterns, and habits. And practical tools to help you move away from what holds you back and reinforce what helps. You can learn more about Beth’s work and contact her here:  https://bethfisheryoshida.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or ques...

Humility is a concept that is misunderstood at times. Some believe that it suggests a low opinion of yourself, that it is a sign of weakness. In fact, the more accurate understanding is that humility is a character strength .  It is an indication that you have confidence in your abilities and – better still – you lack the need to brag about yourself. You don’t need to be arrogant. Humility allows...

My last two guests touched on the idea of using a personal mantra to handle conflict more effectively. Pattie Porter shared that, inside her head, she has several phrases that she has created to help her achieve centering and stabilization when she feels triggered in a conversation. Treena Reillkoff spoke of a mantra of gratitude, a daily acknowledgement of things large or quite small to be gratef...

Treena Reillkoff works as a Trauma Informed Conflict Management and Resiliency Specialist. We discuss how specific tools, practices, and perspectives can allow us to recognize and nurture resiliency in ourselves and others. Treena is one of 106 co-authors, from 27 countries, and 11 languages who share their insights in the book Grief & Fatigue: Families & the Pandemic: Stories of Struggle and Hope...

At this time of year, Major League Baseball teams are engaged in Spring Training. What could baseball’s Spring Training have to do with conflict?  I see a few lessons to learn about conflict prevention. There’s the very basic idea that practice makes us better – at virtually everything. Probably even improvisation. Definitely in handling conflict well. These games don’t count in the regular season...

My guest last time, Pattie Porter, talked about Verbal Akido. One point that Pattie made is that something that feels like an “attack” may not be intended to be one. As is true with so much in communications that don’t feel comfortable, I would do well to take a beat, pause for a moment, gather myself…. And think. First, why do I feel attacked? What is it in me that was struck? Next, it is a legit...

For nearly thirty years, Pattie Porter  has helped people get better at handling conflict through her work as a coach, trainer, academic, and other roles. And her podcast, the Texas Conflict Coach, shared some of her wisdom. In the last few years, Pattie has become a student and practitioner of Verbal Akido. She shares with us its three steps – in theory and in practice. You can learn more about P...

Usually battles of attrition are associated with violent clashes in wartime. One side tries to wear down the other, to wear them down, exhaust them. But these battles can appear in interpersonal relationships, too.  In those situations, there can be a dynamic effect that can alter the relationship. The one who is being worn down can feel not just defeated, but resentful. If you think you are going...

It’s not unusual to hear the admonition “Don’t get emotional” in the context of conflict. What poppycock. We are humans and we have emotions. It’s far better to recognize that fact, to acknowledge our emotions, and to think about what they are telling us. We should, of course, avoid being ruled by our emotions. We tend to think that only negative emotions can come up in conflict. In fact, positive...

Kristin MacDermott is the creator of the Four Family Meetings program. This approach allows families and the individuals within them to begin with a positive perspective through storytelling, move on to the essential topic of handling conflict, explore the importance of boundaries, and strengthen a sense of belonging. You can learn more about Kristin’s work here: https://www.macdermottmethod.com/r...

In improvisation, “yes, and” is the idea that one person makes a statement and then – whatever it is – the next person affirms it and then builds on it. That concept has been applied to communication. I talked about “Yes, and” in communication back in Episode 24, published on June 12, 2019. Would “no, and” lead to a more thoughtful conversation than “no, but”? Does it sound less like a reflexive w...

From a conflict perspective, what was the point of airing the dirty laundry in Prince Harry’s memoir, Spare? Telling your own side of a story is a very common desire.  Perhaps his intention is to raise his standing (and Meghan’s) in the court of public opinion – which may be working or may be backfiring. Harry has said that he is open to a better relationship with his family. There may be a worse...

David Tate is the author, along with Marianne Pantalon and Daryn David, of Conscious Accountability: Deepen Connections, Elevate Results. We talk about expanded awareness, deliberate intentions, informed actions, and being responsible for our impact. You can learn more about his work Conscious Growth Partners here:  https://consciousgrowthpartners.com/ . Connect with David on LinkedIn here:https:/...

Last week, I was certain – if you looked – that you could find some successes with conflict in 2022. This week, I am equally confident that you can build on your strengths in 2023. For example, it may be that you are quite good at welcoming varied perspectives. Or you enjoy ensuring regular communications – even when there is no particular news to share. Perhaps you are comfortable speaking calmly...

I invite you to look back on the year and see what you did well, what you did right, regarding conflict.  The positives can take a range of forms. There may have been a very good conflict: a situation in which tough issues were grappled with. A little tougher to see is the potential bad conflict that was avoided. A conflict may have been negative – yet less damaging than it could have been. If a c...

Stephen McGarvey is the author Ignite a Shift: Engaging Minds, Guiding Emotions, and Driving Behavior. We discuss motivation, the importance of being understood, and the impact of certain words. Plus, I ask Stephen this question:  “Why is this not creepy and manipulative?" Listen to our conversation to hear his response. You can learn more about Stephen’s work and the book at  http://solutionsinmi...

Author and speaker John C. Maxwell is credited with coining this phrase: “Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectation and reality.” It’s usually more difficult to change reality than to change our expectations. In circumstances of interpersonal conflict, change is often the key piece in expectation. We should take a moment to look – realistically – at aspects of a desired change to u...